"Be grateful, Anya."

I remember this line from one of my favorite movies, Anastasia (who totally kicks the Disney princesses' butts, with maybe the exception of Mulan or Merida), and it's been popping in my head quite a bit these last few days...

Not because I'm not grateful, but because I'm kind of frustrated about what I'm supposed to be grateful for.

I'm supposed to be grateful for my friends.
Which, okay, I am.
I'm grateful to one for inviting me to dinner when my plans changed.  I'm more grateful that she let me say no.
I'm grateful to one for not yelling at me when those plans changed.  (I'm maybe not so grateful that she told me to get over my anxiety complex, but I understand why she said such a thing.)
I'm grateful to one for taking me shopping so I can buy everything I need for a solo holiday.
I'm grateful to one for letting me hang out the evening before the holiday without any pressure to actually talk.
I'm grateful to many for sending me holiday greetings without minding if they got a reply.
So I am grateful for my friends.  But I'm relieved I didn't have to deal with them too much this holiday.

I'm supposed to be grateful for my family.
I'm grateful that my Mom answers the phone every time I call...or has her 'answering service' answer and run the phone to her, haha.
I'm grateful that some of my sisters answer the phone every time.  I'm not exactly upset that the others don't --hey, we all have lives, right?-- though I miss them.  But I'm grateful for them anyway.
I'm grateful that my brothers are so responsible and awesome...and I'm a little jealous that they seem so focused when I'm not so much.
And I suppose I'm grateful that my Dad can confide in me...even if another pseudo-suicide note was not how I wanted to wake up to Thanksgiving.
Though I don't know how being grateful makes a difference when I don't see them ever.

I'm supposed to be grateful for my health.
I'm grateful that I haven't had another seizure after that insanity in August.  I'm grateful to the paramedics and doctors and nurses that helped me feel better and calmed me down when I thought I was going to have a panic attack.  I'm not so grateful for the several-thousand-dollar bill.
I'm grateful that the sports medic on campus was able to advise me on my wrist.  I'm less grateful that I'm going to have to go to a doctor anyway because it just won't stop hurting.
I'm grateful for the good food I've been able to add to my diet.  I'm even grateful for the extra effort it takes, because working hard makes me feel responsible and productive.  I'm less grateful for the less-thrifty shopping I have to do to eat healthy.
And okay, I suppose I'm grateful that I'm not dying like so many other people around the world...but I'm a selfish person, so I'm still going to complain about it.

I'm supposed to be grateful for my living arrangements.
And actually, I am.
I saw a man sleeping in a store entryway a few nights back, and I couldn't imagine how cold it was, or how long it must have taken him to fall asleep...or if perhaps he's used to it, so he can do it quickly, which is almost worse.
So I have no complaints in this area.
(In fact, if I could stay in this place forever...I would...but well, I guess I'll worry about moving next year.)

"Be grateful, Anya."
I guess I am.
But after a lot of nagging to go places for dinner when all I wanted was a grilled cheese sandwich, and finding out that I can't practice piano because everybody who might unlock the music hall is on holiday, I'm just grateful that I can be alone, and not have to worry about putting on that damned cheerleader facade I've spent a lifetime cultivating.
It's so exhausting not being a hermit.

And though this has been kind of a downer of a note, I am grateful for all of you reading this.

So Happy Thanksgiving.
Hope you're all surviving the Black Friday Madness.

I'm going to go bake something.

Cheers.