Surprisingly motivating...

"Be the villain you were born to be. Stop waiting for someone to come along and corrupt you. Succumb to the darkness yourself."

Someone posted this on one of the many social media sites I travel through, and it was really kind of interesting how inspiring this was.
No, I do not want to be a villain (though I have committed what I'm calling 'Grand Theft Christmas' lately, but I'll make a post on that later), but the man (lady?) has a point.
Why am I just waiting for a change when I can go out and make that change myself?
More importantly, why am I waiting for another person (who no doubt is just as flawed, if not more so than myself) to help me with that change?

So this is me, making a change all by myself.
(Though I may have gotten the inspiration elsewhere.)

I am waking up on time.
That might seem like a 'duh' thing, but trust me when I say it is way harder than it seems.  Sleep has always been and most likely forever will be my enemy.  I get too much, I get too little, and don't even get me started on the nightmares that decide to sit me down for a 'midnight matinee' every. single. night.
Yet I've discovered, in this last week of classes (and please, don't judge me for not figuring this out until finals, because sometimes I'm just a little slow, okay?), that no matter the amount or entertainment value of my sleeping moments, if I wake up with my alarm every morning, and actually get up and do something, I feel amazing.
Sure, I may be tempted to take a nap later on, and sometimes my focus is a bit off, but just being up and alive and productive is so...
Empowering.

And speaking of empowering, you should all check this out...
(http://aquillandinkwell.com/?p=2821)
I feel a connection with this writer, and I have never been so inspired as by this post.
Because I am (we all are) stronger than I know, no matter what society tells me.

I am being selfish.
Does that seem to be backtracking?  Let me explain.
I am a doormat.  I feel the tracks of people's footprints all over my body, every day, and though I'm strong enough to take it, I'm also pretty tired of it.
So I'm learning to say "No."
It's a simple word, to be so hard, but it really is.  I have always been generous with my time and effort, and I know people appreciate me (I have cards and scribbled notes tacked to my wall as a reminder), but it often comes at the expense of my own person.
While I admit to being an expert procrastinator --I may be procrastinating getting dressed despite having just eaten lunch-- and I sometimes use my generous nature to do just that, I also feel that if I had more time and energy to spend on myself that it would not be so hard to get what I need to get done, done.
Even if what I need to get done is simply to have some alone time.
I'm also a serious introvert, if you did not know that.  And sometimes it's just really hard to interact with people.

For a scarily accurate depiction of how I feel on a regular basis, please see this:
(http://themetapicture.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted/)
Though I would also like to add one final thing to that: Even if I've let you in once, that doesn't mean I'll let you in again, so please be aware and watch for signs that you might not be welcome in my bubble.

Back to being selfish and saying "No," though.  It really is hard for me to do this, as I've been saying yes for so long, and I do love helping people and the rush that gives me makes all the pain so worthwhile.
But I do have to say "No."  And even though it's caused a few issues since I've started doing so (it's not just the word that is hard to say, but how to say it as well), I'm pretty confident that if I keep doing it, I'll find a little more balance in my time, in my energy, and in my life.

I am taking care of myself.
I'm eating well (or as well as I can on a budget), I'm taking my vitamins, I'm drinking lots of water, I'm exercising on a regular basis (Pilates and swimming for the win!), I'm cleaning my room...and the rest of the apartment, I'm giving myself realistic goals so I don't feel so stressed about everything, I'm being as proactive with my health as I can be without insurance (though I'm considering ObamaCare, as flawed as I think it might be), and when all else fails, I'm asking for help when I need it.
And boy, do I ever need it.
Oh, and I'm making a schedule, because I always do so much better when I have a list in front of me.

So this is me, making a change.
I may not be perfect, but I'm not the villain either.
I'm just one girl who's decided not to wait for what I want to come to me.
I'm taking it for myself.

Jack Sparrow once said, "Take what you can, give nothing back."
I might still give a little something back.  But I'm not afraid to keep something for myself as well.

Cheers.

I'm the type of sensitive...

I'm the type of sensitive...

That cries when you cry.  I just can't help it; I see tears, and my ducts decide that it would be fun to produce some of their own.

That tries to play nice with everyone.  And when that can't happen, I get a little tense, and I start walking around on eggshells because I don't know what to do.

That cries over a broken dish.  Sometimes, it's the little things that really upset me.  And even if I've been having a good day, that crash to the floor will set me off.

That assumes silence means you're mad at me.  Well, most silences, anyway.  Because if you weren't, we'd be having a conversation right now...wouldn't we?

That needs a certain song to set me right when all is wrong in the world.  Most of the time, it's Bach.  But sometimes a good J-pop or 90's tune will keep me level.

That fusses when I haven't eaten right.  All sugar and no protein makes Emma a crazy girl...who after the crazy high wears off, delves deep into a crazy low.

That plans out how to be alone when tensions are high.  Feeling upset?  Angry with the world?  Developing murderous intentions?  Maybe towards me?  I'll just grab my stuffed pig and skedaddle.

That will just put up with other people's bad behavior.  I figure there's a reason for everything, and if you're acting out, it's because you can't contain yourself.

That will get upset when others don't give me that same courtesy, or at least a little understanding.  As if everything I do is wrong, just because I never complain about what you do.

That thinks about losing friends when only one is mad at me.  Sure, we might get over this, but if we don't?  You can have all our mutual friends, and I'll go find some new ones.

That repeats conversations in my head over and over and over again, to try and figure out if A, she (he, they, etc), really said that, and B, she really meant it that way.

That won't talk to you again until you come to me first.  Maybe I should make the effort, except it's pretty clear that I'm persona non grata, so why aggravate the situation any more by speaking up?

That likes everybody.  Even when they're nasty to me.  And so I get hurt that much more when I realize that maybe they don't like me as much as I like them.

That will listen to you go one and on and on about your problems without trying to tell you about all of mine, even though they keep telling me I shouldn't bottle it up inside.

That probably feels worse than you do when I've been mean to you.  Something about a moral upbringing and a guilty conscience.

That reacts badly to crowds of people.  Especially people I don't know.  Especially during special events.  So even if you invite me, I'll probably avoid the situation altogether.

That gets worn out by putting on a cheerleader façade all the time.  So maybe I might get a little weird sometimes.  Because it's exhausting trying so hard to be happy all the time.

That would rather be yelled at than ignored.  Maybe I'll cry, but to be honest, I cry anyway, and if you yell at me and get everything out there, I'm pretty sure the crying will stop sooner, which is probably healthier for the both of us anyway.

That needs people to earn my trust every single day.  I understand that's a lot to expect from people, and maybe you think I'm being unrealistic.  But I think you're just plain rude when you expect me to be okay with you entering my bubble all the time just because I let you in once.

That feels better in the sunshine.  Which is why I'm hoping my break goes well.  And hoping that I can recuperate.  And hoping that when I return in the spring, at least half of the issues that I'm sensitive over at the moment will be non-issues.

But maybe that's unrealistic, too.

But hey, what can I say?

I'm sensitive.

Cheers.