Feeling musical...

So I shall share...

First
 ~ My sister's band is pretty epic. http://sweeteverafter.net/  Don't know how we got so much talent up in this family, but yay!!  You're an inspiration, Amy.

Second
 ~ I'm currently obsessed with the piano for this song by Muse. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4EqjvnWfRM  I'm in the process of transcribing it to sheet music, but we'll see where that goes...and then maybe I'll play it for a show or something.

Third
 ~ There's this show you may have heard of: Glee.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooTzpVGPhr0  Though I've listened to the music for the first show, I haven't watched it yet, and I'm not sure if I will...but it's cool anyway.

I wish that music came so easily to my fingertips as it did to my ears...

Somebody remind me what I'm doing here, please. :)

Dream big...

And try not to crash and burn like me when you do it...

So my life is a little crazy right now.
School has started back up again, for which I am eternally grateful.  Thus far, my classes, and professors, are fun and quirky, and engaging, and I'm so glad that I am here.
However.
Despite my lovely cheerleader exterior, I am in a constant freak-out mode.
What do I have to freak out about?  Let's see...
I'm turning twenty-five in less than a week.  And I have done NOTHING I wanted to do by this point in time.  I haven't gotten the million degrees I wanted.  I haven't published any novels.  I haven't written a popular song.  I haven't found the person I want to spend my life with.  Or, I have, but he hasn't found me in return, so it's useless.
My room has never been messier than it has been this last month.  You'd think, in a month, I could find the time, and the drive to clean.  But I'm easily distracted (I swear I'm ADD or something), or I'm running around, or I'm sleeping, and so the mess stays and grows and every time I turn around from my computer, I cringe, and turn right back, hoping that denial will actually make things go away.  Yeah, right.
My hands are shaking like ALL THE TIME.  Do you know what that does to a person?  Do you know what that does to a writer, to a pianist?  I'm constantly having to take a breath, tell myself to calm down, and wait for my hand to settle, for just five minutes, so I can focus on something other than how broken I am.  And that's besides the fact that my right hand likes to go numb at random intervals, and stay that way for days, even weeks, on end.
Also, if you hadn't heard, my family is a bit broken at the moment.  We're scattered, we don't talk to each other, and I can't fix anything, because I'm the farthest from all of them, and really, what could I do if I was there, except to smack somebody upside the head, or yell at someone, or...I'm useless.
And so I'm freaking out.
That, and the counselor at school thinks I'm bipolar, my friends think I'm suicidal (I keep TELLING them, I don't want to DIE, I just want to FEEL something), and I keep feeling like all my professors, great as they are, are looking at me with varying degrees of pity, despair, and disgust.
(That last bit might just be paranoia, but I still feel it, regardless)
Oh, and I'm in love with a fictional character.
Like really and truly, where it hurts.
Somebody give the girl a prize for only breaking down behind closed doors (offices or bedrooms), because I'm pretty sure you need a damned Olympic medal for all the persona up-keep I'm doing.

Somebody once said 'fake it til you make it.'
But I don't think I can fake it anymore.

Thank GOD for classes to distract me.  (I really do love school, you know?)

And yay for an emotional update when I've fallen off the radar for months...
Peace out.

Pondering the Enigma on a Tuesday Morning...

The other day I was out shopping, and I had my mum on the phone.  It's not an uncommon thing; I call her more than most people call their mothers, I'm sure, and while shopping is usually my favorite time to do so, because I can ask her advice on recipes, see if I'm actually getting a good deal on something, or just laughing at the weird things you can buy if you feel like wasting your money on it.  At some point in this particular conversation, our subject turned to apple juice (I saw applesauce and the conversation quickly turned to all things apple from there) and I reminisced on how apple juice was my least favorite thing of all, mostly because when I was ten, I had my tonsils out, and they wanted me to drink something before taking the IV out of my hand --need I mention I'm not a big fan of needles?-- and lo and behold, apple juice was all they could offer.  I love orange juice, but there's too much acid in that for so fresh after surgery, and I'm sure milk would have just been weird.  Heaven knows why they didn't just offer me a glass of water...
But I digress.
So I ranted a little on how I hated apple juice, and continued about my shopping, which included picking up some soda for a little party I'm throwing, and I get home to find that, lo and behold, I have a box of apple soda in my possession.
Which makes me wonder what possessed me to get it?
Probably the funky green color and the design on the box...
But seriously, Em?
Though I have to admit, it is rather tasty...maybe I should try apple juice again sometime.

Independence Day Ragings & Other Nonsense

[the following may or may not have a single thing to do with being American on the 4th of July]

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There is a certain person, let's call her 'B' who has been with me throughout my musical college career.  She is encouraging and engaging, and is behind me one hundred percent, always helping me when I have struggles and giving me ideas when I hit a dead end.
She is also one of those lovely people who knows exactly what to say to crush a person.  She's practical and pragmatic and very down to earth in all respects, and, to a person who is spontaneous and crazy and has such big dreams as I, very much a realist.  I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with her where I am nodding because she's just so damn logical that I can't bring myself to argue despite my heart breaking on the inside.
Alas, I have put my life in her hands more times than I know, and I will continue to do so because, to be frankly honest, I absolutely worship the ground she walks on.  And I know she won't steer me wrong.
Though I can't deny that I might cry one or two more times before everything comes together in that lovely ideal called perfection.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There are three things off the top of my head that I want out of life.
  The first being that I want always to be surrounded by music.  I don't particularly care if I'm the one playing it or if I'm just delegated to the role of listener; if I could have music playing somewhere all day, I would be perfectly happy.  Well, as long as there's no death metal, post-90s rap, or Nicki Minaj (I can't stand her and don't know how gullible a person has to be to believe that the drivel she produces is actually music).
  The second thing I want is a warm, and sunny kitchen.  This will take some time, of course, seeing as I live in an apartment that is practically at basement level, and there's no way I would be able to afford a place of my own at this time.  I'm not even sure if I want to stay in Montana forever.  But wherever I settle, I am determined to have a bright and sunny kitchen.  Big windows over the sink, the walls painted yellow with blue accents, the smell of cookies and bread on the air, and thank you, but no dishwasher, because it's just so much more fun doing it all by hand.
  The third and last thing I really want (though it may in fact be the first) is to never be alone.  Heaven knows how I'll manage this, or even when my current lonely circumstances will change, but I still hold out hope.  I want a big family, but I'll settle for just one person to be there always, to hold me, and love me, no matter what silly thing I may come up with to drive the person insane.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"A remarkable felicity of expression."
If someone told me I had this, I would die happy.
Until then, I shall continue in my own messy way.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Every time I find myself satisfied with my life, someone else does something inherently selfish and evil, and I think to myself, what gives you the right to throw away what I so desperately want?
Case in point:
A friend of a friend of a friend...well, a young woman was speaking to her friend of how she was going to miss her four-year-old son.  The friend replied in query, is he going somewhere for a while?  Probably thinking of a trip to grandparents or something along those lines.  The young woman negates the statement however, by announcing that she had put him in foster care.  Immediate sadness and pity is shown, and the question of why?  Were times really that hard that she could not care for him?  And the heartless young tramp announces that it was too hard to be a mother and keep a man around at the same time.
Oh, to be an acquaintance of that hussy and slap her silly.
I would kill to be a mother and she gives up her motherhood for sex?  I've heard of unfit mothers, but really.  What is this world coming to?

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Working in retail is a learning experience.
And a bit worrisome.  There are so many things, shiny, bright things, loud, colorful things, and I have to wonder, if everyone is so poor, why do they spend their money on such silly things as a glitter-bedecked shirt that will lose all its glitter in the wash, or a popcorn box with M&Ms drawn over its surface?  Do they assume that just because they shop at a low-cost store that they're not spending as much money if they go for those unnecessary extras?  Haven't these people ever heard of thrift?
And for goodness' sake, would someone please explain to me what the point of an 18-hour bra is?

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

God bless America.
Because we sure as hell need Him.
Happy 4th, everybody.

A little highlight...

"Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd..."

Even after God-knows-how-many weeks of rehearsals and then performances, I am still not sick of this show.  It's just that good.  Sondheim is just that good.  And I'd like to do another and another and another...
But this last weekend, what really made my day (or night, as the case happens to be) is that after the little sextet group sang our pieces on Saturday (see above picture; I'm the second girl on the right), the audience applauded as we walked off stage.
Now you might be thinking, well, of course they did, that's what audiences do.  But the thing with Sondheim is that he doesn't really leave a lot of time for applause.  There are moments, but the music generally starts up again in seconds, and our director, being a Sondheim enthusiast, tries to encourage the movement as much as possible.  So in this particular scene, even though the music does stop for longer than a moment, the folks from the next bit are generally already onstage as we walk out, so the audience remains silent.  Sad, but I didn't mind overmuch.
Except apparently they were late to walk on stage that night, because the applause came, and now I crave it every performance.
Maybe a little unrealistic, but oh, well...
I just know I had the hardest time trying not to grin as I walked off stage, because Damn RIGHT, they applauded us!!  Or me, because I'm clearly the best in the group.
(HA!)

I wish every night was a musical...

Fancy a nightcap?

A few delightful happenings in my life...

1.  I moved into an apartment with my friend Keli Rhea.  She's pretty awesome --another music major, though focusing on vocal performance rather than instrumental-- and is very easy to live with thus far.  I say 'thus far' because I totally expect to have a blowup at some point or other, but I'm sure we'll survive it when it comes.  I'm completely unpacked, excepting my dishes, because she has quite a few of her own (though her pots and pans leave something to be lacking, but I'll deal), and thought there were skeptics, I was able to fit every single thing I own in this room.  And my room is organized.  And clean.  I also don't have a bed, so I'm sleeping on seven layers of blankets.  Which brings us to number two...

2.  I bought a bed.  Yes, I know, I said, but I only just bought, I don't have it, yet.  It should be arriving at the store for pick-up (because I prefer that to finding a note on the door about it being delivered while I was out so I have to go to some storage place or whatever to pick it up) sometime next week.  I'm pretty excited, because I decided on a bunk-bed, planning for visits from a sister or friend or something, and though it was a little more expensive, I feel rather proud of myself for the planning aspect, and I figure it'll be worth it in the long run.  However, I never imagined that I could be looking for a bed for over an hour.  Seriously, it's just a bed, isn't it?  Well, apparently not.  But mission possible and yay and weird, because despite my age, I feel way too young to be buying my own furniture...guess we all gotta grow up sometime, eh?

3.  I have a job.  Nothing fancy, mind you; I'll be working the overnight stocking shift at the local Wal*Mart.  The hours are pretty good, even considering overnight, and the pay is decent as well, plus I've been guaranteed at least thirty hours a week, so maybe I can actually put something away in my savings.  Yay?  Since the shifts are going to be kind of long, I bought really comfortable tennis shoes to wear, and I have designs on becoming best friends with the peanut butter and jam sandwich I plan on eating every night for my 'lunch break.'  It's healthy, anyway.  And so, yeah, my schedule will be a little weird, planning out sleep and such, but I'm pretty good at that anyway.  And once my new bed comes in, and I actually have a mattress to sleep on, I'm betting I'll be great.  Though you could say a prayer for me anyway; I wouldn't say no. :)

4.  I'm considering devoting my life to musical theatre.  Okay, okay, I kid.  But Sweeney Todd is really pretty awesome, and though I've been singing the songs for months now, I'm still not sick of them, and I get so excited every night before a show, and I just love it.  Sometimes I wish I had a bigger part, but singing in the sextet is pretty awesome anyway, and I love the outfits, and the crazy, and Johanna is the greatest...(though I may be biased, considering that Keli Rhea is Johanna, haha)... The theatre announced its next season, and though I may not try anything for the fall, there are a couple shows in the spring I'm excited for.  And I've decided to volunteer as assistant costumer anyway, whether I get something or not, and that will be a blast in and of itself, because our costumer Zach is just delightful.  So I'll keep up with it anyway, whether I sing or not.  I'll always have the concert choir and chamber singers, at least...

5.  I officially started looking at grad schools.  Yes, I know, I still have some time before that.  But I'd like this to be something that actually happens, and not just some fantasy I make up in my head.  And, of course, money not being overly plentiful, I plan on working for some time before I move on, because even with loans, I'll need all the help I can get.  But I started looking today, and called a few places to ask about their programs, and well...I'm excited.  I've only looked in Seattle so far, but I'll branch out from the dream schools soon enough, I'm sure.  If I was really daring, I'd look in Paris or Prague...but we'll see.  We'll see.

Sometimes I think I have too much going on...
I'd say it's about time for a drink, wouldn't you?

Love to you all, and good night!

Sunday Five on a Tuesday...

Why Sunday?

Because I meant to post then anyway, and got distracted...
And I like Sundays better anyway.

So...

1.  I'm in a different room.
  Three doors down.
[Yes, I know that's a band]
I've been told that changing rooms every year like we do here is odd, but I've never been anywhere else, so it doesn't seem anything less than normal to me.  That, and I like the change of scenery, and having an excuse to actually go through my stuff and toss things...which I promise, I do; I'm not a total pack-rat, contrary to popular belief.
  But I can't speak too much on what it's going to be like here.  At the moment, I'm sharing the living space with another piano major, and it's kind of nice to think I might get to know this girl...and maybe get rid of that sense of competition I have whenever I'm around her and realize she's five years younger and a lifetime better than me.  She's great, though, and what I've observed of her, outside the practice rooms, is pretty cool.
  However, things change, and I might, just might, be in another room next month...
  But I have to ask certain peoples first, so we'll wait on that.

2.  Despite what everyone thinks, I do eat.  Sometimes it's just a bowl of cream of wheat or some reheated pasta --there is ALWAYS pasta, especially on my nonexistent budget-- but I eat.  I'll mix things that shouldn't be mixed, just so I can get all my vitamins and minerals.  And if it looks like hell and tastes even worse, what does it matter?  My stomach is made of iron.  And I'm happier full with a yucky taste in my mouth than empty with no taste at all.
  That being said, sometimes I need people to remind me what time it is (i.e., suppertime, breakfast-time, etc).  And sometimes I don't have any milk or meat.  But if I can keep up with my vitamins, I should be okay, don't you think?
  Plus Sam and Bryon will always feed me when I visit, so I can get a real meal at least once a week.

3.  I'm a hopeless romantic.
  Not really a surprise, is it?
  It really hits home, though, when I almost freak out because I almost broke a teacup that holds the corsage from my senior prom.  And it's not about the boy or the dress or the music.  It's about how pretty it is, and how just looking at it makes me feel like a princess.
  And speaking of princesses, I have two tiaras in my room, and yes, I wear them on a regular basis.
  I believe in fairy tales and am crushed when I read something and find that an author I held in such high esteem throughout my reading shows me in the last two or three pages that he/she is a little less optimistic about life.  I war with wanting to read more or returning to such tales as Cinderella and The Sleeping Beauty, but then I remember that despite my 'hopeless romanticism,' I'm also, well...
  Suffice to say that in the last year, I have succumbed to numerous jealous fits when someone other than me (and it's always other than me) gets a 'happily ever after.'  Granted, such fits are often followed by a tearful jag beneath the covers that only leads to nightmares where 'happy' isn't even in the lexicon.
  I'm sure there's something off about a romantic who is tormented at even the thought of romance.

4.  I have become...well, 'addicted' is such a harsh word...let's just say that I really enjoy fanfiction.
  You know fanfiction, right?  A fanbase is so enamored of a character or two (or three, or four...) and so in love with the world that they live in that they will hence proceed to write their own story-lines to those characters and worlds.  I'm not sure if they believe they can do it better, or they're just in a constant state of wondering 'What if, instead of that, he did this...' and so they write about it, and the rest of the world stumbles upon their words, quite unaware of what they're getting into until it's up to the fifteenth chapter, and it hasn't been updated in a week, and they're screaming at their computer screens...
  Not that I've resorted to screaming.
  Yet.
  But being an avid reader, it's hard to turn away from something that discusses a subject I love, and so I read and read and read, and find myself caught up in all manner of literary travesties, some of them silly to the point of stupid, others full of smut-smut-smut they wouldn't show on Skinemax, and still others that are so brilliant they bring a tear to my eye when they find the perfect ending.
  And this doesn't even touch on the AU (alternate universe) themes that crop up as well.
  I have yet to succumb to writing one myself, but my fingers itch at the thought, so I'm sure I'll be there in no time at all, if only because sometimes, just sometimes, it's a relief to have a character already written out with only the dialogue and scenery to supply.
  Heaven help me if I decide to drop my personal fictions for this...drivel...

5.  I'm taking statistics during the May term.
  Believe it or not, I actually kind of like math.  The reason why I've scorned it in the past is simply due to the fact that I have a very short attention span, and can't focus for an entire semester, let alone a year, like they expected in high school.  It's just not feasible.  I don't know if I'm a touch ADD or what, but I just can't do it.
  However, sit me down for a three week course?
  I'm golden.
  And I really, really, really, really like math.
  Which is why I keep my math books when I'm done.
  Well, that, and the fact that every time I'm in a math class, it just happens to be the last one where they use the book that I bought, so the bookstore won't take it back.
  Still.
  Math is kind of cool, you know?


And that'll do it for today.
Happy Sunday on a Tuesday.

Romantika v každém věku [Romance at any age]

Photo courtesy of my friend Zuzana...though idk if she actually took it or not lol

I'm not sure there's really a point to this post...

I just wanted to say hi?

Feel free to say hi back...

[please say hi back]

Okay, so...

Finals for spring are finished.

I passed my level-change jury.

I'd like to do a recital late fall, early spring, but we'll see.

Bach is both a lover and an adversary.

And I really don't understand twentieth-century composition, but if I read the book a few more times, maybe it would click.

All but one roommate is gone.

I get the leftovers.

I clean what doesn't get cleaned.

And I move into a new room in two weeks.

All the while wondering what in my own room I can donate or simply toss, and try not to have so much clutter...

I watched a film once, this guy says, "I take pride in the fact that I can fit my entire life into two suitcases."

I'll take three and a laptop case.

Currently I stand at a full Blazer plus some extra boxes I might just tie to the roof.

Dangerous.

I currently have in the works plans to visit.

First, visit my grandparents, in Minnesota, along with my sister, my brother, whatever other family might be around, and some friends that live in a two-hour radius of the place, for the first two weeks in July.

Second, my sister out in California, sometime in October, no more than a week, and I have no idea what we'll do, but it might be awesome.

Third, this luthier out in Bozeman, to get a better violin, as the one I have, even fixed, is just a crappy violin that works in the short term but will never sound good, no matter how good I get.

[Not sure when that one will be]

And maybe a few other things that keep slipping out of my reach...

And really, only the third is definite, because when it comes to saving money, if there's not music involved, I'm just not good at doing it.  Though I'd love to play on Grandma's piano again, and since my sister is a musician herself, well...

Maybe I'll hotwire my brain to think the circumstances equate each other.

...

And that's all I feel like spilling atm...

Adieu, mes amis.

Top Fives...Mostly...

Photo by Jessie Johnson, December 2011

AND NOW FOR THE PURELY PERSONAL SIDE OF ME...

The piano is my God.

(Blasphemy?)

I am beholden to its whims, and am wont to offer sacrifice so that it might play the way I want it to, whether the pitches are ever-so-slightly out of tune, or the keys are extra-heavily weighted. I have discovered that no two pianos play the same. And once I get used to playing on a grand, I find that no matter how lovingly tuned the upright piano is, it absolutely sucks.

(Blasphemy to my 'God'?)

Yet still I play, hour after hour, and sometimes I'll be stuck on one measure and other times I can play an entire piece through, and some days I just feel like sight-reading. I'm getting good at that, by the way. But no matter how good I think I am, some passage will always be waiting to sneak up on me, cut me down, toss me aside, and tell me I'm no good. So I have to learn how to practice a different way, and build different muscle memory, and keep going and going until I'm on top once more.

Only to fall again when my professor puts a new piece in front of me.

A never-ending cycle of pain and tears and frustrations and practice, practice, practice...

And you ask me why I do it?

Because I love it, of course.

And now, for something completely different.

MY TOP FIVE ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES

17 Again (Yes, I'm serious.)

Disney's Sleeping Beauty

Disney's Beauty & the Beast

Under the Tuscan Sun

Tortilla Soup (also good is the Chinese version of this: Eat, Drink, Man, Woman)

Byousoku 5 cm [5 Centimeters Per Second] (Yes, I know that's six, so sue me.)

I will also recommend any films with Danny Kaye and Rosalind Russell.

MY TOP FIVE ALL-TIME FAVORITE ANIMES

(Yes, I went there.)

Nodame Cantabile

K-ON!

Paradise Kiss

Usagi Drop

Toradora

Saki (Again, yes, it's six, whatever, I could go on, and you know it.)

MY TOP FIVE ALL-TIME FAVORITE BOOKS

The Witch of Blackbird Pond, by Elizabeth George Speare

Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine

Birthright, by Nora Roberts

Sunshine, by Robin McKinley (though Spindle's End is pretty wicked too)

Abhorsen Trilogy, by Garth Nix (oops, guess that's three books, isn't it? haha)

Though basically anything by Nora and Robin is good, and I also recommend Jennifer Crusie for some light reading as well.

MY TOP FIVE ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONGS

(This list subject to hourly changes)

Don Giovanni, "Madamina, il catalogo è questo," by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

L'Orfeo, "Ritornello," by Claudio Monteverdi (I don't know if it's actually called that, but that's what the piece of music is classified as.)

"Never Going Back to OK," by The Afters

"Tant que vivray," by Claude de Sermisy

"Piano Concerto No. 2," by Sergei Rachmaninoff (especially the first movement)

Most of Monteverdi's choral work is amazing, and anything by Tomás Luis de Victoria is good listening as well. You may note I did not list any JPop songs, but it would be cruel to decide on a select few of those, don't you think?

MY TOP FIVE SMALL SMILES

CURLING UP WITH A CUP OF TEA AND JUST LISTENING TO MUSIC.

I am, as you might have known, not the most relaxed person in the world. However, give me some Lipton and a good melody, and I purr like a kitten. Now if only I could figure out how to make that cucp of tea never-ending...

BLASTING JPOP IN MY ROOM.

It's so upbeat and poppy and I love to sing along, and get distracted and then I turn around and find I've finished my homework, or cleaned my room, or cooked an entire meal without really feeling the effort.

PLAYING WITH THE THEORY PROFESSOR'S DOGS.

The biggest drawback of campus life --and often the only one I really see-- is not being able to own a dog. And then I go into theory class or composition and those pups are just so happy to see me, and I don't care about anything else in the world except scratching behind the ears and cuddling up against those warm bodies.

PUTTING ON A PRETTY DRESS.

Okay, so maybe I own fifty-plus dresses, and maybe they're all pretty. But sometimes, you need just the right one that will make you turn to the mirror and go, oh, hi there. Aren't you just as pretty as a princess? Why yes, yes I am, thank you.

BROWSING THE LIBRARY SHELVES.

The incredible luxury of all those stories, all that information, all those beautiful pictures! Someday, someday, I'm going to have my own library, and it will be bliss...

PLAYING A SONG PERFECTLY. (Yes, I went on to six again.)

There's just this sense of awe, and relaxation, and the thought crops up, "I really can do this, can't I?" And I'm high for days from something that perhaps took no more than five minutes to play.

Could life get any better?

Perhaps.

But I'm pretty happy now anyway.

Until next time...

How do you say that in English?

I've been browsing my blogs...

Not that I want to read them, because that would take too much effort.

[It's been a long weekend that felt more like a few Mondays in a row than anything else]

But if I see a picture or a phrase or a blog from that one kid who never blogs, I might stop and take a gander.

What I'm seeing just in the small tidbits on my bloglist makes me smile, though.

Why, you might ask?

I read a blog by a favorite pianist, in French.

I read a blog by this lovely, throaty alto who can sing 'Mack the Knife' like nobody's business, in Swedish.

I read a blog by this quirky foreign exchange I met in high school, in German.

I read a blog by an old friend who loves to write, in Shakespearean English.

I read a blog by a professor on my campus whom I haven't had the pleasure of having a class with yet, all concerning English grammar.

And I just noticed somebody writing in a little funky bit of Spanglish.

It takes all kinds to make a world, and sometimes I think, just from the comfort of my desk, I can speak to them all.

Though I wonder just how many different dictionaries I can fit in this drawer before I need to stop talking, haha...

Well, homework calls...and wouldn't you know, it's not in English? :)

Love you all, hope you're well...

On A Sunday Afternoon...

Though actually, it's only a quarter til, so I guess that's a lie?
Oops...

Anyway, so you may or may not be wondering what's new with myself in the new year?

First point of business...
I'm performing with the Rimrock Opera in their production of Robert Ward's The Crucible -- for those of you who know the play, this is basically the same thing, except it is the opera [and NOT the play!!] that won the Pulitzer prize. I have a part in the chorus, and am an understudy for Mercy Lewis, "a fat, sly girl of eighteen," who follows Abigail Williams about, declaring such and such persons performed witchcraft, etc, etc. I'm rather excited over it, and if you're in Billings the 28th and 29th of April, you should definitely come and see the performance.

Second point of business...
I'm taking violin, and though it's rough going, I find myself continually amazed and surprised at what I'm learning, and I get a little chill when the bow crosses the strings at just the right angle and I can feel the instrument vibrating against me...fanciful notions aside, it's a rather expensive instrument to keep up with, especially when you're starting with a second-hand piece that should maybe have been made into firewood years ago. But I've been assured it will be far cheaper to repair it than to buy a new one, so I'm okay with it.

Third point of business...
I have received a scholarship to cover part of the summer course fees -- since we all know I like taking classes year-round -- and I'm applying for another scholarship for the fall as well. There has been talk of me transferring to another school closer to my parents, but the only upside of that is that when my car breaks down, my father will fix it. Otherwise, all my hopes and dreams will pretty much be crushed if I go. So I'm taking out a few loans for next year as well, and staying in Montana for the long haul.

Fourth point of business...
I'm going to play a piano duet with my dear friend Travis, who is also a piano major. There is no set date for this performance, as we just decided on the music last week, but rest assured, all will be invited when the time comes.

Fifth point of business...
I asked out a boy I've been mooning over for the last who knows how long, and he turned me down flat. Therefore, I'm accepting offers of arranged marriages, because I simply don't care anymore. Also I don't really have the time for a relationship, which is probably what he was thinking as well, so, there we are.

I'm alive.
I'm healthy.
I still have nightmares, but I'm praying, and I'm eating right.
Thank you for your concern.
I love you all.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

And reading this back, I sound like a pompous ass, but again, there we are.
You have to love me anyway, so suck it up, will you?

Until next time, then...

Letter to the future, Part 1 (of maybe only 1 Part)

My dragon is bleeding.
How is this possible, you ask?
For once I shall spare the gory details and just tell you that I'm having female issues.
Thank God you're not a girl, right?

I'm tired.
I'm tired of staring at a computer screen, waiting for something interesting to appear.
I'm tired of reading the same old books, even when they're my favorite.
I'm tired of all the stupid, crazy, scary ideas that pop up in my head when I don't want them.
I'm tired of putting on a happy face when I want to scream and tear my room apart.
I'm tired of living in a place where I can't make a mess and just let it be.

I'm hungry.
I might have just eaten, but it wasn't quite enough.
Not to mention I kind of wondered if the milk had gone bad, even though the sell-by date was only three days ago.
Don't you usually have another week beyond that?
I'm hungry for sugar right now.
I shouldn't have had those Starbursts the other day because they threw my system out of whack.
This is why I don't order dessert or pick up a brownie on the buffet line.
Food screws me up, but I really want some more right now.
Last night I ate nearly two-thirds of a bag of stale popcorn from the movie I'd seen on Friday.
I don't really know what to eat, though.
I'm just hungry.

I'm depressed.
I'm depressed because I couldn't find the right German dictionary for my Diction class.
I'm depressed because I can't keep my room in some sort of order.
I'm depressed because every story has a happy ending except for mine.
Never mind that my story isn't anywhere near to ending anyway.
I'm depressed because I freak out over stupid things I can't control.
I'm depressed because I might transfer schools and I really don't want to.
I'm depressed because if I don't transfer schools, I'm definitely taking out a loan.
I'm depressed because as far as I know, I haven't met you yet.

...cue Michael Bublé song...

I'm scared.
I'm scared that I'm never going to get any better.
I'm scared that all I've done thus far will have been for nought.
I'm scared that when I go to sleep at night, I'll have another messed up dream.
I'm scared that one of these days I'll stop being polite, and never go back.
I'm scared that I won't be a good mother if I don't start changing myself right now.
I'm scared that my friends won't stick around.
I'm scared that everything is so far beyond my reach.
I'm scared that you don't exist.
I'm scared that one of these days I'll start crying, and I won't be able to stop.

I think I need to calm down.
I think I need to go eat some protein.
I think I need to put on a movie and relax.
I think I need to pray.

Prayer is something I don't do that often these days.
I'm so disappointed in what I don't get that it seems useless.
Never mind that my time isn't God's time.
Never mind that sometimes unanswered prayers mean 'Sorry, but no.'
I've lost my faith somewhere along the way.
I only pray when the nightmares get really bad.
And then when I think they get better, they get worse again, and I give up.

Sorry God.
Sorry you.
I need some help.
Fix me, please?

...sigh...

Off to find more food.

Thanks for listening.