Yes, I'm still waiting.

I had a little heart-to-heart conversation with a friend about sex the other day.

What it means to me, what I expect from it, what it will change inside of me when I have it...

Because the twenty-eight-year-old virgin is still a thing.

Several friends, well-meaning as I assume them to be, have told me that 'getting it over with' is my best bet for a normal life. Because the idea of virginity is just some male construct that lets the world determine my value instead of me determining it for myself. Yes, there is an actual physical barrier that God (or the universe or whoever) created inside my body, but biology has nothing to do with my worth, so sex and virginity is really not a big deal, and I shouldn't treat it as such.

A few (very few) friends have told me that I'm amazing, and they wish they had waited because sex is confusing and makes that 'normal life' so much more complicated than it should be. Because since I'm older, I'm, supposedly, smarter, and I can make better choices for myself than I might have if I had decided to have sex in high school like so many of my friends did. And yes, there is the little awkward bit where I have to tell people "Sorry, I'm not into sex," but if someone only wants me for my body, then they're not worth it anyway, and I shouldn't give them the time of day.

When I was younger, I dreamed of a big white wedding, the dress, the cake, the whole shebang, and then the real shebang on my wedding night. I didn't necessarily mind if he had a little more experience than I did, but I was going to let the world know that he was my one and only, and that my body was a sacred temple that could only be accessed after the both of us took vows to love, honor, and worship at my temple and my temple only, all other gods forsaken. The night would be thrilling and awe-inspiring, and even a little nerve-wracking, but it was going to be the absolute first night of my sexual education and awakening, and it was going to be bliss.

I still want a nice wedding, of course --though I'm preferring blue to white these days, and I've cut my theoretical guest list from about one hundred and sixty to just twenty-- but I've come to the realization that having a 'one and only' is not the only path to happiness. If I get lucky, that's all fine and dandy, but if I find a guy who turns all my dials, I'm not going to let some old-fashioned notion, however ingrained into my person it is, stop me from letting go and having a little fun. I don't need a priest and a few signatures on paper to find my bliss, and if that bliss happens to come from more than one person, my temple will still be just as holy.

So yes, I'm still waiting.

I'm waiting for someone who makes me feel special.

I'm waiting for someone who cares enough to want me to feel special.

I'm waiting for the right mood, the right moment, the right look in his eyes that will tell me, "Yes, it's time."

But am I going to wait for an "I do" just because my mother tells me so?

Not a chance.

Because if I let it all happen to me instead of going out and making things happen myself, then I'll just be another passive-aggressive little girl who's afraid of the world, and who would want that kind of girl anyway?

Cheers.

Apologizing for the sake of apologizing

There have been a lot of weird little dramas in my life lately, some I deal with better than others, but the most recent frustration was over a few words that should have been said to someone's face...

Let's back up, shall we?

I have (had?) a friend that I absolutely adore...but she's proven time and again that she's not the kind of friend I want. I'm a forgiving sort, but there comes a point where you have to realize that even the people who say they have your back don't necessarily have it.

This particular realization came about when this friend decided to ignore me for an entire week...because she thought I was mad at her. What would I have to be mad at? I mean, yes, I get mad, but as I said, I'm a forgiving sort, so the mad really only stays for five minutes before it goes away and I just shake my head, roll my eyes and smile as we continue on our friendship adventure.

Except when she decided to ignore me, it was also when she broke things off with a lover who happens to be my very best friend, and so at first, I thought she had decided to break things off with both of us. And then, in trying to help my best friend through things, I learn that she wasn't as okay with our friendship as I thought, and there were certain things she had done that were absolutely uncalled for...

So I may have said some things, and decided, to hell with it.

And then she decides to talk to me again, and I call her out for ignoring me for a week, after which she says "I thought you were mad" --which, granted, by that time, I kind of was-- and we sort of make up.

But I'm not sure that I want to be her friend, and I say so to my best friend, and also how, even if I did, I don't know how to be her friend right now.

Because if someone says they want to cut you out of their life, then doesn't that mean they don't want to be your friend anyway?

And within a week, she's not talking to me again. A little more permanently this time, and I'm at a loss, until I hear that she knew what I had said.

So I understand why she's cut me off this time, and I am relieved to find I don't really care...except my best friend says I should apologize anyway.

"It doesn't have to be genuine, just do it."

And I hated him for just that little moment, because he cared more about her feelings than mine, even though the things I said were perfectly justified, and there was nothing but the truth in them.

Except.

I talked with my sister, my mother, a few other friends, and they all agreed that I had nothing to apologize for, that I would be validating her actions, and that if she didn't wallow in her hurt for long enough, she would never come to the realization that she was the one in the wrong, and her actions would never change, and she would remain that immature, hurtful little girl for the rest of her life...no one argued that point, and most even brought it up before I did.

Except if I want to be the kind of person I want to be, I really need to learn to say mean things to people's faces anyway instead of being so passive-agressive.

And my best friend keeps saying I should apologize anyway, and he asks on the daily, "Did you talk to her today?"

So I wrote a script.

And I was honest.

(To a point.)

And if the apology wasn't genuine, it at least sounded like it, and I added a note to flatter her at the end because God knows she'll tell him exactly what I said, and frankly, they're BOTH immature enough that a little sugar-coating will go a long way.

And if I was a little frustrated for the moment, I stopped being so after I realized that even though he wanted me to apologize to her, he didn't say we had to be friends again.

So I did it.

"So get off my back, woman!"

(Because saying "Get off my back, man!" just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

And I have learned the necessity of apologizing sometimes even when you don't mean it, because if you apologize, people shut up, and being left in peace is really what it's all about.

For an asocial little brat like me, anyway.

Cheers.