Having been blasted out of my own little world...

I'd like to apologize for thinking it's all about me.

While I was dating James, I kind of lost touch with the outside world, friends and family alike.
Now that I've found time, I just caught up on blogs, from my sister, my brother-in-law, my cousin Beth, and I'll have to find time for the rest of my friends as well.
But reading all these, hearing about their worries and hardtimes, and triumphs, too, it's not all bad, made me realize just how selfish I've been.
And it makes me feel bad dumping all my sadness and depression on you all.
Not to say I'll stop, because I think we all need an outlet for all of our junk.
But it's sort of given me another outlook, and I'm thinking, "Hey, it's not all bad, there's more to life than this, and if you think you've got it bad, don't worry, someone else has it worse." And so, though I'm sure I'll have more freakouts, more breakdowns, more "Can this girl sound any more suicidal?" blogs (not that I am, but sometimes...), I'll try to be more upbeat about it, find the bright in the darkness, and learn to laugh a little more, so maybe I can share, and make you laugh, make you smile instead of asking you to put so much effort into doing the same for me.

Thanks for putting up with me.
I love you all,
Emma

Theory of a Dead Man says "I Hate My Life"

I'm not quite to that point. :)

Do you ever hear music that totally makes your day...but then makes you want to bawl your eyes out?
I've got a couple of those songs goin' right now...

"At Least We Made It This Far" by Relient K
"Fine" by Jaymes Reunion
"God In This Moment" by Gavin Mikhail
"Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell -- think "Twilight" soundtrack
"Tell Me Baby" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

And, of course, several others but I don't know all there names or have the inclination to find out at this point...


So, I hit a bit of a low point this morning.
I had some dreams, I call them nightmares, but it's only a nightmare that I wake up from the confusion and chaos I sleep with. Which is rather awkward, considering that it's not the recent ex I dreamed about but the first...though the recent was there early on, but for some reason about midway through the dreaming process I switched...but I'm thinking, the reason I preferred the switch over not is that thinking of one is less painful than thinking of the other. Not that I relish the confusion, exactly, but it's easier to handle than waking up in pain, jolted from a faded fantasy, trying not to cry because I don't want to wake anyone up when I inadvertently turn up the volume.
Anyway, so I wrote a poem, then, on my MySpace blog...it's actually quite good, if you get past the whole depression thing, haha...and I was going to make you look for it, but I think I'll be kind and put it right here, if you'll wait just a moment...


[31 Dec 2008 Wednesday]

Just enough to make me wonder...
Current mood: AbMis*

I find it hard to sit
Alone in life's exhibit
The tears pour down
And all around
And I can't wonder why
Is this what it is to die
But I shake it all off
Hide those thoughts in the loft
Of my oh-so-weary mind
That's been cruel to and unkind
For the dreams can't seem to stop
Am I on bottom or on top?
And the funny thing, I know
Is that this entire show
Isn't necessarily about HIM
But rather some silly whim
Of what I'd like to do
To be, to see, and with whom?
And the situation complicates
Making me want to break plates
For it's you and me and they
Can't decide to go or stay
Do you want to play with me?
Or leave me feeling empty
Like a bottle by my bed
I'll stop my aching head
And throw it all out
Even if it makes me shout
Because somehow it seemed
That a single small dream
That could rip me all apart
With one drink didn't start
But just my imagination
The train stops at my station
And it's all even worse
Could my life be cursed?
The sights, the sounds
They're all around
I see his face
In every place
And I get confused
I'm feeling used
This fatal attraction
Might be my last action
But no that's not all
Stories jump out of walls
For there are others as well
And they make time to tell
My dreams what's what
I wish I could shut
Them all off from me
Please just let me be
Get out, GET OUT!
I don't care what you're about!
Just leave me alone!
(I want to go home)
But I sigh because I can't
And it doesn't help to rant
So I'll grab a pen
And maybe then...
But nothing that I write
Seems to leave me whole, not quite
And I wish the silence kept
Before my agile mind leapt
To the only thing that matters
My heart is all in tatters
But my ever-searching mind
Will not stop trying to find
A word that may describe
What's going on inside
Just enough to make me wonder
Would it be better to just go under
Would anybody care?
Would they all sit back and stare?
As if it were a great show?
I think I'd better go...
Before I fall into despair
Oh wait, I'm already there
It is what is is...

I'm feeling 'AbMis.'

*Absolutely Miserable

[9:35 AM]


That's actually a second draft as I lost the first one when I hit a wrong button...go figure...and I almost decided not to write anything...but that made me want to cry more, so...
Feel free to pity me.
God knows I do myself, pathetic as that may be...
But I'm trying.
And I'm sure I'll be fine...


One more song...

"So What" by Pink

On the Road Again...

Happy Holidays to you all...

It's been a busy month...
(Retail sucks!)
(Dry-cleaning sucks!)
(Waitressing sucks!)
Okay, so the first, just cuz I had to stay until four in the morning a few nights to clean up...
The second because it seemed slow until the last half hour when it got super busy and I got out late...
The third because people aren't eating out during the holidays in order to buy presents and such...
But, actually, I love all my jobs, so, well, who cares?
...plus I happen to be lucky enough that I had Christmas off in all three areas...

...that, and they like me enough to let me take a month off...

So I drove down to Nebraska, all by myself, barely getting lost, making GREAT time (eight hours vs. ten), plus I left earlier due to some...complications...n I arrived just after four am this morning.
Ouch.
But I had great music the whole way, n I didn't go off road more than once (!), and after the first two or so hours, I didn't have any issues, no freak-outs, no crying fits, nothing.
A good drive, actually.
And, I figured out why I almost ran out of gas last year when I came down here...
Apparently I didn't stop for gas in Omaha but kept going on to Milligan...
Sometimes I'm such a dummy. =)

I'll be here for about a month, helping out and all, making things easier for Jess n taking care of Liberty and all...I'm totally psyched for the whole thing, actually, and I can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew (for those of you who don't know, despite the fact we're thinkin 'boy,' the nurses actually couldn't tell, one thought 'girl,' the other thought 'boy,' etc.). It's nice to be here for the main event, unlike last time where I didn't mean Berti until Christmas.

Speakin of Berti, it looks like I need to get her cleaned up (think cheesy popcorn!), so I'll end now, but I plan on keepin up with this a lot more, so I'll ttyl...

Something Like Crazy...

"I'm not your princess
This ain't a fairy-tale..."

Taylor Swift says it so well...

James broke my heart last night.
He sounded so calm and cool while he did so.
Very straight-faced, as well.
And after I thought about it, very logical, too...

Basically, what it amounts to is that there are things I want to do that he's not ready for, and he doesn't think I should have to wait for him to grow up, so...
We're done.

I didn't have the chance to tell him that I'd realized as much as I wanted to settle down and all that jazz, I wasn't ready to be a Mom. I like the title more than the responsibility. And I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I've decided to go back to school, and get some sort of a degree...

But, as frazzled as I was at that point, I couldn't quite explain that to him, and let him know we had a couple years so waiting for him to grow up would be no hardship, and he just sat there, staring at me, calm and cool and...well, suffice to say, I realized his mind was already made up.

So I tried to contain my tears, mostly succeeded, and gave him a hug goodbye...
And hit him, too, for kissing me when he said hello just a little before.
Not that he felt it.

So...
We're done, it looks like.
He said we might get back together, he was leaving that option open...
But even that didn't stop me from nearly screaming with the pain of it as I cried after he left.

Mom tried to be sympathetic, but she's been telling me how he's not right for me, so I think she's a little smug, too...plus she wasn't too enthusiastic about me crawling into bed with her at one in the morning so I'd stop crying...but, as she said, I am twenty-one, so maybe I'm a bit old for that...

Still can't believe it hurts this much, when we were together for less than 1/4 the time Bryant and I were...and it's kind of funny, too, though, cuz, in my head, before I tell people what happened, I have to remember, "James broke up with me, not Bryant." Cuz I never thought he would I guess...

Everyone tells me I'm young yet, but I've never felt older...

Hope everyone else is doing well...