Yes, I'm still waiting.

I had a little heart-to-heart conversation with a friend about sex the other day.

What it means to me, what I expect from it, what it will change inside of me when I have it...

Because the twenty-eight-year-old virgin is still a thing.

Several friends, well-meaning as I assume them to be, have told me that 'getting it over with' is my best bet for a normal life. Because the idea of virginity is just some male construct that lets the world determine my value instead of me determining it for myself. Yes, there is an actual physical barrier that God (or the universe or whoever) created inside my body, but biology has nothing to do with my worth, so sex and virginity is really not a big deal, and I shouldn't treat it as such.

A few (very few) friends have told me that I'm amazing, and they wish they had waited because sex is confusing and makes that 'normal life' so much more complicated than it should be. Because since I'm older, I'm, supposedly, smarter, and I can make better choices for myself than I might have if I had decided to have sex in high school like so many of my friends did. And yes, there is the little awkward bit where I have to tell people "Sorry, I'm not into sex," but if someone only wants me for my body, then they're not worth it anyway, and I shouldn't give them the time of day.

When I was younger, I dreamed of a big white wedding, the dress, the cake, the whole shebang, and then the real shebang on my wedding night. I didn't necessarily mind if he had a little more experience than I did, but I was going to let the world know that he was my one and only, and that my body was a sacred temple that could only be accessed after the both of us took vows to love, honor, and worship at my temple and my temple only, all other gods forsaken. The night would be thrilling and awe-inspiring, and even a little nerve-wracking, but it was going to be the absolute first night of my sexual education and awakening, and it was going to be bliss.

I still want a nice wedding, of course --though I'm preferring blue to white these days, and I've cut my theoretical guest list from about one hundred and sixty to just twenty-- but I've come to the realization that having a 'one and only' is not the only path to happiness. If I get lucky, that's all fine and dandy, but if I find a guy who turns all my dials, I'm not going to let some old-fashioned notion, however ingrained into my person it is, stop me from letting go and having a little fun. I don't need a priest and a few signatures on paper to find my bliss, and if that bliss happens to come from more than one person, my temple will still be just as holy.

So yes, I'm still waiting.

I'm waiting for someone who makes me feel special.

I'm waiting for someone who cares enough to want me to feel special.

I'm waiting for the right mood, the right moment, the right look in his eyes that will tell me, "Yes, it's time."

But am I going to wait for an "I do" just because my mother tells me so?

Not a chance.

Because if I let it all happen to me instead of going out and making things happen myself, then I'll just be another passive-aggressive little girl who's afraid of the world, and who would want that kind of girl anyway?

Cheers.

Apologizing for the sake of apologizing

There have been a lot of weird little dramas in my life lately, some I deal with better than others, but the most recent frustration was over a few words that should have been said to someone's face...

Let's back up, shall we?

I have (had?) a friend that I absolutely adore...but she's proven time and again that she's not the kind of friend I want. I'm a forgiving sort, but there comes a point where you have to realize that even the people who say they have your back don't necessarily have it.

This particular realization came about when this friend decided to ignore me for an entire week...because she thought I was mad at her. What would I have to be mad at? I mean, yes, I get mad, but as I said, I'm a forgiving sort, so the mad really only stays for five minutes before it goes away and I just shake my head, roll my eyes and smile as we continue on our friendship adventure.

Except when she decided to ignore me, it was also when she broke things off with a lover who happens to be my very best friend, and so at first, I thought she had decided to break things off with both of us. And then, in trying to help my best friend through things, I learn that she wasn't as okay with our friendship as I thought, and there were certain things she had done that were absolutely uncalled for...

So I may have said some things, and decided, to hell with it.

And then she decides to talk to me again, and I call her out for ignoring me for a week, after which she says "I thought you were mad" --which, granted, by that time, I kind of was-- and we sort of make up.

But I'm not sure that I want to be her friend, and I say so to my best friend, and also how, even if I did, I don't know how to be her friend right now.

Because if someone says they want to cut you out of their life, then doesn't that mean they don't want to be your friend anyway?

And within a week, she's not talking to me again. A little more permanently this time, and I'm at a loss, until I hear that she knew what I had said.

So I understand why she's cut me off this time, and I am relieved to find I don't really care...except my best friend says I should apologize anyway.

"It doesn't have to be genuine, just do it."

And I hated him for just that little moment, because he cared more about her feelings than mine, even though the things I said were perfectly justified, and there was nothing but the truth in them.

Except.

I talked with my sister, my mother, a few other friends, and they all agreed that I had nothing to apologize for, that I would be validating her actions, and that if she didn't wallow in her hurt for long enough, she would never come to the realization that she was the one in the wrong, and her actions would never change, and she would remain that immature, hurtful little girl for the rest of her life...no one argued that point, and most even brought it up before I did.

Except if I want to be the kind of person I want to be, I really need to learn to say mean things to people's faces anyway instead of being so passive-agressive.

And my best friend keeps saying I should apologize anyway, and he asks on the daily, "Did you talk to her today?"

So I wrote a script.

And I was honest.

(To a point.)

And if the apology wasn't genuine, it at least sounded like it, and I added a note to flatter her at the end because God knows she'll tell him exactly what I said, and frankly, they're BOTH immature enough that a little sugar-coating will go a long way.

And if I was a little frustrated for the moment, I stopped being so after I realized that even though he wanted me to apologize to her, he didn't say we had to be friends again.

So I did it.

"So get off my back, woman!"

(Because saying "Get off my back, man!" just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

And I have learned the necessity of apologizing sometimes even when you don't mean it, because if you apologize, people shut up, and being left in peace is really what it's all about.

For an asocial little brat like me, anyway.

Cheers.

22 and counting...

So I realize it's been awhile since I've blogged, and I suppose I should apologize to the few avid readers that I may or may not have...

But sometimes life cannot be put down in words, and it just happens.

So let's move on, shall we?

My kid sister and I are having a sort of writing contest on the first of this next month, leading up to her surgery on the 23rd, and so we decided to give each other twenty-two different prompts to help distract from it, and just for kicks and giggles.

(Because we both love writing, whether sense or non)

In an attempt to find my own kicks and giggles in this moment, I've decided to compile a list of twenty-two (give or take) things in my life that make me smile.

(Because I really haven't been smiling lately, though that is neither here nor there)

So, here we go...

1. Pokemon

For Christmas, my best friend bought me a 3DS for Nintendo, and of course, the last time I had something of that nature was back when Pokemon only had three colors (think Red, Blue, and Yellow). So it made absolutely perfect sense for the first game that I bought for myself to be one of its derivatives: Alpha Sapphire. Though the game is simple, it is engaging, and I've enjoyed learning the new names and faces (because I'm really only familiar with the first one hundred and fifty), and though I lose a good percentage of battles with my friend, sometimes, just sometimes, I win.

2. Peppermint

Once upon a time, I impressed (or terrified?) my brother-in-law with how many candy canes I ingested over the holiday. So he bought me a peppermint stick about as big around as my fist. It took me awhile to finish the delicious monstrosity, but even then, my taste for peppermint has not waned, and you will find candy canes and peppermint sticks and the like in my cupboard year-round.

3. The perfect shade of lip gloss

So some people say that make-up is unnecessary, others a necessary evil. I'm often in the middle on that topic. That being said, there's something about finding the right color that just makes everything better. Lately I've been favoring a bright fuchsia, but I also have this deep red that makes me look fierce and in control...and I love it.

4. A fresh notebook

There's just something about opening a clean notebook that frees the mind and the words come and I find I've written something out-of-this-world fantastic...or possibly deranged. But the thrill in incomparable, and if I perhaps have a few too many notebooks waiting to be filled, who could blame me?

5. Grand Theft Christmas

Three years ago, while practicing for the annual Lessons and Carols concert at the church we were to perform at, I stole an ornament from the tree. While I may have committed one of the highest forms of blasphemy (I'll let St Peter and his crew decide), the weird thrill was addicting. I have a box full of random ornaments, from friends, relatives, schools, doctors' offices...perhaps this case of kleptomania isn't something I should be proud of, but it's one of the few things that makes me feel like anything but the sweet, angelic, boring good girl I was raised to be.

(Mother, you may keep your opinions to yourself, thank you)

6. Rubber ducks

While I may not have a bathtub to play with them in, my collection of rubber ducks do quite well on the dry land that is my TV stand. I haven't given them names yet, but they have their own individual personalities and dramas amongst them --including a love triangle with a pair of twin brothers and girl who's sister is in love with another girl.

7. Lilo and Stitch

"Pudge controls the weather."

Need I say more?

8. Guitar Hero

So though I enjoy the real thing, I will probably never be a great guitarist. Turn on the video game, however, and I can rock the entire world (on the Medium difficulty, at least; we're still working on the higher ones). Who doesn't love a little instant fame now and then?

9. My penguin onesie

Don't ever let anyone tell you you're too old for one-piece pajamas. Especially ones with penguins wearing neon pink bow ties. And that have a hood. The only thing that would make it better is if it had pockets. And maybe feet. But mostly it's perfect.

(Perhaps more so than my Superman onesie)

10. Ballgowns

I only have two as of yet; the rest of my dresses range from sun to red carpet, but the full ballgowns are hands-down my favorite. Whether I choose the dark blue or the spring green, I don't even need a tiara to feel like a princess.

(Though I have a few of those, too, if I wanted to accessorize)

11. Polka dots

Nothing against stripes or zigzags, but polka dots are probably my favorite thing. Is it whimsy, a childhood nostalgia? Or perhaps just another little oddity about Emma. But if you're wearing a polka dot shirt or dress or even a headband, you're probably guaranteed to be my favorite person...for a moment, at least.

12. Mermaids

I'm afraid of water. Like deathly. If I can't see the bottom, I don't want to go in, and even if I can, you can almost guarantee a panic attack if my feet can't touch the bottom. I dream almost nightly about drowning, trying to breath underwater, but I always run out of air, and no one saves me.

Perhaps that's why I like mermaids so much...not only are they beautiful and mysterious (which yes, I am, too, but in different ways), but they're powerful too, fast in and above water, and a wave only pushes them on, not under --or at least not unless they want to go under. They are completely at ease in their most natural element, and a lack of air is never an issue. I suppose you could say I envy them.

13. Books

Books, books, and more books. If I had Belle's library, I would probably have a heart attack  --from joy, of course. I used to get dozens upon dozens of books from the local library, because I wanted to read anything and everything I could get my hands on. Sadly, I don't have the time to do the same these days, but if I can sit down for a moment with an old favorite, you had better believe I'm in heaven.

14. Mickey D's

Some might say my love of Happy Meals is only because of my love of childish things --I may be buying kids' meals at the moment because of a certain pony cartoon being featured in their toys-- but when they put chicken nuggets together with my favorite green apples, there's no way I could say no. And if I'm not into whatever toys might be on the list, a large fries and a McDouble go a long way toward not only keeping my belly full, but keeping my mood full (read:high) as well.

15. Drawing hearts over the i's.

Childish? Perhaps. Romantic? Certainly. Necessary to keep calm when the world is falling apart around me? Absolutely.

16. Violin

So I suck at violin. I'm basically a first-year student playing it, and even then, I'm probably worse than some four- or five-year-olds who are supposedly at the same level. But just the simple act of practicing is calming, and the sound is probably one of my favorites in music, and if I can't play something myself, I've got a pretty decent YouTube playlist that will help me feel the music anyway.

17. Pilates

I am not the most active person. I used to run in middle and high school --a good portion of it running from older brothers who despised my existence-- and I have a passing fascination with soccer, but I'm not really athletic. Pilates, though, while definitely an effective work-out, is not something I have to be athletic to participate in. I can still suck at kicking a goal or running a mile in under six minutes, and yet I still feel strong, I still have stamina, and I can take pride in my body, even when modern fashion sometimes make me feel inadequate.

18. The fire nation tattoo over my pelvic bone

I have nine tattoos. And I love them all. Some of them I perhaps would have done something different, changed the angle, the placement, the size, the style of script...but every time I think I hate them, I find something new to love about them. My favorite, however, is the one that is based on a symbol from the show Avatar: The Last Airbender.

If you believe in that sort of thing, I'm technically an earth sign. I like material things, I have a sense of practicality about me, and I'm cautious. However, my enthusiasm is much more fire-based than earth, and after looking up some fan-art on the series, I knew that I had to have fire on my body. And though it burned like fire when I got it --this was actually the most painful ink I've gotten thus far-- every time I see it I can't help but grin.

Because this girl is on fire.

19. My PlayStation(s)

I have a PlayStation 2...and 3...and 4. (I also have a Super Nintendo and an XBox One, but I digress.) And though I'm not the most adept at modern games --most of them still give me headaches and make me sick to my stomach with all those new-fangled graphic designs-- there is a release of sorts whenever I play. I don't play to win (and I get called out on that regularly), but I play anyway, and I have fun, and I can just escape from reality for awhile, and even if I die, I'm still having a good time.

20. The Walking Dead

I am a scaredy cat. Like the biggest wimp ever. I'm more than mildly afraid of the dark, and I have nightmares every night on even the most benign of subjects, and I only sing really loud when I'm walking at night because I'm hoping that my obnoxiousness will scare all the crazier (yes, I admit it) people away.

But this show? Is golden. And yes, if I'm by myself I might stop it two or three times an episode and it'll take me all week to watch it. But the drama, the characterization, the chemistry between characters, all of it. Is addictive. And lovely. And I'm looking very much forward to tonight's episode.

(After I finish watching last week's)

21. Mixing cherries into an Oreo Blizzard

I did it on a whim the first time, but this is probably my favorite food creation of all time...well, that, or the vodka ice cream float.

(Most of my favorite creations involve ice cream)

22. A good bass line

Anyone can write a funky guitar riff or a piano solo...but giving letting the bassist take the spot light? There's nothing more hardcore and amazing in the entire musical world.

And if you want me to join your band and expect me to play the keyboard, you have got another think coming, my friend.

I suppose it's rather telling that coming up with all of those was more difficult than I thought it would be. Except it got easier as it went on, so maybe it's all about mood?

And now that I have my list, here's to more smiles, more laughs, more light, and more good moods.

Cheers.