Monday, May 2, 2011
The joys of college life...
I live on slap-dash sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies.
I listen to music I don't like until the piano beckons me to real music.
I write papers for ones other than myself and fall in love with a book I wasn't assigned.
I run down the path in high heels, dressed to kill, and playing to die.
I fall in love...and realize it was just a dream.
Lonely in Gorgeous with a Red Scarf
Welcome to the world of my dreams, folks.
I hope my fellow college students are enjoying their year-end (or semester-end anyway) exams.
And I hope the rest of you take pity and send me something pretty to distract me from the monotony of life.
Love to you all...
I listen to music I don't like until the piano beckons me to real music.
I write papers for ones other than myself and fall in love with a book I wasn't assigned.
I run down the path in high heels, dressed to kill, and playing to die.
I fall in love...and realize it was just a dream.
Lonely in Gorgeous with a Red Scarf
Welcome to the world of my dreams, folks.
I hope my fellow college students are enjoying their year-end (or semester-end anyway) exams.
And I hope the rest of you take pity and send me something pretty to distract me from the monotony of life.
Love to you all...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Final Countdown...
It's Dead Week.
Why do they call it that?
Do they expect our demise before the week is over?
Or maybe they're just letting us know that you don't make a lot of progress in the next week, you're just repeating everything you've learned before. You are dead in the water, so to speak.
Hmmm...
Well, it's nice to finally be here anyway...
There's so much going on this week.
Firstly, we are done with Soliloquy.
What is Soliloquy, you ask?
Why, it's what I've been wasting my time on all semester...
Ahem.
Soliloquy is RMC's literary arts journal, full of student writings and artwork, and just one of the many great things they have here at Rocky...
Okay, no, I can't go on in PR mode...
But it's fun, it's funky, I have three...or four...or something pieces in it, and tomorrow we are giving our 'Voices' presentation, where artwork is on display, and the students selected for publishing have the chance to read their pieces to the masses, and guess who is playing piano for the event?
Yep, it's that guy right over there...no, wait, that's me.
My first concert.
Sort of.
If you don't count a few talent show things here and there.
Break a leg?
But don't wish me luck, because Luck is derived from Lucifer, hence luck, good or bad, is from the devil, etc, etc, etc...
Pour out blessings instead, please!!
It's almost time for our juries in the music program.
Basically we will play our instruments in front of the faculty, and they critique our progress and knowledge and we either bump up a level or stay where we are for another semester...
I'm playing four pieces on the piano, and I'm pretty awesome, but I know I'll freak out on stage anyway.
And then I'm singing one piece as well, and that's only slightly less awesome, but the same thing goes...
Again, break a leg.
I've practiced my pieces so much over these last weeks, and I can't believe how much time I spent in the practice rooms...maybe I should keep this attitude up, hmm?
Super excited, though, and I can't wait to see what I can do after this...
I'm done with public speaking.
Period.
Er...
Well, sort of.
I still have to take a small groups communications class this summer, but I get the feeling that's a bit different than the singular speaking I've been doing, so I'm almost looking forward to it...and dreading it at the same time.
Why is it so easy to play something as outrageous as a hooker on stage, but I can't get up in front of the class and speak on music education without almost passing out?
Lord help me...
One more project in English, and I finally have it figured out, so I'm gonna rock the house on Thursday...or the classroom, anyway. And then a final, and yay, done...
I love English?
I love writing?
I love grammar?
I love spelling?
And I am so glad to be finally done with this class...
I'm tentatively planning a writing minor, but if I don't, I only have one more English class to take after this, and I'll be done...
YES!!!
Somehow it's just not fun when it's required...why is that?
I have finalized the application for a summer job here on campus in the music department...
Can you say Awesome??
You can?
Well say it about fifty times more and you'll get a taste of how I feel about this job...
It's nothing too dramatic, it's actually library work for the choir stuff, and it won't be THAT MUCH, but a job is a job, and if there are musical notations involved, I'm all for it...
So, Dr Hart, when do we start?
Lots of fun...
So hope you all had a happy Easter.
I played bells in a choir, and sang as well, at a Presbyterian church.
Nothing wrong with that, though I wish it was the church back home...
But it was very lovely, and I had fun doing it, and I've been invited to join the choir for all other events and such as well...maybe, we'll see...
Afterwards, I went out with some very nice people for lunch, and ice cream, and it was good to finally eat something...
I'm not starving, I'm just hungry.
I don't mind that I keep losing six pounds when I run out of food.
I don't mind that I have no energy, because all I do is play piano, and how much energy does that take?
No, scratch that, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, and the last few weeks, I've almost fallen asleep in front of the piano...
But it's all good.
And food it just kind of annoying, and takes so much effort and time and...
I feel like I'm falling into an eating disorder haha...
Whatever, I'm alive.
If I'm really hungry, I'll let you know.
Mom sent me money which is going straight to textbooks...I still have a can of soup left and some oatmeal and jello, Mom, so don't worry about me!!
And I'm super excited for my summer classes, by the way, so yay...
Oh, did I mention I'm going to get some choir pieces to work on over the summer?
Rad-tastic...
Wow that's lame lol...
I'll have a lot more time this summer, so hopefully I can get things figured out...
Any extra money I make this summer is going to a California trip...
Which makes me think of the song 'Route 66' that we're singing for graduation...
That should be awesome.
Maybe.
I wanna go and I don't want to.
I'd rather...
Nah, never mind, it's not happening...
But, well, actually, if I don't go to Cali, I'll be saving for a new computer because my laptop got a bad cold and may not recover...according to my computer-science friend it's a tough one, and takes more than he has at his command...we'll see, we'll see...
On that note, I'm using school computers all summer.
And I'm not writing any fiction pieces because they're all locked away now.
And I'm not watching any movies or anime at all, ditto on the locks...
Sigh.
Hopefully this just means I'll spend more time outside.
And I'll get my work done faster because I'll have less distractions.
Hopefully.
Um...
I feel out of touch right now, and out of ideas and thoughts...
I'm so tired it's not funny, but guess who's staying up late writing papers and playing piano?
Yeah, that'd be this dummy right here...
Don't you just love how crazy I am?
Guess I'll leave off then, I'm gonna buy my textbooks now...
Love you all, have a great week!!
~ ♥~ ♥~ ♥~
Why do they call it that?
Do they expect our demise before the week is over?
Or maybe they're just letting us know that you don't make a lot of progress in the next week, you're just repeating everything you've learned before. You are dead in the water, so to speak.
Hmmm...
Well, it's nice to finally be here anyway...
There's so much going on this week.
Firstly, we are done with Soliloquy.
What is Soliloquy, you ask?
Why, it's what I've been wasting my time on all semester...
Ahem.
Soliloquy is RMC's literary arts journal, full of student writings and artwork, and just one of the many great things they have here at Rocky...
Okay, no, I can't go on in PR mode...
But it's fun, it's funky, I have three...or four...or something pieces in it, and tomorrow we are giving our 'Voices' presentation, where artwork is on display, and the students selected for publishing have the chance to read their pieces to the masses, and guess who is playing piano for the event?
Yep, it's that guy right over there...no, wait, that's me.
My first concert.
Sort of.
If you don't count a few talent show things here and there.
Break a leg?
But don't wish me luck, because Luck is derived from Lucifer, hence luck, good or bad, is from the devil, etc, etc, etc...
Pour out blessings instead, please!!
It's almost time for our juries in the music program.
Basically we will play our instruments in front of the faculty, and they critique our progress and knowledge and we either bump up a level or stay where we are for another semester...
I'm playing four pieces on the piano, and I'm pretty awesome, but I know I'll freak out on stage anyway.
And then I'm singing one piece as well, and that's only slightly less awesome, but the same thing goes...
Again, break a leg.
I've practiced my pieces so much over these last weeks, and I can't believe how much time I spent in the practice rooms...maybe I should keep this attitude up, hmm?
Super excited, though, and I can't wait to see what I can do after this...
I'm done with public speaking.
Period.
Er...
Well, sort of.
I still have to take a small groups communications class this summer, but I get the feeling that's a bit different than the singular speaking I've been doing, so I'm almost looking forward to it...and dreading it at the same time.
Why is it so easy to play something as outrageous as a hooker on stage, but I can't get up in front of the class and speak on music education without almost passing out?
Lord help me...
One more project in English, and I finally have it figured out, so I'm gonna rock the house on Thursday...or the classroom, anyway. And then a final, and yay, done...
I love English?
I love writing?
I love grammar?
I love spelling?
And I am so glad to be finally done with this class...
I'm tentatively planning a writing minor, but if I don't, I only have one more English class to take after this, and I'll be done...
YES!!!
Somehow it's just not fun when it's required...why is that?
I have finalized the application for a summer job here on campus in the music department...
Can you say Awesome??
You can?
Well say it about fifty times more and you'll get a taste of how I feel about this job...
It's nothing too dramatic, it's actually library work for the choir stuff, and it won't be THAT MUCH, but a job is a job, and if there are musical notations involved, I'm all for it...
So, Dr Hart, when do we start?
Lots of fun...
So hope you all had a happy Easter.
I played bells in a choir, and sang as well, at a Presbyterian church.
Nothing wrong with that, though I wish it was the church back home...
But it was very lovely, and I had fun doing it, and I've been invited to join the choir for all other events and such as well...maybe, we'll see...
Afterwards, I went out with some very nice people for lunch, and ice cream, and it was good to finally eat something...
I'm not starving, I'm just hungry.
I don't mind that I keep losing six pounds when I run out of food.
I don't mind that I have no energy, because all I do is play piano, and how much energy does that take?
No, scratch that, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, and the last few weeks, I've almost fallen asleep in front of the piano...
But it's all good.
And food it just kind of annoying, and takes so much effort and time and...
I feel like I'm falling into an eating disorder haha...
Whatever, I'm alive.
If I'm really hungry, I'll let you know.
Mom sent me money which is going straight to textbooks...I still have a can of soup left and some oatmeal and jello, Mom, so don't worry about me!!
And I'm super excited for my summer classes, by the way, so yay...
Oh, did I mention I'm going to get some choir pieces to work on over the summer?
Rad-tastic...
Wow that's lame lol...
I'll have a lot more time this summer, so hopefully I can get things figured out...
Any extra money I make this summer is going to a California trip...
Which makes me think of the song 'Route 66' that we're singing for graduation...
That should be awesome.
Maybe.
I wanna go and I don't want to.
I'd rather...
Nah, never mind, it's not happening...
But, well, actually, if I don't go to Cali, I'll be saving for a new computer because my laptop got a bad cold and may not recover...according to my computer-science friend it's a tough one, and takes more than he has at his command...we'll see, we'll see...
On that note, I'm using school computers all summer.
And I'm not writing any fiction pieces because they're all locked away now.
And I'm not watching any movies or anime at all, ditto on the locks...
Sigh.
Hopefully this just means I'll spend more time outside.
And I'll get my work done faster because I'll have less distractions.
Hopefully.
Um...
I feel out of touch right now, and out of ideas and thoughts...
I'm so tired it's not funny, but guess who's staying up late writing papers and playing piano?
Yeah, that'd be this dummy right here...
Don't you just love how crazy I am?
Guess I'll leave off then, I'm gonna buy my textbooks now...
Love you all, have a great week!!
~ ♥~ ♥~ ♥~
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
April Snowfall brings...
Pretty pictures!!!
Thanks to my theory professor for the photo...if he happens to wonder. :)
But it was kind of shocking to step outside and see all that white...which is in a constant state of melting and freezing, and this makes it the perfect consistency for one thing...snowball fights!!
Of course I didn't indulge in an all-out battle, no. I'm more the spy behind enemy lines, and when I saw my chance, I took it...and apparently scared the kids in the choir room with my beautiful aim at their window.
Mission: Success.
On another note, we're starting to wind down here at RMC...
Next week is 'Dead Week' - rather aptyl named, isn't it? - followed by the dreaded Finals...and then summer break, yeah!! Except wait, no, not for me, I'm taking some general courses over the summer term so I can focus on my music for the main one. Smart, yes, but wow, I feel a tad over-worked...it's okay, I'm good, I'm great, I can handle anything...I hope.
So summer doesn't actually start for me until July, and then things get interesting...
But that's for another time.
Hope you're all having a wonderful day, be it snowy or sunny, and I'll talk to you all again soon!!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Foiled by a watch...
I am looking for this watch...I've spent about an hour searching through sites, looking up 'GOTO' watches, and I get nothing...nada...zip...and then I stumble upon some Taiwanese pop artist that is apparently endorsed by the makers of this watch...but there's no link to the site...foiled again. If anyone knows where I can find this watch, please, let me know!!
On another note...
It would appear our house is being bought by some of our best friends from church.
Which means I can visit anytime I want, because they love me!!
Of course, I know, it won't be the same house exactly, but it's nice...
And rather than worry about not going home again, Mom and I are discussing plans for traveling abroad to see family...and it's family that makes it home, right?
Right...
Though I still wish I could go home, at least to pack up things, or rather figure out what should NOT be packed and throw it out, so Mom n Dad don't have to deal with so much of my stuff...
Oh, well, I guess they're fine without me.
South Carolina, here we come...er...here they come...
So since I don't have much of a family out here, I've made one with this group: Billings Catholic Campus Ministries. The leader of the group, Mary (not pictured because she's taking the photo!) is a really great girl, and she and this group have become a bit of a home-base for me, at least faith-wise.
And no, I'm not Catholic, nor am I converting, but I have to say, I've never met a Catholic I didn't like, and they're always more God-focused than other Christians I meet...sad, but true. Maybe it's all the rules, the rituals, the 'I have to attend church every Sunday plus Saint days or I'm going to hell...' mindset (though maybe they've laxed on that rule in the last few centuries?), but since they're so involved in church, they live their faith so much more openly then others, and there's a real sense of community, and family...
And they'll even take in a messed-up, funky kid like me.
Thank you, Mary, for the long talks, the pizza, the coffee, and setting up events like 'Theology on Tap' and 'An Evening with the Bishop;' they really help me to stay focused, and I love being apart of this ministry!!
On a not-so-God-filled note...
I played a hooker in the RMC Theatre production of Neil Simon's "California Suite."
I was cast as 'Bunny,' but no one ever knew my name unless they looked in the program.
And it was lots of fun, and no, I'm not just wearing underwear, that's a bikini!!
And I'm glad that I could find a role that wouldn't force me to cover up my tattoos, because that's been a bit of a concern lately...as if having a tattoo makes me less of a person? Yeah, thanks a lot...
But it was great, it was wonderful, it was amazing...
And I can't get Michael Bublé out of my head, but I think I"m alright with that.
Check out the lovely review here:
Click Me!!!
In a theatre exchange sort of thing, after coming to see our show, a group of us went down to Sheridan, Wyoming to see a production of 'The Dead Guy,' written by Eric Coble. It was funny, it was awkward, and we weren't quite sure we liked it...
Funny, but we kind of expected 'the dead guy' to survive...
But it was a blast, and I wish I'd gotten some pictures...oh well...
Life outside of theatre is going well.
Music is Life.
'Nuff said.
And I think I might be happy...today, anyway.
Love you all, hope life's treatin' you right, happy Thursday!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Save the Breakdown for the Dormroom...
So I just realized that I will never see home again.
Confused?
So am I...
Let's go back a bit...
My parents are moving to South Carolina.
They've wanted to move for a few years, not necessarily there, just somewhere else, and it's finally official, and the house is on the market and they have an inspection or something happening today, and well, yeah...
And I was on the phone with my Mommy this morning, and was on the verge of asking if she wanted me home to help --since they're moving in the summer, I figured I could lend a hand, you know? Only before we get to that point, I say something about July or August, and she cuts in and says, "Actually, probably around June 15th."
Oh.
Okay.
I'm taking some summer courses until the beginning of July. Guess I can't help, sorry, but would you ask Grandma if she could store my stuff for me for a bit, please, until I figure out where I'm going? Yeah, sure thing, no problem...
No problem?
I just realized I'm not gonna be home at all before this happens.
Well, I have the pretty snow-covered Christmas scene in my head, so I guess I ended on a good note, anyway...
And goodness gracious, how am I gonna get to South Carolina???
Time to bring out the water-proof make-up so people only notice the glamorous and not the sad haha...
What's new in your lives?
Confused?
So am I...
Let's go back a bit...
My parents are moving to South Carolina.
They've wanted to move for a few years, not necessarily there, just somewhere else, and it's finally official, and the house is on the market and they have an inspection or something happening today, and well, yeah...
And I was on the phone with my Mommy this morning, and was on the verge of asking if she wanted me home to help --since they're moving in the summer, I figured I could lend a hand, you know? Only before we get to that point, I say something about July or August, and she cuts in and says, "Actually, probably around June 15th."
Oh.
Okay.
I'm taking some summer courses until the beginning of July. Guess I can't help, sorry, but would you ask Grandma if she could store my stuff for me for a bit, please, until I figure out where I'm going? Yeah, sure thing, no problem...
No problem?
I just realized I'm not gonna be home at all before this happens.
Well, I have the pretty snow-covered Christmas scene in my head, so I guess I ended on a good note, anyway...
And goodness gracious, how am I gonna get to South Carolina???
Time to bring out the water-proof make-up so people only notice the glamorous and not the sad haha...
What's new in your lives?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A book in one hand, and an invisible piano beneath the other...
Chord progressions are fascinating, did you know?
I picked up an album from ELO the other day, and there was a song I'd never heard, but I was immediately caught by the notes, and so I tried to play them in my head...I knew it was a jump up of a perfect fourth, and then descending step-wise...except that there were four chords and they played five, and I couldn't figure out what was happening...until I realized the second to last was a seven chord, and then all was right with the world...
Though I'm sure Sam thought I was crazy, sitting next to her, playing keys that weren't there, speaking Greek for all she knew...
But it certainly made my day better.
Wish everything was that simple...
I picked up an album from ELO the other day, and there was a song I'd never heard, but I was immediately caught by the notes, and so I tried to play them in my head...I knew it was a jump up of a perfect fourth, and then descending step-wise...except that there were four chords and they played five, and I couldn't figure out what was happening...until I realized the second to last was a seven chord, and then all was right with the world...
Though I'm sure Sam thought I was crazy, sitting next to her, playing keys that weren't there, speaking Greek for all she knew...
But it certainly made my day better.
Wish everything was that simple...
Friday, March 4, 2011
Long-lost persons, superhuman strength, and broken-down cars...
So life is crazy.
I think it is for all my friends.
And I think sometimes I aggravate the situation by listening to the same song over and over and over...three days in a row.
To my lovely roommates, I humbly apologize, and thank you for not banging on my door and telling me to stop.
It's been awhile since I last posted, though, so let me catch you up on a few things...
I mentioned last time, I went through this really scary period where my right hand was just being weird...that is to say, it was completely numb, twenty-four seven, as if I'd slept on it, but it never went away, and writing became difficult, as did playing piano, and though I kept calm, I was freaking out on the inside...and actually did freak out once after a doctor's appointment where the man told me 'It may last six days, it may last six months...'
Thank you, Amelia, for letting me freak out, and for letting me talk to you afterwards.
No surprise, they never did figure out what was wrong with me, but the feeling came back, and I'm playing just as well as ever, if not more, and my major thanks me for getting better...
Being a music major is awesome, by the way, and I don't know why I put it off for so long; I think I was worried about what people thought of me, and the expectations of my family, and I was a little scared, too, but I've never felt more at peace about what I'm doing with my life as I do now...I've got so many more friends in the department now, too; the musicees (thanks for the nickname, J-me) are really tight-knit and like a family, and I didn't get that feeling in the history department --though of course, they're still nice, it's just not the same. Plus, I'm really good at all this music stuff, which makes me believe I'm on the right track; I mean I just pick up on stuff so fast, it's awesome, I'm awesome, and I wouldn't be anywhere else.
Of course, I can't forget the non-music people that have taken me in; I have such a blast with everyone, and I know I can be quiet sometimes, but when I talk, you listen to everything I have to say, and even though you keep trying to convince me to watch scary movies with you, Mal, J-me, Nick, I love you all...when are we hanging out next?
Now it's not all sunshine and roses...very little of that, in fact, as stated in my last post, I don't get sunshine no matter the time or day or year...sadness!! haha, but seriously...
There's a member of the family that I've been hearing tales of since I was a kid, and for awhile, I almost considered her to be some sort of fairy-tale character; real enough, but still so far away from my life. And then we found her, and suddenly, bam, fairy-tale is solid. But there's still hesitation, and so, with a little encouragement, yours truly made first contact, and wow...welcome to the family, Amy!!
Only certain persons got mad at me, one left an angry message on my phone, and I felt for a moment that my whole life was crashing down, and who else could I blame but myself? Though it's ridiculous to think that I alone could ruin someone's life, think that I did, and it took me awhile to realize that wasn't true. And though it's been awkward, it would appear I've been forgiven, and even though there's still one that hasn't talked to me, I think everything's going to be okay, and the sudden whirlwind of this awesome discovery has settled into a light breeze.
My next goal is to meet fact-to-face, but we'll see what happens. For now, it's as if I've got myself a 'pen-pal' [web-pal is maybe a better term?], and I'm loving it...
I've discovered in the last month, many things about being a girl that I'd had no experience with before...for instance, for two weeks, with the exception of class time, where I'm focused and undistractable, I found myself in tears almost every ten minutes. I fear I may have brought people around me down, but no one ever said anything; I'm sure it was clear I didn't like being distressed, and I didn't want sympathy, either, but I don't think anyone can ever really ignore a girl in tears.
And what brought on these tears?
A good song, a stupid movie, running out of peanut butter, reading my textbook, watching my friends laugh at whatever was being said, playing piano, doing dishes, trying to figure out what to wear, filling up the empty water bottles, switching from a #2 pencil to mechanical...the list goes on, and gets more and more ridiculous. And every time my phone went off during class, where I'm unable to see what's up or what's wrong, for five minutes, I thought the worst, until the teacher brought me back to earth with her discussion on 16th-note rhythms.
(It never was the worst, and I keep wondering why my friends and family keep calling during my favorite class...)
It was completely inconceivable that I was acting this way, and I couldn't understand what had caused it, and for a moment...or more, actually...I was hoping God had pulled the same miracle twice and I was the virgin Emma...at least the emotional roller-coaster would have made sense, right?
But then my period came, and I was back to my happy-go-lucky self, and I have to wonder...is this a new trend? Am I going to be over-reacting to every little thing for two weeks a month for the rest of my life?
Heaven help me, and heaven help my friends, if that's the case...
Some lovely emotional turmoil that's been going through my mind as well concerns two of my best friends who are getting married.
First off, color me jealous?
It really seems like everyone but me is married or engaged or in a serious relationship...though of course that can't be true, but I think about it, and it's only worse when I think to myself, Mom had a one-year-old at my age, and Jess was married and Liberty was around when she was my age (though I can't remember if she was still inside Jess, but the point stands), and I feel like I'm breaking tradition here...
Then I think of Elle being in a serious relationship (with a boy I used to like!! the horrors continue), and she's not yet twenty, and then, wait...my friends I mentioned? Shonda is twenty, getting married in two weeks, and Sam is nineteen, and will only be twenty when she ties the knot next summer...
Which brings me to point number two: when did everyone get so young?
I feel like I'm getting a complex, but I refuse to do so at the same time, but then I rant which makes it seem like I've already got it, but if I don't rant, well...
As I said, emotional turmoil.
Sometimes I wish that I could take a baseball and just chuck it through one of the windows in the dorm here and and watch the glass shatter and explode...that'd be rather cathartic, don't you agree?
Except there would be fines and penalties and goodness knows what, so...
The other day, I was told some upsetting news --though truthfully, it was my own selfishness that made the upset, and everything was perfectly logical for the person involved-- and, not having a baseball or extra cash to pay for new windows, I did the next best thing...
I rearranged my room.
And discovered I have far more junk that any person needs, and I wonder how I fit it all so neatly into one space...which reminds me...I love packages, but have no room for the boxes they entail, so...no, don't stop sending me boxes, just make sure you send me some tape along with it, so I can still use the boxes after I take them apart to store them properly.
I also discovered that I have a lot of books and they are heavy. To move the wardrobe, I emptied one of the drawers, which had about fifty or so books in it, and I figured that would be perfect; I was golden. Except even then, I neglected to consider the second drawer full of even more books and thus heavier, and it was quite an exercise to push it from one side of the room to the other. At one point, I'd shoved back as far as I could, while using the desk for leverage, until the distance became too great, and my strength began to wane and I slid back against the wardrobe, temporarily defeated...I say temporarily, because I do not leave a job undone, and though I may be small, I'm stronger than I look, and I won't be defeated by a hundred-plus pound piece of furniture...even if the blackberry brandy I'd forgotten was on top decided to dive-bomb and hit me smack in the middle of my head...I've never had a headache from alcohol before then. =)
As you can see from the pictures [http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=753588966&aid=293926], I'm apparently a genius of both making messes and cleaning them up. And in the process, I decided to downsize as well. Five boxes are headed for the back of my car, and I finally took down my Twilight posters...I'm not as big a fan I was at the end of the semester, I guess? And the piano is finally more of a focal point than extra counter-space like it has been...now if only I could find a good chair to go with it...
I mentioned last time that I wasn't able to see family for any of the holidays, but that changed one day when my mother called and said "Grandpa said you need to go home, so he bought you a ticket."
[You have no idea how thankful I am for that, Grandpa!! love you!!!]
I spent every night cuddling with MJ, which was awesome, and I got to see the whole family when we all met up at the grandparents' place after Christmas, and it was just so much fun, and so relaxing, and I'm really going to push myself to go home at least for a little bit in August before school starts again, because I really do miss them, and though I'm sure they love me, too, it's more likely that I'll be the one taking the effort to go see them...this is nothing against my family, but it kind of seems like they don't care as much when they're in the thick of things because they just don't get as lonely as I do...
Which makes me wonder, Jess, how do you do it? I know you've got Eric and the kids, but that can't be enough when you're in a 'hicktown,' can it?
(And no offense to hicktowns, I think they're great and would love to live in one myself someday, but they're also really detached from everything else, so it can't be easy to suddenly find yourself stuck there when you're not used to that type of atmosphere)
Wonderful as visiting family was, though, I was eager to get back to school, and eager to get to know my friends better, and to go places...and to drive places...that I couldn't because, since I hadn't driven it in awhile, my car battery decided it wouldn't work.
And though I asked, schedules never matched up, so no one was ever able to jump my car, until last night, after an epic girls' night (kudos to Janie and Travis for making it awesome!!), and then, with Frankenstein crying out "It's alive!!" inside my head, I drove around, made sure it was running at least forty minutes, and then finally did some shopping for the groceries I so desperately needed --I love peanut butter and oatmeal, but variety is nice, and I missed my milk!-- and I felt like I ruled the world, queen of the road...
Until I put the groceries in the car and tried to start it, and then Bones said "She's dead, Jim!"
OMHolyness, I wanted to scream...
Instead, I kicked the car, and broke off some of the plastic over the bumper (sorry, Sylvie, I really do love you!!), and then a lovely young couple parked near me and stepped out of their vehicle and asked, "Do you need any help?"
Yes, please, and I don't care if you're strangers, because half of the people that could help are out of town for break, and the other half are sleeping (this is about one in the morning), and I'm stubborn and would probably rather walk than risk waking them up and getting them mad at me...my friend Jessica scolded me today when she found out I accepted a ride from strangers, so I promise, I won't do it again!!
But they were nice, they had awesome music, and did I ever mention I love the smell of cigarettes?
So it was a nice calm ride back to campus, and I did have my groceries, plus I now have a charger that I can plug in inside without needing another car to jump me, so I let it charge all night and found a ride early this afternoon with the lovely Katie, and Frankenstein again cried "It's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!"
[Much more enthusiasm today, I think, lol]
And I discovered that it wasn't due to non-use like I originally thought, but that I'd apparently hit the switch to keep the lights on, and yeah, that'll about do it when your battery's low already and getting old...I like the charger, but it's sinking it that I'll probably have to really replace the battery sometime soon, but we'll get to that when we get to it, yes?
And um...what else is going on?
I'm in a play...
I'm dying my hair...
I'm writing a song for my brother Jay...
And I'm almost out of peach tea, but I've got several other flavors, plus the original Lipton (can't go wrong with a classic, can we?), so I think I'm good...
Yeah, I'm good....
And I hope the rest of you are as well!!
Love you, God bless, thanks for reading...
I think it is for all my friends.
And I think sometimes I aggravate the situation by listening to the same song over and over and over...three days in a row.
To my lovely roommates, I humbly apologize, and thank you for not banging on my door and telling me to stop.
It's been awhile since I last posted, though, so let me catch you up on a few things...
I mentioned last time, I went through this really scary period where my right hand was just being weird...that is to say, it was completely numb, twenty-four seven, as if I'd slept on it, but it never went away, and writing became difficult, as did playing piano, and though I kept calm, I was freaking out on the inside...and actually did freak out once after a doctor's appointment where the man told me 'It may last six days, it may last six months...'
Thank you, Amelia, for letting me freak out, and for letting me talk to you afterwards.
No surprise, they never did figure out what was wrong with me, but the feeling came back, and I'm playing just as well as ever, if not more, and my major thanks me for getting better...
Being a music major is awesome, by the way, and I don't know why I put it off for so long; I think I was worried about what people thought of me, and the expectations of my family, and I was a little scared, too, but I've never felt more at peace about what I'm doing with my life as I do now...I've got so many more friends in the department now, too; the musicees (thanks for the nickname, J-me) are really tight-knit and like a family, and I didn't get that feeling in the history department --though of course, they're still nice, it's just not the same. Plus, I'm really good at all this music stuff, which makes me believe I'm on the right track; I mean I just pick up on stuff so fast, it's awesome, I'm awesome, and I wouldn't be anywhere else.
Of course, I can't forget the non-music people that have taken me in; I have such a blast with everyone, and I know I can be quiet sometimes, but when I talk, you listen to everything I have to say, and even though you keep trying to convince me to watch scary movies with you, Mal, J-me, Nick, I love you all...when are we hanging out next?
Now it's not all sunshine and roses...very little of that, in fact, as stated in my last post, I don't get sunshine no matter the time or day or year...sadness!! haha, but seriously...
There's a member of the family that I've been hearing tales of since I was a kid, and for awhile, I almost considered her to be some sort of fairy-tale character; real enough, but still so far away from my life. And then we found her, and suddenly, bam, fairy-tale is solid. But there's still hesitation, and so, with a little encouragement, yours truly made first contact, and wow...welcome to the family, Amy!!
Only certain persons got mad at me, one left an angry message on my phone, and I felt for a moment that my whole life was crashing down, and who else could I blame but myself? Though it's ridiculous to think that I alone could ruin someone's life, think that I did, and it took me awhile to realize that wasn't true. And though it's been awkward, it would appear I've been forgiven, and even though there's still one that hasn't talked to me, I think everything's going to be okay, and the sudden whirlwind of this awesome discovery has settled into a light breeze.
My next goal is to meet fact-to-face, but we'll see what happens. For now, it's as if I've got myself a 'pen-pal' [web-pal is maybe a better term?], and I'm loving it...
I've discovered in the last month, many things about being a girl that I'd had no experience with before...for instance, for two weeks, with the exception of class time, where I'm focused and undistractable, I found myself in tears almost every ten minutes. I fear I may have brought people around me down, but no one ever said anything; I'm sure it was clear I didn't like being distressed, and I didn't want sympathy, either, but I don't think anyone can ever really ignore a girl in tears.
And what brought on these tears?
A good song, a stupid movie, running out of peanut butter, reading my textbook, watching my friends laugh at whatever was being said, playing piano, doing dishes, trying to figure out what to wear, filling up the empty water bottles, switching from a #2 pencil to mechanical...the list goes on, and gets more and more ridiculous. And every time my phone went off during class, where I'm unable to see what's up or what's wrong, for five minutes, I thought the worst, until the teacher brought me back to earth with her discussion on 16th-note rhythms.
(It never was the worst, and I keep wondering why my friends and family keep calling during my favorite class...)
It was completely inconceivable that I was acting this way, and I couldn't understand what had caused it, and for a moment...or more, actually...I was hoping God had pulled the same miracle twice and I was the virgin Emma...at least the emotional roller-coaster would have made sense, right?
But then my period came, and I was back to my happy-go-lucky self, and I have to wonder...is this a new trend? Am I going to be over-reacting to every little thing for two weeks a month for the rest of my life?
Heaven help me, and heaven help my friends, if that's the case...
Some lovely emotional turmoil that's been going through my mind as well concerns two of my best friends who are getting married.
First off, color me jealous?
It really seems like everyone but me is married or engaged or in a serious relationship...though of course that can't be true, but I think about it, and it's only worse when I think to myself, Mom had a one-year-old at my age, and Jess was married and Liberty was around when she was my age (though I can't remember if she was still inside Jess, but the point stands), and I feel like I'm breaking tradition here...
Then I think of Elle being in a serious relationship (with a boy I used to like!! the horrors continue), and she's not yet twenty, and then, wait...my friends I mentioned? Shonda is twenty, getting married in two weeks, and Sam is nineteen, and will only be twenty when she ties the knot next summer...
Which brings me to point number two: when did everyone get so young?
I feel like I'm getting a complex, but I refuse to do so at the same time, but then I rant which makes it seem like I've already got it, but if I don't rant, well...
As I said, emotional turmoil.
Sometimes I wish that I could take a baseball and just chuck it through one of the windows in the dorm here and and watch the glass shatter and explode...that'd be rather cathartic, don't you agree?
Except there would be fines and penalties and goodness knows what, so...
The other day, I was told some upsetting news --though truthfully, it was my own selfishness that made the upset, and everything was perfectly logical for the person involved-- and, not having a baseball or extra cash to pay for new windows, I did the next best thing...
I rearranged my room.
And discovered I have far more junk that any person needs, and I wonder how I fit it all so neatly into one space...which reminds me...I love packages, but have no room for the boxes they entail, so...no, don't stop sending me boxes, just make sure you send me some tape along with it, so I can still use the boxes after I take them apart to store them properly.
I also discovered that I have a lot of books and they are heavy. To move the wardrobe, I emptied one of the drawers, which had about fifty or so books in it, and I figured that would be perfect; I was golden. Except even then, I neglected to consider the second drawer full of even more books and thus heavier, and it was quite an exercise to push it from one side of the room to the other. At one point, I'd shoved back as far as I could, while using the desk for leverage, until the distance became too great, and my strength began to wane and I slid back against the wardrobe, temporarily defeated...I say temporarily, because I do not leave a job undone, and though I may be small, I'm stronger than I look, and I won't be defeated by a hundred-plus pound piece of furniture...even if the blackberry brandy I'd forgotten was on top decided to dive-bomb and hit me smack in the middle of my head...I've never had a headache from alcohol before then. =)
As you can see from the pictures [http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=753588966&aid=293926], I'm apparently a genius of both making messes and cleaning them up. And in the process, I decided to downsize as well. Five boxes are headed for the back of my car, and I finally took down my Twilight posters...I'm not as big a fan I was at the end of the semester, I guess? And the piano is finally more of a focal point than extra counter-space like it has been...now if only I could find a good chair to go with it...
I mentioned last time that I wasn't able to see family for any of the holidays, but that changed one day when my mother called and said "Grandpa said you need to go home, so he bought you a ticket."
[You have no idea how thankful I am for that, Grandpa!! love you!!!]
I spent every night cuddling with MJ, which was awesome, and I got to see the whole family when we all met up at the grandparents' place after Christmas, and it was just so much fun, and so relaxing, and I'm really going to push myself to go home at least for a little bit in August before school starts again, because I really do miss them, and though I'm sure they love me, too, it's more likely that I'll be the one taking the effort to go see them...this is nothing against my family, but it kind of seems like they don't care as much when they're in the thick of things because they just don't get as lonely as I do...
Which makes me wonder, Jess, how do you do it? I know you've got Eric and the kids, but that can't be enough when you're in a 'hicktown,' can it?
(And no offense to hicktowns, I think they're great and would love to live in one myself someday, but they're also really detached from everything else, so it can't be easy to suddenly find yourself stuck there when you're not used to that type of atmosphere)
Wonderful as visiting family was, though, I was eager to get back to school, and eager to get to know my friends better, and to go places...and to drive places...that I couldn't because, since I hadn't driven it in awhile, my car battery decided it wouldn't work.
And though I asked, schedules never matched up, so no one was ever able to jump my car, until last night, after an epic girls' night (kudos to Janie and Travis for making it awesome!!), and then, with Frankenstein crying out "It's alive!!" inside my head, I drove around, made sure it was running at least forty minutes, and then finally did some shopping for the groceries I so desperately needed --I love peanut butter and oatmeal, but variety is nice, and I missed my milk!-- and I felt like I ruled the world, queen of the road...
Until I put the groceries in the car and tried to start it, and then Bones said "She's dead, Jim!"
OMHolyness, I wanted to scream...
Instead, I kicked the car, and broke off some of the plastic over the bumper (sorry, Sylvie, I really do love you!!), and then a lovely young couple parked near me and stepped out of their vehicle and asked, "Do you need any help?"
Yes, please, and I don't care if you're strangers, because half of the people that could help are out of town for break, and the other half are sleeping (this is about one in the morning), and I'm stubborn and would probably rather walk than risk waking them up and getting them mad at me...my friend Jessica scolded me today when she found out I accepted a ride from strangers, so I promise, I won't do it again!!
But they were nice, they had awesome music, and did I ever mention I love the smell of cigarettes?
So it was a nice calm ride back to campus, and I did have my groceries, plus I now have a charger that I can plug in inside without needing another car to jump me, so I let it charge all night and found a ride early this afternoon with the lovely Katie, and Frankenstein again cried "It's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!"
[Much more enthusiasm today, I think, lol]
And I discovered that it wasn't due to non-use like I originally thought, but that I'd apparently hit the switch to keep the lights on, and yeah, that'll about do it when your battery's low already and getting old...I like the charger, but it's sinking it that I'll probably have to really replace the battery sometime soon, but we'll get to that when we get to it, yes?
And um...what else is going on?
I'm in a play...
I'm dying my hair...
I'm writing a song for my brother Jay...
And I'm almost out of peach tea, but I've got several other flavors, plus the original Lipton (can't go wrong with a classic, can we?), so I think I'm good...
Yeah, I'm good....
And I hope the rest of you are as well!!
Love you, God bless, thanks for reading...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Four-score and forever ago...
I forgot that I had a blog.
Shame on me?
What can I say...sorry, I guess, though I doubt you missed me, because I'm hard to understand, and even give myself a headache at times, so...yeah...
So what to say, then?
Start from now and go backwards, or start from summer and go forwards? What's freshest? Well, that's an easy question...what's easiest to write about, though? That's where things get...interesting...ahaha...
On my desk is the book Sunshine, by one Robin McKinley, author of such great stories as Spindle's End and Beauty and Deerskin, and I greatly look forward to the time when I have enough money to buy her newest volume, Pegasus --or perhaps I'll just wait until it's in paperback, so I'll get it cheaper. I digress...the point is Sunshine. An epic story of love and mystery and Death by Chocolate and what, in my opinion, the Twilight Saga could only dream of being. I've got a thing for vampires, you know? However, like the title character, I also have a thing for 'sunshine,' which, unfortunately, I am lacking in.
Point one: I moved back into the dorms, the upper-classmen dorms, known as 'Rimview,' and it's all lovely, and my roommates are great, and I just like being here. And everything fits into my room, from the piano and three guitars (four if you count the bass) to the Christmas tree and my forty-plus dresses. Great, and lovely, and surprisingly uncramped...though I tend to hit my head on the ceiling if I'm not careful, but that's neither here nor there. No, the only problem is in looking out my window, I have a great view of the courtyard, whether it be green and bright or snowy and dark, and I can see everything that's happening within the dorm, if I choose to do so...and I can see the sunshine that, due to my poor choice of rooms, does not even touch my window, no matter the time of day. Perfection...
Point two: while it's been surprisingly warm weather this fall, I still have had the heater on in my own room since early October. I'm sure my roommates are grateful that it's a small personal one, and that I'm not turning up the heat in the entire unit. As I told my friends the other day, I am a northern girl with southern sensibilities; i.e., I get cold unless it's eighty degrees out. And, since the sunlight doesn't reach my room, I'm even colder, having no outside source to absorb.
Point three: I repeat, the weather has been surprisingly warm this fall. But just this last Thursday, winter descended upon us, and it's snowing...and snowing...and snowing...and even when it stops, I haven't seen hair nor hide of the sun in days. I hope my next living space has at the very least a better window set-up.
Sunshine, I love you, and I'll be back for you someday, so please don't forget me!!
I've been feeling lonely the last...however long it's been. I spent the whole summer away from home, though with Johanna and Jordan, who I consider extended family, so it was nice, and though I'm rather asocial most of the time, we still had good times together.
And then, the summer was over, and I went home...for only two, maybe three days? And then it's back to school, and I was looking forward to winter break, going home, recharging from lack of family...I'm like Nodame without Chiaki...give me at least a shirt that smells like you, please!! But, well, money is tight, winter weather is rough on driving, and though a flight would give me extra time --five hours travel-time versus sixteen-- it would also double the cost, and a train would only make the road issues disappear, and so...I'm not going home. And I realize, then, that if you think about it, it's been almost a year since I've been at home. I was there for a month after spring semester, true, and there are those three days between summer and fall semester, but I was almost a guest in my own house. Heck, that month I was home, I didn't even really have a room to myself, having Eli's stuff in there, and then I'd sleep more often in MJ's bed with her instead...trying to do that 'recharging' I mentioned. And it's the same for those three days. It's been understood in my mind that I really have moved out, even if it's only to the dorms, and that home will never be home again...which makes me feel homeless.
So I'm lonely.
Haha.
Who'd have thunk?
And yes, I've got friends here, and I have graciously accepted invitations to Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations where I know I'll feel the outsider, but it's better than being alone, isn't it? I'm really trying to lessen my alone time, because I sink into these funks and don't do a thing...bad, bad, bad...
The school counselor thinks, if I don't improve, I should get some meds...which makes me really want to laugh, because, heck, I'm the bouncy, annoying, cheerful, and ditzy cheerleader, aren't I? People tell me to be calm, and try to mellow out, and it just doesn't work, and if I try, then I'm depressed, so I just go back to bouncy...and the bouncy girl needs antidepressants, yay...haha, seriously, though, what's wrong with this picture?
God, it's hard being here...and so I'm going to ask if you'll all contribute something to my Christmas tree, whether it be a candy cane to decorate or a present to sit beneath, so then I'll have some physical knowledge that I'm not alone...is that wrong to ask?
I sound pathetic, I'm sure, but I laugh as I'm writing, so I figure I'll be okay; I just thought I should be honest, because not talking about it makes it worse, according to me, and according to the counselor, and according to the academic advisor, and according to the history and piano teachers...nice to know people are concerned, though I hate it when I overhear a conversation like "Emma's depressed, isn't she?"
Damn right I am, and you just made it worse, thank you very much...
And now I'm ranting, so I'll move on...
I decided to change my major.
I've been into the history and English side of things, and of course, I still am; I love reading and writing stories, and I've found I'm actually pretty good at writing papers if I put my mind to it, and there's still that tiny part of me that thinks being a librarian would be cool...
But music is my life. And even if I fall behind in history and English, I never have, and never will do so in music, because it's just so important, and it's much more engaging to me than anything else I've ever done, and so...
"Hello, my name is Emma, and I'm a music performance major, with a focus on piano and composition."
It's really cool, and really intense, and yes, I practice four to five hours a day...or is it three to four? I can't count, haha...but this is it. And I know it is, because God told me so...
...
Wish he'd talk to me about other things too...oh, well, I just gotta pay attention more n listen.
I'm not always eating right, but I'm trying to take my vitamins every day. I have a meal-plan, and almost always get to lunch these days, especially since it's fifty meals the whole semester and I have more than there are days left in the school year, due to...um...depressing moments, I guess. I could have sworn I was gaining weight this semester, but I'm perfectly even to what I was last year at this time. That's a good thing, I suppose...though I still gotta eat better...but I'm making my own food in the dorm when I don't get to the cafeteria, and it's edible if not tasty. I'm going for healthy versus taste, and cheap versus everything. Who said I can't be sensible? I've resolved not to give into temptation and buy candy anymore. I keep peppermints handy, though, because they help me to stay awake...which is crazy, but true. (Thanks, Mic, for the advice!!) And then, for the rest of the time, I've got a part-time job at Subway, which gives me one free meal per shift, so I can have taste a few times a week, haha...tea is a major part of my diet, and though this always makes me think of Dad, it's the one thing that concerns home that doesn't make me miss home. Weird...
If I were to ask for a care-package, I'd probably want peanut butter, pasta, and some oatmeal cookies... =]
But I can get the first two for myself, and I have friends with ovens --wish I had a DORM with them-- so I can make those myself, if I have time...
What I really need are a bunch of quick, easy recipes that will cover the basics, like proteins, dairies, grains, etc, but be able to buy the ingredients in under ten dollars...those exist, right? Or I could just keep making goulash, and mixing tuna in with my macaroni and cheese...like I said, cheap and healthy over taste...though those could be healthier, I think...
Or, I know, if you're in the area, take me out for lunch!! yay!! haha...
On the matter of health, some of you know, some of you do not, but I was losing feeling in my right hand the last two months. A scary thing, especially considering my change of major. And scary, too, that the doctors have no idea what it is. I've been to the doctor more in the last month and a half than I have my entire life...or it seems like it. For the record, I hate doctors. I will look up my symptoms online, take vitamins and natural supplements to heal, and when I have kids, home-births all the way...doctors are bad!!
(And if you're a doctor, it's not you personally, I hate, just your profession, so don't feel bad, okay?)
Anyway, so it's been a concern, and I wouldn't have seen the doctors if I hadn't realized it wasn't going away and I had no idea how to make it so...go figure that they don't have any ideas, either. Another reason why I shouldn't have gone in the first place.
However, the last appointment I had, they said, though they don't know what causes it, it's clearly getting better...praise the Lord, right?
Which brings me to my next point...
I have found a church that I like, in the Heights, called City Church, and it's a lot like Hope back home, which is cool. Also, though not a factor of my liking it, but Pastor Kalen looks and sounds like Alec Baldwin...no kidding. Though, he's probably a little heavier, and his voice is a tad lighter, but I'd swear they were related...
The people there are really nice, though, and the pianist is great, the music is very up-lifting and inspiring, and I can really feel the presence of God there, which I couldn't in some of the other churches I've been in...and I wonder why that is? Hmm...anyway, so they have these cards you can fill out, concerning whether you're a first-timer or a regular or whatever, and on the back, they have a spot for prayer requests, and I figured to myself, why not put that issue with my hand down?
And I've noticed, that the 'getting better' the doctor mentioned, starting happening shortly after that...guess all I needed was God, huh?
Unfortunately I'll miss service tomorrow, due to work conflicts, but I'm pretty sure I've found where I'm supposed to be, and that's a relief, let me tell ya...
I hope I can be a positive addition to the church body.
Hmmm...
I kind of don't want to talk about how the rest of summer went...
It was good, of course, just...I feel like when I left, I closed a door, and I don't want to open it right now...
This is the important stuff, anyway, so it works...
Hope everyone is well, as always, prayers are appreciated, care packages are more appreciated, and nice hefty check is best <3
(HA!)
Love you all, stay warm...
Shame on me?
What can I say...sorry, I guess, though I doubt you missed me, because I'm hard to understand, and even give myself a headache at times, so...yeah...
So what to say, then?
Start from now and go backwards, or start from summer and go forwards? What's freshest? Well, that's an easy question...what's easiest to write about, though? That's where things get...interesting...ahaha...
On my desk is the book Sunshine, by one Robin McKinley, author of such great stories as Spindle's End and Beauty and Deerskin, and I greatly look forward to the time when I have enough money to buy her newest volume, Pegasus --or perhaps I'll just wait until it's in paperback, so I'll get it cheaper. I digress...the point is Sunshine. An epic story of love and mystery and Death by Chocolate and what, in my opinion, the Twilight Saga could only dream of being. I've got a thing for vampires, you know? However, like the title character, I also have a thing for 'sunshine,' which, unfortunately, I am lacking in.
Point one: I moved back into the dorms, the upper-classmen dorms, known as 'Rimview,' and it's all lovely, and my roommates are great, and I just like being here. And everything fits into my room, from the piano and three guitars (four if you count the bass) to the Christmas tree and my forty-plus dresses. Great, and lovely, and surprisingly uncramped...though I tend to hit my head on the ceiling if I'm not careful, but that's neither here nor there. No, the only problem is in looking out my window, I have a great view of the courtyard, whether it be green and bright or snowy and dark, and I can see everything that's happening within the dorm, if I choose to do so...and I can see the sunshine that, due to my poor choice of rooms, does not even touch my window, no matter the time of day. Perfection...
Point two: while it's been surprisingly warm weather this fall, I still have had the heater on in my own room since early October. I'm sure my roommates are grateful that it's a small personal one, and that I'm not turning up the heat in the entire unit. As I told my friends the other day, I am a northern girl with southern sensibilities; i.e., I get cold unless it's eighty degrees out. And, since the sunlight doesn't reach my room, I'm even colder, having no outside source to absorb.
Point three: I repeat, the weather has been surprisingly warm this fall. But just this last Thursday, winter descended upon us, and it's snowing...and snowing...and snowing...and even when it stops, I haven't seen hair nor hide of the sun in days. I hope my next living space has at the very least a better window set-up.
Sunshine, I love you, and I'll be back for you someday, so please don't forget me!!
I've been feeling lonely the last...however long it's been. I spent the whole summer away from home, though with Johanna and Jordan, who I consider extended family, so it was nice, and though I'm rather asocial most of the time, we still had good times together.
And then, the summer was over, and I went home...for only two, maybe three days? And then it's back to school, and I was looking forward to winter break, going home, recharging from lack of family...I'm like Nodame without Chiaki...give me at least a shirt that smells like you, please!! But, well, money is tight, winter weather is rough on driving, and though a flight would give me extra time --five hours travel-time versus sixteen-- it would also double the cost, and a train would only make the road issues disappear, and so...I'm not going home. And I realize, then, that if you think about it, it's been almost a year since I've been at home. I was there for a month after spring semester, true, and there are those three days between summer and fall semester, but I was almost a guest in my own house. Heck, that month I was home, I didn't even really have a room to myself, having Eli's stuff in there, and then I'd sleep more often in MJ's bed with her instead...trying to do that 'recharging' I mentioned. And it's the same for those three days. It's been understood in my mind that I really have moved out, even if it's only to the dorms, and that home will never be home again...which makes me feel homeless.
So I'm lonely.
Haha.
Who'd have thunk?
And yes, I've got friends here, and I have graciously accepted invitations to Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations where I know I'll feel the outsider, but it's better than being alone, isn't it? I'm really trying to lessen my alone time, because I sink into these funks and don't do a thing...bad, bad, bad...
The school counselor thinks, if I don't improve, I should get some meds...which makes me really want to laugh, because, heck, I'm the bouncy, annoying, cheerful, and ditzy cheerleader, aren't I? People tell me to be calm, and try to mellow out, and it just doesn't work, and if I try, then I'm depressed, so I just go back to bouncy...and the bouncy girl needs antidepressants, yay...haha, seriously, though, what's wrong with this picture?
God, it's hard being here...and so I'm going to ask if you'll all contribute something to my Christmas tree, whether it be a candy cane to decorate or a present to sit beneath, so then I'll have some physical knowledge that I'm not alone...is that wrong to ask?
I sound pathetic, I'm sure, but I laugh as I'm writing, so I figure I'll be okay; I just thought I should be honest, because not talking about it makes it worse, according to me, and according to the counselor, and according to the academic advisor, and according to the history and piano teachers...nice to know people are concerned, though I hate it when I overhear a conversation like "Emma's depressed, isn't she?"
Damn right I am, and you just made it worse, thank you very much...
And now I'm ranting, so I'll move on...
I decided to change my major.
I've been into the history and English side of things, and of course, I still am; I love reading and writing stories, and I've found I'm actually pretty good at writing papers if I put my mind to it, and there's still that tiny part of me that thinks being a librarian would be cool...
But music is my life. And even if I fall behind in history and English, I never have, and never will do so in music, because it's just so important, and it's much more engaging to me than anything else I've ever done, and so...
"Hello, my name is Emma, and I'm a music performance major, with a focus on piano and composition."
It's really cool, and really intense, and yes, I practice four to five hours a day...or is it three to four? I can't count, haha...but this is it. And I know it is, because God told me so...
...
Wish he'd talk to me about other things too...oh, well, I just gotta pay attention more n listen.
I'm not always eating right, but I'm trying to take my vitamins every day. I have a meal-plan, and almost always get to lunch these days, especially since it's fifty meals the whole semester and I have more than there are days left in the school year, due to...um...depressing moments, I guess. I could have sworn I was gaining weight this semester, but I'm perfectly even to what I was last year at this time. That's a good thing, I suppose...though I still gotta eat better...but I'm making my own food in the dorm when I don't get to the cafeteria, and it's edible if not tasty. I'm going for healthy versus taste, and cheap versus everything. Who said I can't be sensible? I've resolved not to give into temptation and buy candy anymore. I keep peppermints handy, though, because they help me to stay awake...which is crazy, but true. (Thanks, Mic, for the advice!!) And then, for the rest of the time, I've got a part-time job at Subway, which gives me one free meal per shift, so I can have taste a few times a week, haha...tea is a major part of my diet, and though this always makes me think of Dad, it's the one thing that concerns home that doesn't make me miss home. Weird...
If I were to ask for a care-package, I'd probably want peanut butter, pasta, and some oatmeal cookies... =]
But I can get the first two for myself, and I have friends with ovens --wish I had a DORM with them-- so I can make those myself, if I have time...
What I really need are a bunch of quick, easy recipes that will cover the basics, like proteins, dairies, grains, etc, but be able to buy the ingredients in under ten dollars...those exist, right? Or I could just keep making goulash, and mixing tuna in with my macaroni and cheese...like I said, cheap and healthy over taste...though those could be healthier, I think...
Or, I know, if you're in the area, take me out for lunch!! yay!! haha...
On the matter of health, some of you know, some of you do not, but I was losing feeling in my right hand the last two months. A scary thing, especially considering my change of major. And scary, too, that the doctors have no idea what it is. I've been to the doctor more in the last month and a half than I have my entire life...or it seems like it. For the record, I hate doctors. I will look up my symptoms online, take vitamins and natural supplements to heal, and when I have kids, home-births all the way...doctors are bad!!
(And if you're a doctor, it's not you personally, I hate, just your profession, so don't feel bad, okay?)
Anyway, so it's been a concern, and I wouldn't have seen the doctors if I hadn't realized it wasn't going away and I had no idea how to make it so...go figure that they don't have any ideas, either. Another reason why I shouldn't have gone in the first place.
However, the last appointment I had, they said, though they don't know what causes it, it's clearly getting better...praise the Lord, right?
Which brings me to my next point...
I have found a church that I like, in the Heights, called City Church, and it's a lot like Hope back home, which is cool. Also, though not a factor of my liking it, but Pastor Kalen looks and sounds like Alec Baldwin...no kidding. Though, he's probably a little heavier, and his voice is a tad lighter, but I'd swear they were related...
The people there are really nice, though, and the pianist is great, the music is very up-lifting and inspiring, and I can really feel the presence of God there, which I couldn't in some of the other churches I've been in...and I wonder why that is? Hmm...anyway, so they have these cards you can fill out, concerning whether you're a first-timer or a regular or whatever, and on the back, they have a spot for prayer requests, and I figured to myself, why not put that issue with my hand down?
And I've noticed, that the 'getting better' the doctor mentioned, starting happening shortly after that...guess all I needed was God, huh?
Unfortunately I'll miss service tomorrow, due to work conflicts, but I'm pretty sure I've found where I'm supposed to be, and that's a relief, let me tell ya...
I hope I can be a positive addition to the church body.
Hmmm...
I kind of don't want to talk about how the rest of summer went...
It was good, of course, just...I feel like when I left, I closed a door, and I don't want to open it right now...
This is the important stuff, anyway, so it works...
Hope everyone is well, as always, prayers are appreciated, care packages are more appreciated, and nice hefty check is best <3
(HA!)
Love you all, stay warm...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Adventures in Dishwashing...
As you may or may not know (but soon will either way), I am working at Yellowstone National Park this summer. Wide open spaces, new friends (and old, as I will explain later), and a great opportunity to try out my camera skills.
As you also may or may not know (same rules apply), I'm working in the dish-pit. In other words, I get to spend eight hours a day washing away what all the spoiled rich people who come to the resort decide they don't want to eat.
And ouch, was that a little harsh? Maybe, maybe, moving on...
Or actually, let's back up a little, shall we?
Last year, must have been summer, hanging out with my friend Johanna (don't pronounce the 'h' please!), and she was saying how she didn't really want to spend another summer at home. College gives you a sense of freedom, I suppose, and at our age, maybe it's about time we get out, right? So we started thinking, started planning...and found ourselves (plus her boyfriend Jordan, nice kid, strange, but like I said, nice), sending in applications to work at Xanterra Parks & Resorts in Yellowstone. And crazy enough, we all get in, which is first, yay, and second, YAY, and third...
I'm babbling, aren't I?
Anyway, cut the story short, just over a week ago, we set out from our 'home base' of Minnesota, and camped in the Badlands, the Black Hills, and just outside of Yellowstone before arriving for orientation and training on the 10th. Things are simple enough, we're all in the same dorm, Jo and I share the same room, and we're making friends everywhere we go, and when I get my first day off tomorrow, I just might (MIGHT) do a little hiking. Not sure where I'll go, but I'm going, and, oops, going to take my FIRST picture from this entire trip.
Lame, yeah, but I'm so not interested in pictures of monuments and memorials and really, the Badlands aren't all that cool, okay? Been there, done that...I do regret no pictures in the Black Hills, but I'm sure I'll be back another time.
As to the actual work I'm doing, let me tell ya...not all it's cracked up to be. We have burns and pains and broken glass, and ooh, pretty, but ouch, cuz I need to get a bright turquoise bandaid. I'm a bit clumsy, but working on it, and doing okay, getting more common sense, but sometimes, it's hard to stay sane doing the same thing for eight hours, so I try to alleviate my boredom in certain ways...
Ahem...
Singing any song that comes into my head, for instance. The Beach Boys, Relient K, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Spice Girls, the Beatles, Aerosmith, Britney Spears, anything from Disney's The Princess & The Frog...okay, so clearly anything goes, right? And if I hear someone else singing something (rare, but it happens), that song will be stuck. Or if they say something that happens to be a line from a song, then that will be stuck. And sometimes it gets repetitive, and so I think to myself, when I'm done, I'll listen to something else on my computer and all will be awesome...only then I put on classical piano, and guess what? No words!! Duh...
Today I was particularly enchanted by the bubbles in the sink. Bubbles are awesome, one of my favorite things, and how can you not agree when there's a rainbow in EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE??? Cool, right? And so I scoop some into my hand, admire them a moment, and then...CLAP!! And bubbles everywhere. Most think I'm crazy, but the girls seem to understand. And today, also, we had a 'bubble incident' as well, but totally not my fault!! We use this white fusion detergent, and we ran out while I was on break, and some chucklehead said to use the purple fusion (which is really about the coolest shade of purple in the world, to be honest), but I noticed, after awhile when I came back that things were starting to...um...overflow? And I mean like whoa...bubbles ALL OVER...and how come I'm the only one to pay attention? Gee...but yeah, so we had a little fun with the bubbles, but then had to drain the machine, rinse it out, find the right detergent, and let it cycle a bit to make sure the bubbles went away, because our glassware was becoming a little spotty and not so pretty...haha...but lovely fun, anyway, and I was kind of glad for the excuse to put everything on hold for a bit.
Did I mention it's EIGHT HOURS of washing DISHES?
And yeah, okay, I know I'm rambling, but I feel it's okay, because you know what? It's been forever, and though none of you show it or say anything, I'm sure you've missed my randomness, so be thankful I started writing again, okay??
Alright...
Calm...
Deep breaths...
Tomorrow is my first day off, did I tell you? Oh yeah, I did...wow...
Need my rest, I think.
Another time then...
Love...
As you also may or may not know (same rules apply), I'm working in the dish-pit. In other words, I get to spend eight hours a day washing away what all the spoiled rich people who come to the resort decide they don't want to eat.
And ouch, was that a little harsh? Maybe, maybe, moving on...
Or actually, let's back up a little, shall we?
Last year, must have been summer, hanging out with my friend Johanna (don't pronounce the 'h' please!), and she was saying how she didn't really want to spend another summer at home. College gives you a sense of freedom, I suppose, and at our age, maybe it's about time we get out, right? So we started thinking, started planning...and found ourselves (plus her boyfriend Jordan, nice kid, strange, but like I said, nice), sending in applications to work at Xanterra Parks & Resorts in Yellowstone. And crazy enough, we all get in, which is first, yay, and second, YAY, and third...
I'm babbling, aren't I?
Anyway, cut the story short, just over a week ago, we set out from our 'home base' of Minnesota, and camped in the Badlands, the Black Hills, and just outside of Yellowstone before arriving for orientation and training on the 10th. Things are simple enough, we're all in the same dorm, Jo and I share the same room, and we're making friends everywhere we go, and when I get my first day off tomorrow, I just might (MIGHT) do a little hiking. Not sure where I'll go, but I'm going, and, oops, going to take my FIRST picture from this entire trip.
Lame, yeah, but I'm so not interested in pictures of monuments and memorials and really, the Badlands aren't all that cool, okay? Been there, done that...I do regret no pictures in the Black Hills, but I'm sure I'll be back another time.
As to the actual work I'm doing, let me tell ya...not all it's cracked up to be. We have burns and pains and broken glass, and ooh, pretty, but ouch, cuz I need to get a bright turquoise bandaid. I'm a bit clumsy, but working on it, and doing okay, getting more common sense, but sometimes, it's hard to stay sane doing the same thing for eight hours, so I try to alleviate my boredom in certain ways...
Ahem...
Singing any song that comes into my head, for instance. The Beach Boys, Relient K, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Spice Girls, the Beatles, Aerosmith, Britney Spears, anything from Disney's The Princess & The Frog...okay, so clearly anything goes, right? And if I hear someone else singing something (rare, but it happens), that song will be stuck. Or if they say something that happens to be a line from a song, then that will be stuck. And sometimes it gets repetitive, and so I think to myself, when I'm done, I'll listen to something else on my computer and all will be awesome...only then I put on classical piano, and guess what? No words!! Duh...
Today I was particularly enchanted by the bubbles in the sink. Bubbles are awesome, one of my favorite things, and how can you not agree when there's a rainbow in EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE??? Cool, right? And so I scoop some into my hand, admire them a moment, and then...CLAP!! And bubbles everywhere. Most think I'm crazy, but the girls seem to understand. And today, also, we had a 'bubble incident' as well, but totally not my fault!! We use this white fusion detergent, and we ran out while I was on break, and some chucklehead said to use the purple fusion (which is really about the coolest shade of purple in the world, to be honest), but I noticed, after awhile when I came back that things were starting to...um...overflow? And I mean like whoa...bubbles ALL OVER...and how come I'm the only one to pay attention? Gee...but yeah, so we had a little fun with the bubbles, but then had to drain the machine, rinse it out, find the right detergent, and let it cycle a bit to make sure the bubbles went away, because our glassware was becoming a little spotty and not so pretty...haha...but lovely fun, anyway, and I was kind of glad for the excuse to put everything on hold for a bit.
Did I mention it's EIGHT HOURS of washing DISHES?
And yeah, okay, I know I'm rambling, but I feel it's okay, because you know what? It's been forever, and though none of you show it or say anything, I'm sure you've missed my randomness, so be thankful I started writing again, okay??
Alright...
Calm...
Deep breaths...
Tomorrow is my first day off, did I tell you? Oh yeah, I did...wow...
Need my rest, I think.
Another time then...
Love...
Monday, May 10, 2010
Another Monday...
But different.
Why?
No school!!!
No English, no History, no nothing...
Ah...
And yet...
I miss it already...
It's weird being home...
And contrary to popular belief, there is NOT more snack-food here than at school...
Sigh...
With the exception of a few cookies for Dad, Mom's kind of been on a healthy kick for the last how long? and so there's not much that can appease my sweet tooth and other cravings...though amazing, there is ice cream, so perhaps...huh...
It's also kind of chilly here, and it tweaks me out, cuz, hello, what month is it? May? Right, just checking...but it was snowing in Billings when I left, so perhaps it's better here, since it's only been raining. Though that drives me crazy, too, because it's a cold rain. I'm convinced the only place that has warm rain is Omaha. I could play in the rain all I want, and all I'd end up as is soaking wet. But come to the 'Great State of Minnesota' (gag me) and not only am I soaking wet, I'm FREEZING as well...gee, take the fun out of puddles, why don't ya?
But wait a minute, wait a minute...
I'm twenty-two, going on twenty-three...
Girls my age...
Wait...
Women my age do not jump in puddles.
Well, damn.
Ah, the joys of growing up, haha...
So clearly I made it home in one piece...though I swear I was hallucinating that last hour...and then I found the perfect song to keep me awake.
I been around the world in the pouring rain
Feeling outta place n feeling strange
Take me to a place where they know my name
Where EVERYONE knows my name...
And yeah, the bouncing beat kept me going, and I took some video, but well, it may be used as evidence for wreckless driving, so I'm afraid I can't publish it, but simply imagine my crazy bouncy dancing...inside a car...behind the wheel...and remind yourself to never let me drive with your kids in the backseat!! Haha...
Despite that, though, I found myself pulling up the drive around two am, and I've spent the last few days unpacking, doing laundry, and making sure my friends know I'm home...
And apparently I have a lot more friends than I thought, because quite literally everyone wants to see me...yay? But not so much as well, because the time is so short, and how am I going to fit it all in without going crazy or bankrupt or...but, well, wait just a minute. And realize that you'll be waiting an extra two weeks before you go off to your summer job in Yellowstone...
(How is it, being an English major, I can let myself get away with person change? Keep it first, keep it second, keep it third, but don't mix and match!!)
But anyway, there is time, more than I thought, so I'm going to make it all work, and I will strive to keep my sanity throughout...
...
And pray that the nightmares are only this bad because I'm in a 'new place' and that will fade within the week back to the regular run-of-the-mill nightmares I've grown to love, haha...
So, it's Monday, and I'm excited and tired and wondering what to do...
Any ideas for a starting point?
Why?
No school!!!
No English, no History, no nothing...
Ah...
And yet...
I miss it already...
It's weird being home...
And contrary to popular belief, there is NOT more snack-food here than at school...
Sigh...
With the exception of a few cookies for Dad, Mom's kind of been on a healthy kick for the last how long? and so there's not much that can appease my sweet tooth and other cravings...though amazing, there is ice cream, so perhaps...huh...
It's also kind of chilly here, and it tweaks me out, cuz, hello, what month is it? May? Right, just checking...but it was snowing in Billings when I left, so perhaps it's better here, since it's only been raining. Though that drives me crazy, too, because it's a cold rain. I'm convinced the only place that has warm rain is Omaha. I could play in the rain all I want, and all I'd end up as is soaking wet. But come to the 'Great State of Minnesota' (gag me) and not only am I soaking wet, I'm FREEZING as well...gee, take the fun out of puddles, why don't ya?
But wait a minute, wait a minute...
I'm twenty-two, going on twenty-three...
Girls my age...
Wait...
Women my age do not jump in puddles.
Well, damn.
Ah, the joys of growing up, haha...
So clearly I made it home in one piece...though I swear I was hallucinating that last hour...and then I found the perfect song to keep me awake.
I been around the world in the pouring rain
Feeling outta place n feeling strange
Take me to a place where they know my name
Where EVERYONE knows my name...
And yeah, the bouncing beat kept me going, and I took some video, but well, it may be used as evidence for wreckless driving, so I'm afraid I can't publish it, but simply imagine my crazy bouncy dancing...inside a car...behind the wheel...and remind yourself to never let me drive with your kids in the backseat!! Haha...
Despite that, though, I found myself pulling up the drive around two am, and I've spent the last few days unpacking, doing laundry, and making sure my friends know I'm home...
And apparently I have a lot more friends than I thought, because quite literally everyone wants to see me...yay? But not so much as well, because the time is so short, and how am I going to fit it all in without going crazy or bankrupt or...but, well, wait just a minute. And realize that you'll be waiting an extra two weeks before you go off to your summer job in Yellowstone...
(How is it, being an English major, I can let myself get away with person change? Keep it first, keep it second, keep it third, but don't mix and match!!)
But anyway, there is time, more than I thought, so I'm going to make it all work, and I will strive to keep my sanity throughout...
...
And pray that the nightmares are only this bad because I'm in a 'new place' and that will fade within the week back to the regular run-of-the-mill nightmares I've grown to love, haha...
So, it's Monday, and I'm excited and tired and wondering what to do...
Any ideas for a starting point?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Lookie lookie!!
My friend wrote me a poem!!!
It's kind of epic, I think...
But, hey, Tansy, if you want to see a photo, get your butt on Facebook and check out my 'artistic' file!!
Lol though she described it quite nicely, I thought...
Anyway...
So I'd like to say "If you're in the area tonight..."
Only none of you are!!
Geez...
But, well...
Tonight I'm performing in a short skit called "Children in Their Own Write," which takes letters and interview from Bill Adler, Art Linkletter, Shari Lewis, etc, and we put them into a fun little format, and I'm the only female of the group, and it should be really fun and goofy...
And I'm kind of nervous.
I mean, the last time I did something like this was in seventh grade?
Ancient history, my friend...
But, well, I'm sure it'll be great, and I'm really glad for the opportunity, glad that my friend asked for help (it's part of his senior project), and I'm glad it's tonight, because I can't wait for it to be over...haha...
Also, um...
I want to come back to school next fall.
But, um...
I really suck.
I tried...
And I failed...
And I tried to unfail...
And, um, not so good...
I really thought I was okay...
But I really suck...
Forgive me, friends and family, for not living up to expectations...
Just cuz I'm smart doesn't mean I'm not stupid...
I really want to come back...
But, well, I've got this summer job thing, so I could save that for tuition, and I can get a loan probably, so...yeah...we'll see, right? We'll see...
Anyway, happy Saturday, and hope you're all having a great day!!
Love ya...
It's kind of epic, I think...
But, hey, Tansy, if you want to see a photo, get your butt on Facebook and check out my 'artistic' file!!
Lol though she described it quite nicely, I thought...
Anyway...
So I'd like to say "If you're in the area tonight..."
Only none of you are!!
Geez...
But, well...
Tonight I'm performing in a short skit called "Children in Their Own Write," which takes letters and interview from Bill Adler, Art Linkletter, Shari Lewis, etc, and we put them into a fun little format, and I'm the only female of the group, and it should be really fun and goofy...
And I'm kind of nervous.
I mean, the last time I did something like this was in seventh grade?
Ancient history, my friend...
But, well, I'm sure it'll be great, and I'm really glad for the opportunity, glad that my friend asked for help (it's part of his senior project), and I'm glad it's tonight, because I can't wait for it to be over...haha...
Also, um...
I want to come back to school next fall.
But, um...
I really suck.
I tried...
And I failed...
And I tried to unfail...
And, um, not so good...
I really thought I was okay...
But I really suck...
Forgive me, friends and family, for not living up to expectations...
Just cuz I'm smart doesn't mean I'm not stupid...
I really want to come back...
But, well, I've got this summer job thing, so I could save that for tuition, and I can get a loan probably, so...yeah...we'll see, right? We'll see...
Anyway, happy Saturday, and hope you're all having a great day!!
Love ya...
Friday, April 30, 2010
The view from my window...
Is, okay, not the greatest...
That is to say, it's been dreary all day, not a lick of sunshine, and I haven't seen the football team for at least a week...sadness!! Haha...
But seriously...
I was up until...whenever it was...the other day...and I was writing something (probably not the paper I was supposed to be working on), and I happened to glance toward the window...
And made a frantic search for my camera while trying not to wake up my roommate next door...
God's kind of awesome, isn't he?
Hope you're all enjoying life...
Lord knows I'm trying...
That is to say, it's been dreary all day, not a lick of sunshine, and I haven't seen the football team for at least a week...sadness!! Haha...
But seriously...
I was up until...whenever it was...the other day...and I was writing something (probably not the paper I was supposed to be working on), and I happened to glance toward the window...
And made a frantic search for my camera while trying not to wake up my roommate next door...
God's kind of awesome, isn't he?
Hope you're all enjoying life...Lord knows I'm trying...
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