Happy endings...

As this calendar year comes to a close, I have to look back and wonder what I've done that really meant something...

I didn't win a Grammy or the Nobel Prize. I didn't get a gold medal or climb Mt. Everest. I didn't give life to someone who will save the world from this mess that we're in.
Then again, I don't really want to do any of that. Most of it makes me sleepy at the thought, the rest is just impossible. At least, for me.

So what have I done?

I've been the best friend I know how to be.
I've helped my Dad to reunite with his first daughter.
I was part of wedding plans that I didn't get to participate in.
I maintained my cheerleader persona in front of people and only crashed when I was solo.
I wrote at least half of an epic novel.
I found my vibrato and kept it.
I threw out almost all my casual clothes and started wearing dresses every day.
I got a job in the music department at school and apparently I'm awesome at it.
I learned how to be more invisible than usual.
I discovered that I can not eat for two days and still be okay.
I made a pumpkin cake in the microwave.
I finally said no to buying another dress and bought myself groceries instead.
I made friends with my kid sister.

...nothing too magnificent, I suppose, but I've done a lot, really.

Still, there's much more I can do if I try. So, to follow tradition, let's have some new year's resolutions...

1. Start running again. It's on my 'schedule' but I ignored it to sleep in this semester.
2. Go back to church. I went on Christmas Eve with my family, but hadn't gone before since the last calendar year.
3. Practice sight-reading. Mom theorizes that if I play a new piece every day, I'll be able to do it super-easy. I'm thinking I could kill you, Mom...but you're totally right, as usual.
4. Ace my history course for next semester and the following semesters. I'm totally smart, if I just learned how to study right, I know I could do it.
5. Eat every day. It's not like I don't have food, I just get lazy about making it.

I think that's a good start anyway.

Enjoy the celebrations, folks, I'll see you in the new year.

What A Girl Wants...

So similar and yet so different.

She bemoans not getting a 'Daddy-Daughter Dance' because her father is gone.
My father is very much here, and I still won't get one because he's allergic to formal events, like weddings and funerals and...well.

Her father freaks out when she rides off on a motor bike, and you can tell by the look on his face that there's going to be some rules set.
Mine pretends not to freak out when I have a date, but sits in the front parlor cleaning a shotgun when the boy introduces himself.

She's not a lady, but is trying her hardest to be one.
I'm too much of a lady, and I'd like to cross to the other side.

Her American mother is a musician, her English father knows the music stuff, and she likes the atmosphere but isn't musical herself.
My English father is a musician, my American mother knows the music stuff [and even dabbles in playing herself], and I can't find the atmosphere, thought I'm a budding musician myself.

If I could find a happy medium here for myself, my day would be made...

Somehow chick-flicks aren't as comforting as they once were.

Did you know...

Emma is twenty-four?
I mean, crazy, right?
I'm almost to a quarter-life crisis lol...
It's just like...
GASP!!


So I'm trying to decide, what should I really focus on?
I mean, a girl's gotta get her priorities straight if she wants things to happen, right?
And you can put me down if you like, say I'm going off on tangents, getting on the wrong track, etc, but for you, all I have to say is...
Well, a picture's worth a thousand words, or so they say...


So perhaps that's childish.
I'm not really cut out to be an adult.
But they tell me that's actually okay.
I'm still in school, anyway, still learning, and things are gonna be just fine.
Probably.
Plus, I look really amazing in this dress, don't I?


[Though posing in front of an anime scroll increases the childish factor, doesn't it? haha]

Off to the symphony...
(In a DIFFERENT dress, though)
Love you all!!

Tumbling down...

In case you're bored, enjoy the randomness...

http://lonelyingorgeouswitharedscarf.tumblr.com/

Things I worry about...

Failing chemistry...
Not being smart enough...
My left hand freaking out...
Dresses left to wrinkle in the basket...
Liking more than one boy at a time...
Looking pretty...
Doing dishes before someone complains...
Losing jewelry...
Paying for bridesmaid dresses...
Going to every concert possible just in case I'm graded...
Finding something to write about...
Talking to my sister and avoiding certain subjects...
Losing my religion...
Writing parts for Voce Capriccio...
Talent shows...
Hair dye and makeup...
Music Through the Centuries, Part 1...
Working enough hours...
Saving the milk for the important stuff...
Falling down the stairs and breaking a leg...
Finding the perfect pair of black shoes...
My distinct lack of innocence...
Vacuuming the living room...
Not being good enough for him...
Feeling stupid...
Wondering if I should finish that wine by myself or not...
Spending all my money to go home and never come back...
Why a certain someone hates me...
Why another someone is polite but is no longer my sister...
Keeping the car clean...
Getting my residency switched to Montana...
Filling out a FAFSA and not letting people complain about my tuition...
Keeping up my GPA...
Getting kicked out of school...
Losing my voice...
Writing the perfect composition...
Being smarter than the freshmen...
To act or not to act...
Extra credit...
Not being able to talk to you...
Running out of batteries...
Nightmares...
What to cook for dinner...

And probably some other things...
God grant me peace.

To forget the rest of the world...

Is probably a sin. After all, there's more to this world than just me. Alas, I am at the age where I think I rule the world and...actually, that's not quite right. I'm at the age where I've realized that the world is not me, nor am I the world, and I should remember that at all times.

Regardless of what I should or should not do, however, I still act like I'm king (or queen) of the world, and I'm sure this has a great deal to do with where I'm at: college.

College is a funny place, you know? You learn, experience things, make connections, and do things you'll probably remember the rest of your life. You also screw up, make enemies, and do things you'll wish you could forget for the rest of your life. I suppose it's all a matter of balance, but a gymnast I am not, and I'm scare of heights, too, so I'm pretty sure the balance beam is off-limits.

The following is a list of things that tend to keep me off balance, and make me forget that great big wonder that is the rest of the world...

[Warning -- most of these sound like complaints. And maybe they sort of are. But I'm just trying to tell you what's up. If you can't handle the pessimism, then, frankly, you shouldn't be reading my stuff. I'm not the cheerleader everyone thinks I am, and I'm damn tired of acting like one]

* I'm taking nineteen credits this semester. You may or may not know that this is the maximum amount of credits one can take without having to pay beyond the full-time tuition fees that already tax a person. Ideally, nineteen credits means nineteen hours of studying outside of class. Let's round this up and say that I have a 'job' that takes up forty hours a week. For most of the fifty states, that equals a full-time job. Only I don't get health benefits or insurance, and I don't get a discount at the bookstore, nor do I get a Christmas bonus or paid vacations.
Of course I said 'ideally.'
Four of the nineteen credits I'm taking are private lessons. Voice is mostly just to keep my voice strong, and help me to expand my range, and not go into a coughing fit like I used to if I sang for more than ten minutes at a time, and so I'll probably only practice fifteen minutes a day on that one. Though that still adds up to almost two hours for one credit per week. Composition is something I'm seriously considering doing a double major for (the first being piano performance). It's complicated, involves more research than practice --at least at this level-- and so I spend an hour a day on this. Seven hours sound much for one class? Maybe, maybe not. Then we have piano. Piano is my life. It's my everything. Though I rarely admit to it, my dream is to be a concert pianist. I want to play with symphonies and ensembles, and of course play solo as well. This after I get over my stage-fright, of course. According to my 'credits' for piano, I should only practice two hours a week. I practice more than that per day.
And yes, I'm still getting everything else done, though it's only week two so perhaps I'll slip up, but so far so good. So far so 'I'm going to kill myself if I don't find a time for a break' more like it. So the ideal is twenty hours outside class. The reality is closer to thirty, maybe even thirty-five. I don't have the time, or I'd calculate the exact amount for you.

* I offered to give my very good friend Kat piano lessons.
How many of you are teachers, or have taught in the past? Do you remember the terror of planning your first class? Did you have a syllabus or other schedule to keep you on track? Did you keep on track at all? Did your teaching help your students or screw them up?
One lesson down, and Kat doesn't mind I have to treat her like a first-grader, and I have some ideas of where to go. But I'm seriously glad that I never once considered teaching for my career.

* I made a horrible mistake: I tried out for the school play. And I was cast, and given four parts, two of which are pretty major (this out of eighty or so total, and none of them in the same scene).
You might think congratulations are in order, but I think a slap upside the head is more appropriate. Though the practices may go long or short, or may be cancelled due to my scenes not being rehearsed, in theory, I'm supposed to be at practice every night from seven to about nine, maybe nine-thirty. As if I had the time for this, right?
And what's the play, you ask? Something exciting, right? And dramatic, and wonderful, and elegant, and...? Well, it's something, all right. You may or may not have heard of 'The Laramie Project.' You may or may not want to. To know what it's about, just Google 'Matthew Shepherd, Laramie, Wyoming,' and you'll find out. It's based on a real-life incident over ten years ago, and it's not pretty, let me tell you. It's also controversial and weird, and you know, I'm seriously compromising my morals by appearing in this play.
Yeah, congratulations on your role...
Of course, I'll be excellent, and if you're in the area, I'll tell you to get front-row tickets, because this play really is amazing, even without me in it.
But be warned, this is just one more step toward turning me into a bleeding-heart liberal...gah...

* On the subject of compromising my morals, I drove one of my girlfriends to the airport so she could go home and get an abortion.
Do you know how much that haunts me? I've been told that I can't force anyone to think or believe like me, and that all I can do is love her and pray for her, but you know, it's not easy.
For awhile, I prayed for a miracle.
Not that she would change her mind and keep it, though I've done that.
No, I prayed for God to give the baby to me instead.
Hell, I've wanted a kid since I screwed up and said "It's okay, Mommy's here" when Hildi was a baby.
And I believe in miracles.
But the longer I'm on this earth, I don't believe any miracles God has in store are for me.
Sometimes it's scary being me.
Sometimes I wonder just how corrupt this world will make me before I leave it.

* When I recently visited my family in Minnesota, I loaded up my car with a little less than what I already have here at school and brought it back here with me. Needless to say, there was no breathing space in my room for the first week of school, because I simply didn't have time to sort through things, toss some, keep others, organize, organize, organize...
I got to that this last weekend, and not there is room to breathe.
If only a little. I have way too much stuff, and it's occurred to me that if I died tonight, you'd all have way too much to deal with.
So I'm slowly going to go through things and get rid of even more. Get rid of books I won't read (either again, or for the first time). Stop collecting toys and shotglasses and posters. Forget learning how to cook or draw. Have only enough clothes to last a week before I must wash again. And stop buying so many damn pillows.
Half my problems stem from the clutter. Whether I'm in the room or not, it preys on me, and I absolutely cannot handle it.
I'm starting to break.

* I cannot sleep.
When I discovered how little sleep I was able to get, how little rest, a part of me thought, hey, I'll just become like the vampires in Twilight and never sleep again...
Except of course that's not realistic at all, is it?
So I thought, well, okay, maybe I can learn to adapt to the three or four hours of sleep I do get, and I'll be fine. I mean, I can't do a thing about the nightmares, but a little rest should count, right? And I felt a spark of hope when my voice teacher told me that staying tired doesn't last forever --she has two children, twins, four years old now-- and I jumped right on that, asking, how...?
Only the answer is not that you get used to it, but that the kids start sleeping more, and so you can sleep when they do.
That doesn't quite work for me.
And if you didn't know, lack of sleep can literally make you sick. The past two days, I've been telling my stomach that it is not going to upchuck the food I just gave it. So far it's listened, but it clearly resents my authority over it, and I'm only eating half portions because I know if I eat any more, then I really will get sick.
All that bullshit about college and gaining weight is so not happening for me. I lost weight my first year, now in the latter half of my second, I'll do it again...
But I'm not sure if this is a silver lining or not.

* There is a boy.
There's always a boy.
This one smiles at me, and talks to me, and sings with me in the chamber ensemble, and I've been told he might like me as much as I like him.
I've also been told I scare him.
I scare myself, but do you know how much it hurts to be told that? Because I'm not a 'normal' child, because I'm sporadic and spontaneous and I do things like get a dragon tattooed on my inner thigh, and I alternate between dressing like a nun and a hooker depending on my mood and the weather...
Well, damn, of course I scare him.
Knowing the why doesn't make it any better.

* There is another boy, a friend, who only talks to me when his other friends are not around. I used to be friends with those others, and then one day they simply ignored me, and I was unfriended on Facebook (horrors, haha), they stopped calling and inviting me to hang out, we stopped eating lunch together, and no one told me a damn thing.
For the longest time, I worried that I'd said something wrong, but I'd forget when he talked to me as if nothing was wrong, and I never got around to asking. When I realized that the only time he talked to me was without the others, I stopped giving him a hug when I saw him. It made me see red when he stopped me to chat and then waited a few extra moments for that hug, clearly expecting it, and just as clearly not understanding that he'd hurt me.
Serves you right, jackass.
I don't know that I can call him a friend anymore, but it still makes me smile when he seeks me out to talk, so I guess I'll just let myself be a sucker for his attention, and call it a day.

* Did I mention I have a work study? It's in the music department, of course, and though it's minimum wage, a job is a job, and I'll take what I can get, be it five or fifteen hours a week. My official title is 'Documents assistant,' but what I do is help sort the choral library, set up online calendars, type up behavior contracts, take roll in choir, put professors' libraries in Library of Congress order, request theses from the interlibrary loan system, clean and dust offices and choir rooms, play a little accompaniment when the regular accompanist isn't in, and other random things the faculty can find for me to do.
In the case of one professor, I get Oreos for extra payment, in the case of another, the occasional candy bar.
And I suppose I should clarify, some of the above is not paid work, just volunteer.
But I like it.
Even if it cuts into the time for everything else.

Nine is a strange number to end on, but I like odd numbers, so...
This and more, is why I forget the rest of the world.
Though I think I might have taken an hour or so to catch up on that anyway, haha...
Be grateful for what you have; I'll try to do the same.

I love hills, they make me strong!!

In the last six months, I have learned...

• I will never be satisfied with my hair, but I'm thinking I'll like it long, so I'm growing it out.
• A sexy dress is not sexy until I'm wearing it.
• Piano is the best thing in the world.
  (I knew this, but I was reminded so I consider it learning)
• Boys are kind of mean, even when they're not trying to be.
• Sisters love you forever, but they'll act like they hate you when you screw up.
• Some shades of purple are just NOT my color.
• 'That kinda hurts' are magic words; without them, I will deny the pain and tears are absent.
• Falling in love takes a lot more time than I have free.
• Computers are evil things and if I'm under the impression that I'm in charge, they'll prove me wrong.
• Poisoning myself is really easy when I'm experimenting in the kitchen.
• I can really sing.
• Montana might be a place I can wear my red scarf year-long.
• I might be developing altitude sickness.
• Laundry should not be put off for three weeks at a time.
• There's no such thing as a budget when it comes to music.
• Putting on make-up takes skill and patience.
• I'm never going to start running if I don't just do it.
• A person can go through anime/manga withdrawal.
• Chocolate makes things better until you start thinking about those jeans you can't fit into.
• I'm nice even when I don't have to be.
• Sex is sacred and should be treated as such.
• Not having a steady internet connection is actually kind of okay.
• If you ask me to join your club, I will, even if I don't want to. I might even start cooking dinner for the club just because.
• Your best friend can make you feel the worst pain in the world without even realizing it.
• Sometimes you can't do anything to stop the world from going by without you.
• Most of my fellow college students can't spell worth a damn.
• I'm a bit of a clean-freak now that I'm on my own.
• The family will move, with or without me. Looks like 'without.'
• The sound of my voice is not my favorite thing.
• A person as easily distracted as I should probably not be driving.
• Ribbons are essential to cuteness.
  (I'm lacking cuteness today haha)
• Being maid of honor to a girl like Sam is an ongoing challenge.
• I'm good at math. Really good. Go figure...pun sort of intended.
• I go out of my way to help people, even if I don't really like them.
• My hands are my most important part.
• Puddles are fun, but dry pants are better.
• My secondary instrument is the bass, if only I could take the time to practice.
• I don't like pork products, but if you're cooking, I'll eat whatever you give me.
• I can survive without sunshine, I'm just a lot less happy.
• An artist I am not, but I can sure try.
• Add a dash of glitter and we might just have a taste of awesome.
• If I keep up this straight-A streak, I might fall over.
• I never drink alone, but then again, maybe I do.
• Parking a truck is not the same as parking my little Blazer.
• If music fails me, apparently my writing is amazing.
  (So say my professors, anyway)
• I will probably never knit more than a scarf.
• Photography is not my forte.
• No one I hang out with knows how to bargain shop.
• I'm officially a Gleek, and I'm proud of that.
• I don't really wanna live in South Carolina anyway.
  (Actually, Seattle sounds really good about now)
• People are difficult, but who am I to talk?
• When nightmares get better, it only means they're about to get even worse.
• Being a ditz is endearing, at least at my age.
• No one has a sense of rhythm quite like I do.
• Pumpkin cake can be baked in a microwave.
• My style cannot be matched, and often shouldn't be.
• I want to marry someone who plays the violin.
• Cherries really are the bomb.
• Sometimes, Spanish is okay. Sometimes.
• Cockiness doesn't make up for my lack of confidence.

And probably a few other things, but this is a good start...
Never knew there was so much is so little time...

Hope all's well with the rest of you, love you all!!

~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~

Using a Thesaurus to Define a Person...

Main Entry:	EmmaRae of the Milky Way
Part of Speech:	proper noun
Definition:	strange child of mixed properties
Synonyms:**	amazing, brassy, chocolate-lover, delightfully dense, elegant, funky, girlish, het up*, ingenious, joker, kid-like, lazy-day-afternooner*, Mommy's girl, the nice one?, open-heart, prettiful*, quirky, radical, silvery, truth-talker, under the radar, vanquisher-of-nonsense*, weirder than you wished for, xenomaniac, young-at-heart (and mostly in body), z - unspecified, or variable factor, number, person, or thing
Antonyms:**	awkward, bitchy, childish, dissonant, egalitarian, fast-talker, get-a-grip-on-your-self-freak-outs*, hard-rocker, ill-tempered, jock, killjoy, lousy worker, missish, nectar-drinker*, over-achiever, plebeian, quack, ridiculous, sorceress, tacent, undignified, venomous, wonky, xanthippe, yada-yada-yada, zero-tolerance-policy*

* words or descriptions that may mean nothing to you but something to the creature in question
** the content in these sections may cover both areas in certain cases

Hint Hint...

Ahem...

That is all...
~ ♥ ~ ~ ♥ ~ ~ ♥ ~ ~ ♥ ~ ~ ♥ ~

The joys of college life...

I live on slap-dash sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies.
I listen to music I don't like until the piano beckons me to real music.
I write papers for ones other than myself and fall in love with a book I wasn't assigned.
I run down the path in high heels, dressed to kill, and playing to die.
I fall in love...and realize it was just a dream.

Lonely in Gorgeous with a Red Scarf

Welcome to the world of my dreams, folks.
I hope my fellow college students are enjoying their year-end (or semester-end anyway) exams.
And I hope the rest of you take pity and send me something pretty to distract me from the monotony of life.

Love to you all...

The Final Countdown...

It's Dead Week.
Why do they call it that?
Do they expect our demise before the week is over?
Or maybe they're just letting us know that you don't make a lot of progress in the next week, you're just repeating everything you've learned before. You are dead in the water, so to speak.
Hmmm...

Well, it's nice to finally be here anyway...

There's so much going on this week.

Firstly, we are done with Soliloquy.
What is Soliloquy, you ask?
Why, it's what I've been wasting my time on all semester...
Ahem.
Soliloquy is RMC's literary arts journal, full of student writings and artwork, and just one of the many great things they have here at Rocky...
Okay, no, I can't go on in PR mode...
But it's fun, it's funky, I have three...or four...or something pieces in it, and tomorrow we are giving our 'Voices' presentation, where artwork is on display, and the students selected for publishing have the chance to read their pieces to the masses, and guess who is playing piano for the event?
Yep, it's that guy right over there...no, wait, that's me.
My first concert.
Sort of.
If you don't count a few talent show things here and there.
Break a leg?
But don't wish me luck, because Luck is derived from Lucifer, hence luck, good or bad, is from the devil, etc, etc, etc...
Pour out blessings instead, please!!

It's almost time for our juries in the music program.
Basically we will play our instruments in front of the faculty, and they critique our progress and knowledge and we either bump up a level or stay where we are for another semester...
I'm playing four pieces on the piano, and I'm pretty awesome, but I know I'll freak out on stage anyway.
And then I'm singing one piece as well, and that's only slightly less awesome, but the same thing goes...
Again, break a leg.
I've practiced my pieces so much over these last weeks, and I can't believe how much time I spent in the practice rooms...maybe I should keep this attitude up, hmm?
Super excited, though, and I can't wait to see what I can do after this...

I'm done with public speaking.
Period.
Er...
Well, sort of.
I still have to take a small groups communications class this summer, but I get the feeling that's a bit different than the singular speaking I've been doing, so I'm almost looking forward to it...and dreading it at the same time.
Why is it so easy to play something as outrageous as a hooker on stage, but I can't get up in front of the class and speak on music education without almost passing out?
Lord help me...

One more project in English, and I finally have it figured out, so I'm gonna rock the house on Thursday...or the classroom, anyway. And then a final, and yay, done...
I love English?
I love writing?
I love grammar?
I love spelling?
And I am so glad to be finally done with this class...
I'm tentatively planning a writing minor, but if I don't, I only have one more English class to take after this, and I'll be done...
YES!!!
Somehow it's just not fun when it's required...why is that?

I have finalized the application for a summer job here on campus in the music department...
Can you say Awesome??
You can?
Well say it about fifty times more and you'll get a taste of how I feel about this job...
It's nothing too dramatic, it's actually library work for the choir stuff, and it won't be THAT MUCH, but a job is a job, and if there are musical notations involved, I'm all for it...
So, Dr Hart, when do we start?

Lots of fun...

So hope you all had a happy Easter.
I played bells in a choir, and sang as well, at a Presbyterian church.
Nothing wrong with that, though I wish it was the church back home...
But it was very lovely, and I had fun doing it, and I've been invited to join the choir for all other events and such as well...maybe, we'll see...
Afterwards, I went out with some very nice people for lunch, and ice cream, and it was good to finally eat something...

I'm not starving, I'm just hungry.
I don't mind that I keep losing six pounds when I run out of food.
I don't mind that I have no energy, because all I do is play piano, and how much energy does that take?
No, scratch that, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, and the last few weeks, I've almost fallen asleep in front of the piano...
But it's all good.
And food it just kind of annoying, and takes so much effort and time and...
I feel like I'm falling into an eating disorder haha...
Whatever, I'm alive.
If I'm really hungry, I'll let you know.

Mom sent me money which is going straight to textbooks...I still have a can of soup left and some oatmeal and jello, Mom, so don't worry about me!!
And I'm super excited for my summer classes, by the way, so yay...
Oh, did I mention I'm going to get some choir pieces to work on over the summer?
Rad-tastic...
Wow that's lame lol...
I'll have a lot more time this summer, so hopefully I can get things figured out...

Any extra money I make this summer is going to a California trip...
Which makes me think of the song 'Route 66' that we're singing for graduation...
That should be awesome.
Maybe.
I wanna go and I don't want to.
I'd rather...
Nah, never mind, it's not happening...
But, well, actually, if I don't go to Cali, I'll be saving for a new computer because my laptop got a bad cold and may not recover...according to my computer-science friend it's a tough one, and takes more than he has at his command...we'll see, we'll see...

On that note, I'm using school computers all summer.
And I'm not writing any fiction pieces because they're all locked away now.
And I'm not watching any movies or anime at all, ditto on the locks...
Sigh.
Hopefully this just means I'll spend more time outside.
And I'll get my work done faster because I'll have less distractions.
Hopefully.

Um...
I feel out of touch right now, and out of ideas and thoughts...
I'm so tired it's not funny, but guess who's staying up late writing papers and playing piano?
Yeah, that'd be this dummy right here...
Don't you just love how crazy I am?

Guess I'll leave off then, I'm gonna buy my textbooks now...
Love you all, have a great week!!
~ ♥~ ♥~ ♥~

April Snowfall brings...

Pretty pictures!!!
Thanks to my theory professor for the photo...if he happens to wonder. :)

But it was kind of shocking to step outside and see all that white...which is in a constant state of melting and freezing, and this makes it the perfect consistency for one thing...snowball fights!!
Of course I didn't indulge in an all-out battle, no. I'm more the spy behind enemy lines, and when I saw my chance, I took it...and apparently scared the kids in the choir room with my beautiful aim at their window.
Mission: Success.

On another note, we're starting to wind down here at RMC...
Next week is 'Dead Week' - rather aptyl named, isn't it? - followed by the dreaded Finals...and then summer break, yeah!! Except wait, no, not for me, I'm taking some general courses over the summer term so I can focus on my music for the main one. Smart, yes, but wow, I feel a tad over-worked...it's okay, I'm good, I'm great, I can handle anything...I hope.
So summer doesn't actually start for me until July, and then things get interesting...
But that's for another time.

Hope you're all having a wonderful day, be it snowy or sunny, and I'll talk to you all again soon!!

Foiled by a watch...

I am looking for this watch...I've spent about an hour searching through sites, looking up 'GOTO' watches, and I get nothing...nada...zip...and then I stumble upon some Taiwanese pop artist that is apparently endorsed by the makers of this watch...but there's no link to the site...foiled again. If anyone knows where I can find this watch, please, let me know!!

On another note...
It would appear our house is being bought by some of our best friends from church.
Which means I can visit anytime I want, because they love me!!
Of course, I know, it won't be the same house exactly, but it's nice...
And rather than worry about not going home again, Mom and I are discussing plans for traveling abroad to see family...and it's family that makes it home, right?
Right...
Though I still wish I could go home, at least to pack up things, or rather figure out what should NOT be packed and throw it out, so Mom n Dad don't have to deal with so much of my stuff...
Oh, well, I guess they're fine without me.
South Carolina, here we come...er...here they come...


So since I don't have much of a family out here, I've made one with this group: Billings Catholic Campus Ministries. The leader of the group, Mary (not pictured because she's taking the photo!) is a really great girl, and she and this group have become a bit of a home-base for me, at least faith-wise.
And no, I'm not Catholic, nor am I converting, but I have to say, I've never met a Catholic I didn't like, and they're always more God-focused than other Christians I meet...sad, but true. Maybe it's all the rules, the rituals, the 'I have to attend church every Sunday plus Saint days or I'm going to hell...' mindset (though maybe they've laxed on that rule in the last few centuries?), but since they're so involved in church, they live their faith so much more openly then others, and there's a real sense of community, and family...
And they'll even take in a messed-up, funky kid like me.
Thank you, Mary, for the long talks, the pizza, the coffee, and setting up events like 'Theology on Tap' and 'An Evening with the Bishop;' they really help me to stay focused, and I love being apart of this ministry!!


On a not-so-God-filled note...
I played a hooker in the RMC Theatre production of Neil Simon's "California Suite."
I was cast as 'Bunny,' but no one ever knew my name unless they looked in the program.
And it was lots of fun, and no, I'm not just wearing underwear, that's a bikini!!
And I'm glad that I could find a role that wouldn't force me to cover up my tattoos, because that's been a bit of a concern lately...as if having a tattoo makes me less of a person? Yeah, thanks a lot...
But it was great, it was wonderful, it was amazing...
And I can't get Michael Bublé out of my head, but I think I"m alright with that.
Check out the lovely review here:
Click Me!!!

In a theatre exchange sort of thing, after coming to see our show, a group of us went down to Sheridan, Wyoming to see a production of 'The Dead Guy,' written by Eric Coble. It was funny, it was awkward, and we weren't quite sure we liked it...
Funny, but we kind of expected 'the dead guy' to survive...
But it was a blast, and I wish I'd gotten some pictures...oh well...

Life outside of theatre is going well.
Music is Life.
'Nuff said.
And I think I might be happy...today, anyway.

Love you all, hope life's treatin' you right, happy Thursday!!

Save the Breakdown for the Dormroom...

So I just realized that I will never see home again.
Confused?
So am I...
Let's go back a bit...

My parents are moving to South Carolina.
They've wanted to move for a few years, not necessarily there, just somewhere else, and it's finally official, and the house is on the market and they have an inspection or something happening today, and well, yeah...
And I was on the phone with my Mommy this morning, and was on the verge of asking if she wanted me home to help --since they're moving in the summer, I figured I could lend a hand, you know? Only before we get to that point, I say something about July or August, and she cuts in and says, "Actually, probably around June 15th."

Oh.
Okay.
I'm taking some summer courses until the beginning of July. Guess I can't help, sorry, but would you ask Grandma if she could store my stuff for me for a bit, please, until I figure out where I'm going? Yeah, sure thing, no problem...
No problem?
I just realized I'm not gonna be home at all before this happens.
Well, I have the pretty snow-covered Christmas scene in my head, so I guess I ended on a good note, anyway...

And goodness gracious, how am I gonna get to South Carolina???

Time to bring out the water-proof make-up so people only notice the glamorous and not the sad haha...

What's new in your lives?

A book in one hand, and an invisible piano beneath the other...

Chord progressions are fascinating, did you know?
I picked up an album from ELO the other day, and there was a song I'd never heard, but I was immediately caught by the notes, and so I tried to play them in my head...I knew it was a jump up of a perfect fourth, and then descending step-wise...except that there were four chords and they played five, and I couldn't figure out what was happening...until I realized the second to last was a seven chord, and then all was right with the world...
Though I'm sure Sam thought I was crazy, sitting next to her, playing keys that weren't there, speaking Greek for all she knew...
But it certainly made my day better.
Wish everything was that simple...

Long-lost persons, superhuman strength, and broken-down cars...

So life is crazy.
I think it is for all my friends.
And I think sometimes I aggravate the situation by listening to the same song over and over and over...three days in a row.
To my lovely roommates, I humbly apologize, and thank you for not banging on my door and telling me to stop.

It's been awhile since I last posted, though, so let me catch you up on a few things...

I mentioned last time, I went through this really scary period where my right hand was just being weird...that is to say, it was completely numb, twenty-four seven, as if I'd slept on it, but it never went away, and writing became difficult, as did playing piano, and though I kept calm, I was freaking out on the inside...and actually did freak out once after a doctor's appointment where the man told me 'It may last six days, it may last six months...'
Thank you, Amelia, for letting me freak out, and for letting me talk to you afterwards.
No surprise, they never did figure out what was wrong with me, but the feeling came back, and I'm playing just as well as ever, if not more, and my major thanks me for getting better...

Being a music major is awesome, by the way, and I don't know why I put it off for so long; I think I was worried about what people thought of me, and the expectations of my family, and I was a little scared, too, but I've never felt more at peace about what I'm doing with my life as I do now...I've got so many more friends in the department now, too; the musicees (thanks for the nickname, J-me) are really tight-knit and like a family, and I didn't get that feeling in the history department --though of course, they're still nice, it's just not the same. Plus, I'm really good at all this music stuff, which makes me believe I'm on the right track; I mean I just pick up on stuff so fast, it's awesome, I'm awesome, and I wouldn't be anywhere else.

Of course, I can't forget the non-music people that have taken me in; I have such a blast with everyone, and I know I can be quiet sometimes, but when I talk, you listen to everything I have to say, and even though you keep trying to convince me to watch scary movies with you, Mal, J-me, Nick, I love you all...when are we hanging out next?

Now it's not all sunshine and roses...very little of that, in fact, as stated in my last post, I don't get sunshine no matter the time or day or year...sadness!! haha, but seriously...

There's a member of the family that I've been hearing tales of since I was a kid, and for awhile, I almost considered her to be some sort of fairy-tale character; real enough, but still so far away from my life. And then we found her, and suddenly, bam, fairy-tale is solid. But there's still hesitation, and so, with a little encouragement, yours truly made first contact, and wow...welcome to the family, Amy!!
Only certain persons got mad at me, one left an angry message on my phone, and I felt for a moment that my whole life was crashing down, and who else could I blame but myself? Though it's ridiculous to think that I alone could ruin someone's life, think that I did, and it took me awhile to realize that wasn't true. And though it's been awkward, it would appear I've been forgiven, and even though there's still one that hasn't talked to me, I think everything's going to be okay, and the sudden whirlwind of this awesome discovery has settled into a light breeze.
My next goal is to meet fact-to-face, but we'll see what happens. For now, it's as if I've got myself a 'pen-pal' [web-pal is maybe a better term?], and I'm loving it...

I've discovered in the last month, many things about being a girl that I'd had no experience with before...for instance, for two weeks, with the exception of class time, where I'm focused and undistractable, I found myself in tears almost every ten minutes. I fear I may have brought people around me down, but no one ever said anything; I'm sure it was clear I didn't like being distressed, and I didn't want sympathy, either, but I don't think anyone can ever really ignore a girl in tears.
And what brought on these tears?
A good song, a stupid movie, running out of peanut butter, reading my textbook, watching my friends laugh at whatever was being said, playing piano, doing dishes, trying to figure out what to wear, filling up the empty water bottles, switching from a #2 pencil to mechanical...the list goes on, and gets more and more ridiculous. And every time my phone went off during class, where I'm unable to see what's up or what's wrong, for five minutes, I thought the worst, until the teacher brought me back to earth with her discussion on 16th-note rhythms.
(It never was the worst, and I keep wondering why my friends and family keep calling during my favorite class...)
It was completely inconceivable that I was acting this way, and I couldn't understand what had caused it, and for a moment...or more, actually...I was hoping God had pulled the same miracle twice and I was the virgin Emma...at least the emotional roller-coaster would have made sense, right?
But then my period came, and I was back to my happy-go-lucky self, and I have to wonder...is this a new trend? Am I going to be over-reacting to every little thing for two weeks a month for the rest of my life?
Heaven help me, and heaven help my friends, if that's the case...

Some lovely emotional turmoil that's been going through my mind as well concerns two of my best friends who are getting married.
First off, color me jealous?
It really seems like everyone but me is married or engaged or in a serious relationship...though of course that can't be true, but I think about it, and it's only worse when I think to myself, Mom had a one-year-old at my age, and Jess was married and Liberty was around when she was my age (though I can't remember if she was still inside Jess, but the point stands), and I feel like I'm breaking tradition here...
Then I think of Elle being in a serious relationship (with a boy I used to like!! the horrors continue), and she's not yet twenty, and then, wait...my friends I mentioned? Shonda is twenty, getting married in two weeks, and Sam is nineteen, and will only be twenty when she ties the knot next summer...
Which brings me to point number two: when did everyone get so young?
I feel like I'm getting a complex, but I refuse to do so at the same time, but then I rant which makes it seem like I've already got it, but if I don't rant, well...
As I said, emotional turmoil.

Sometimes I wish that I could take a baseball and just chuck it through one of the windows in the dorm here and and watch the glass shatter and explode...that'd be rather cathartic, don't you agree?
Except there would be fines and penalties and goodness knows what, so...
The other day, I was told some upsetting news --though truthfully, it was my own selfishness that made the upset, and everything was perfectly logical for the person involved-- and, not having a baseball or extra cash to pay for new windows, I did the next best thing...
I rearranged my room.
And discovered I have far more junk that any person needs, and I wonder how I fit it all so neatly into one space...which reminds me...I love packages, but have no room for the boxes they entail, so...no, don't stop sending me boxes, just make sure you send me some tape along with it, so I can still use the boxes after I take them apart to store them properly.
I also discovered that I have a lot of books and they are heavy. To move the wardrobe, I emptied one of the drawers, which had about fifty or so books in it, and I figured that would be perfect; I was golden. Except even then, I neglected to consider the second drawer full of even more books and thus heavier, and it was quite an exercise to push it from one side of the room to the other. At one point, I'd shoved back as far as I could, while using the desk for leverage, until the distance became too great, and my strength began to wane and I slid back against the wardrobe, temporarily defeated...I say temporarily, because I do not leave a job undone, and though I may be small, I'm stronger than I look, and I won't be defeated by a hundred-plus pound piece of furniture...even if the blackberry brandy I'd forgotten was on top decided to dive-bomb and hit me smack in the middle of my head...I've never had a headache from alcohol before then. =)
As you can see from the pictures [http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=753588966&aid=293926], I'm apparently a genius of both making messes and cleaning them up. And in the process, I decided to downsize as well. Five boxes are headed for the back of my car, and I finally took down my Twilight posters...I'm not as big a fan I was at the end of the semester, I guess? And the piano is finally more of a focal point than extra counter-space like it has been...now if only I could find a good chair to go with it...

I mentioned last time that I wasn't able to see family for any of the holidays, but that changed one day when my mother called and said "Grandpa said you need to go home, so he bought you a ticket."
[You have no idea how thankful I am for that, Grandpa!! love you!!!]
I spent every night cuddling with MJ, which was awesome, and I got to see the whole family when we all met up at the grandparents' place after Christmas, and it was just so much fun, and so relaxing, and I'm really going to push myself to go home at least for a little bit in August before school starts again, because I really do miss them, and though I'm sure they love me, too, it's more likely that I'll be the one taking the effort to go see them...this is nothing against my family, but it kind of seems like they don't care as much when they're in the thick of things because they just don't get as lonely as I do...
Which makes me wonder, Jess, how do you do it? I know you've got Eric and the kids, but that can't be enough when you're in a 'hicktown,' can it?
(And no offense to hicktowns, I think they're great and would love to live in one myself someday, but they're also really detached from everything else, so it can't be easy to suddenly find yourself stuck there when you're not used to that type of atmosphere)

Wonderful as visiting family was, though, I was eager to get back to school, and eager to get to know my friends better, and to go places...and to drive places...that I couldn't because, since I hadn't driven it in awhile, my car battery decided it wouldn't work.
And though I asked, schedules never matched up, so no one was ever able to jump my car, until last night, after an epic girls' night (kudos to Janie and Travis for making it awesome!!), and then, with Frankenstein crying out "It's alive!!" inside my head, I drove around, made sure it was running at least forty minutes, and then finally did some shopping for the groceries I so desperately needed --I love peanut butter and oatmeal, but variety is nice, and I missed my milk!-- and I felt like I ruled the world, queen of the road...
Until I put the groceries in the car and tried to start it, and then Bones said "She's dead, Jim!"
OMHolyness, I wanted to scream...
Instead, I kicked the car, and broke off some of the plastic over the bumper (sorry, Sylvie, I really do love you!!), and then a lovely young couple parked near me and stepped out of their vehicle and asked, "Do you need any help?"
Yes, please, and I don't care if you're strangers, because half of the people that could help are out of town for break, and the other half are sleeping (this is about one in the morning), and I'm stubborn and would probably rather walk than risk waking them up and getting them mad at me...my friend Jessica scolded me today when she found out I accepted a ride from strangers, so I promise, I won't do it again!!
But they were nice, they had awesome music, and did I ever mention I love the smell of cigarettes?
So it was a nice calm ride back to campus, and I did have my groceries, plus I now have a charger that I can plug in inside without needing another car to jump me, so I let it charge all night and found a ride early this afternoon with the lovely Katie, and Frankenstein again cried "It's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!"
[Much more enthusiasm today, I think, lol]
And I discovered that it wasn't due to non-use like I originally thought, but that I'd apparently hit the switch to keep the lights on, and yeah, that'll about do it when your battery's low already and getting old...I like the charger, but it's sinking it that I'll probably have to really replace the battery sometime soon, but we'll get to that when we get to it, yes?

And um...what else is going on?
I'm in a play...
I'm dying my hair...
I'm writing a song for my brother Jay...
And I'm almost out of peach tea, but I've got several other flavors, plus the original Lipton (can't go wrong with a classic, can we?), so I think I'm good...
Yeah, I'm good....

And I hope the rest of you are as well!!
Love you, God bless, thanks for reading...

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