Yes, I'm still waiting.

I had a little heart-to-heart conversation with a friend about sex the other day.

What it means to me, what I expect from it, what it will change inside of me when I have it...

Because the twenty-eight-year-old virgin is still a thing.

Several friends, well-meaning as I assume them to be, have told me that 'getting it over with' is my best bet for a normal life. Because the idea of virginity is just some male construct that lets the world determine my value instead of me determining it for myself. Yes, there is an actual physical barrier that God (or the universe or whoever) created inside my body, but biology has nothing to do with my worth, so sex and virginity is really not a big deal, and I shouldn't treat it as such.

A few (very few) friends have told me that I'm amazing, and they wish they had waited because sex is confusing and makes that 'normal life' so much more complicated than it should be. Because since I'm older, I'm, supposedly, smarter, and I can make better choices for myself than I might have if I had decided to have sex in high school like so many of my friends did. And yes, there is the little awkward bit where I have to tell people "Sorry, I'm not into sex," but if someone only wants me for my body, then they're not worth it anyway, and I shouldn't give them the time of day.

When I was younger, I dreamed of a big white wedding, the dress, the cake, the whole shebang, and then the real shebang on my wedding night. I didn't necessarily mind if he had a little more experience than I did, but I was going to let the world know that he was my one and only, and that my body was a sacred temple that could only be accessed after the both of us took vows to love, honor, and worship at my temple and my temple only, all other gods forsaken. The night would be thrilling and awe-inspiring, and even a little nerve-wracking, but it was going to be the absolute first night of my sexual education and awakening, and it was going to be bliss.

I still want a nice wedding, of course --though I'm preferring blue to white these days, and I've cut my theoretical guest list from about one hundred and sixty to just twenty-- but I've come to the realization that having a 'one and only' is not the only path to happiness. If I get lucky, that's all fine and dandy, but if I find a guy who turns all my dials, I'm not going to let some old-fashioned notion, however ingrained into my person it is, stop me from letting go and having a little fun. I don't need a priest and a few signatures on paper to find my bliss, and if that bliss happens to come from more than one person, my temple will still be just as holy.

So yes, I'm still waiting.

I'm waiting for someone who makes me feel special.

I'm waiting for someone who cares enough to want me to feel special.

I'm waiting for the right mood, the right moment, the right look in his eyes that will tell me, "Yes, it's time."

But am I going to wait for an "I do" just because my mother tells me so?

Not a chance.

Because if I let it all happen to me instead of going out and making things happen myself, then I'll just be another passive-aggressive little girl who's afraid of the world, and who would want that kind of girl anyway?

Cheers.