I'm not quite to that point. :)
Do you ever hear music that totally makes your day...but then makes you want to bawl your eyes out?
I've got a couple of those songs goin' right now...
"At Least We Made It This Far" by Relient K
"Fine" by Jaymes Reunion
"God In This Moment" by Gavin Mikhail
"Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell -- think "Twilight" soundtrack
"Tell Me Baby" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
And, of course, several others but I don't know all there names or have the inclination to find out at this point...
So, I hit a bit of a low point this morning.
I had some dreams, I call them nightmares, but it's only a nightmare that I wake up from the confusion and chaos I sleep with. Which is rather awkward, considering that it's not the recent ex I dreamed about but the first...though the recent was there early on, but for some reason about midway through the dreaming process I switched...but I'm thinking, the reason I preferred the switch over not is that thinking of one is less painful than thinking of the other. Not that I relish the confusion, exactly, but it's easier to handle than waking up in pain, jolted from a faded fantasy, trying not to cry because I don't want to wake anyone up when I inadvertently turn up the volume.
Anyway, so I wrote a poem, then, on my MySpace blog...it's actually quite good, if you get past the whole depression thing, haha...and I was going to make you look for it, but I think I'll be kind and put it right here, if you'll wait just a moment...
[31 Dec 2008 Wednesday]
Just enough to make me wonder...
Current mood: AbMis*
I find it hard to sit
Alone in life's exhibit
The tears pour down
And all around
And I can't wonder why
Is this what it is to die
But I shake it all off
Hide those thoughts in the loft
Of my oh-so-weary mind
That's been cruel to and unkind
For the dreams can't seem to stop
Am I on bottom or on top?
And the funny thing, I know
Is that this entire show
Isn't necessarily about HIM
But rather some silly whim
Of what I'd like to do
To be, to see, and with whom?
And the situation complicates
Making me want to break plates
For it's you and me and they
Can't decide to go or stay
Do you want to play with me?
Or leave me feeling empty
Like a bottle by my bed
I'll stop my aching head
And throw it all out
Even if it makes me shout
Because somehow it seemed
That a single small dream
That could rip me all apart
With one drink didn't start
But just my imagination
The train stops at my station
And it's all even worse
Could my life be cursed?
The sights, the sounds
They're all around
I see his face
In every place
And I get confused
I'm feeling used
This fatal attraction
Might be my last action
But no that's not all
Stories jump out of walls
For there are others as well
And they make time to tell
My dreams what's what
I wish I could shut
Them all off from me
Please just let me be
Get out, GET OUT!
I don't care what you're about!
Just leave me alone!
(I want to go home)
But I sigh because I can't
And it doesn't help to rant
So I'll grab a pen
And maybe then...
But nothing that I write
Seems to leave me whole, not quite
And I wish the silence kept
Before my agile mind leapt
To the only thing that matters
My heart is all in tatters
But my ever-searching mind
Will not stop trying to find
A word that may describe
What's going on inside
Just enough to make me wonder
Would it be better to just go under
Would anybody care?
Would they all sit back and stare?
As if it were a great show?
I think I'd better go...
Before I fall into despair
Oh wait, I'm already there
It is what is is...
I'm feeling 'AbMis.'
*Absolutely Miserable
[9:35 AM]
That's actually a second draft as I lost the first one when I hit a wrong button...go figure...and I almost decided not to write anything...but that made me want to cry more, so...
Feel free to pity me.
God knows I do myself, pathetic as that may be...
But I'm trying.
And I'm sure I'll be fine...
One more song...
"So What" by Pink
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