Because I write too much, Jessie said I can't write again for a week or so...
But, well, here I am and it's only been a few days...
Your plans will not work on me!
I have defeated the time that keeps me away from the internet!
Or something...
So, it's been brought to my attention that certain people who read my blog think I'm a little nuts...
You know what I say to that?
Do you?
Thank you.
I enjoy my randomness and weirdness and, yes, nuttiness, and if I didn't have it, I don't think I'd be able to make it through the day...
So, Liberty is obsessed with brushing hair at the moment, which isn't all bad, except that instead of using a normal brush, she uses one for a doll that's about two inches long, if that.
Doesn't exactly work.
But she's happy and excited, and even if her hair doesn't turn out the greatest, that's all we can really ask for, isn't it?
It snowed last night.
Weird, yeah...
And it's still there today.
Even weirder.
But don't worry, Nebraska won't let us down.
It'll melt tomorrow.
Is that crazy or what?\
Jessie's in a bit of pain today...I heard her crying this morning...but she's got a pretty decent attitude --curse words inluded, of course-- and she's doing all right at least...
Plus, her doctor's off to Pittsburgh for the game and won't be back til Monday morning, so she's gotta wait, anyway, if she wants him...
You can do it, Jessie!
I believe in you!
(And if it helps, you can slap me a few times today and this weekend, if you like)
Umm...
The only other significant thing in my life right now is that I started my period today...
Lucky Eric gets TWO hormonal females in the house this week, haha...
Hope all's well with the rest of you...
Love,
Emma
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Home Alone...
But I don't mind, cuz Jessie gave me a bunch of dishes to do...
Or something like that, lol...
I'm about midway through, but I'm out of room, and I can't find a towel to hand-dry, so I'm letting them air-dry before I put them away and start on part two.
I'm also taking this time to do some of my laundry, which has been piling up in the second bathroom...kind of awkward having bras and panties in plain view, especially if we have company.
Hooray for laundry!
So I've been talking to this kid on MySpace, he's twenty-three and lives in Tokyo, and I don't know his real name, I don't think he knows mine, and I'm not even sure if he speaks English or just uses a translator program...but he seems pretty cool, and we've been going back and forth the last week, little tidbits about each other, and it's kind of fun. I mean, normally I hold to the whole 'Don't Talk to Strangers' thing, but he had this awesome cartoon picture of Twilight on his profile, and because I'm working off of Jessie's computer, I couldn't save the picture, so I asked to be his friend instead, just to keep it...but he started talking to me, I talked back, and, well, looks like I've got a friend. Weird...
But here's what I know about him:
1. He works in a movie theater, though I don't know if it's management or not.
2. He likes Linkin Park.
3. He's seen the Twilight movie four times.
4. His grandparents died a long time ago.
5. He has one sister, and still lives at home, both parents in residence.
6. He likes to watch tv, listen to music, and hang out with his friends.
7. When I said I love to read (and I went on about it a bit), his response was 'Reading is cool.'
8. He likes to clean, too.
And that's what I know so far, but, well, it's enough for me right now...my next question is if his sister is older or younger, though if she still lives at home, and he's twenty-three and lives at home, unless tradition's weird there, she's probably younger...
I've got another favorite song...
"I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Battistelli
'I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go'
Well, at least I'm trying...
Or something like that, lol...
I'm about midway through, but I'm out of room, and I can't find a towel to hand-dry, so I'm letting them air-dry before I put them away and start on part two.
I'm also taking this time to do some of my laundry, which has been piling up in the second bathroom...kind of awkward having bras and panties in plain view, especially if we have company.
Hooray for laundry!
So I've been talking to this kid on MySpace, he's twenty-three and lives in Tokyo, and I don't know his real name, I don't think he knows mine, and I'm not even sure if he speaks English or just uses a translator program...but he seems pretty cool, and we've been going back and forth the last week, little tidbits about each other, and it's kind of fun. I mean, normally I hold to the whole 'Don't Talk to Strangers' thing, but he had this awesome cartoon picture of Twilight on his profile, and because I'm working off of Jessie's computer, I couldn't save the picture, so I asked to be his friend instead, just to keep it...but he started talking to me, I talked back, and, well, looks like I've got a friend. Weird...
But here's what I know about him:
1. He works in a movie theater, though I don't know if it's management or not.
2. He likes Linkin Park.
3. He's seen the Twilight movie four times.
4. His grandparents died a long time ago.
5. He has one sister, and still lives at home, both parents in residence.
6. He likes to watch tv, listen to music, and hang out with his friends.
7. When I said I love to read (and I went on about it a bit), his response was 'Reading is cool.'
8. He likes to clean, too.
And that's what I know so far, but, well, it's enough for me right now...my next question is if his sister is older or younger, though if she still lives at home, and he's twenty-three and lives at home, unless tradition's weird there, she's probably younger...
I've got another favorite song...
"I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Battistelli
'I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go'
Well, at least I'm trying...
I Can't Concentrate...
'Enthusiasm is a telescope that yanks the misty, distant future intothe radiant, tangible present.'
This was at the bottom of my friend's email, I'm not sure if it's something he wrote or not, but it sounded kind of funky...though I have to admit I don't quite get it...
Maybe it's the cold that's seeping through my body.
If you read my sister's blog, you may know that we're experiencing a heatwave here in Hicktown, Nebraska, of forty degrees, and they say it's going to be warmer tomorrow...
Well, I've been going a little stir-crazy, I don't know if it's that I'm used to being on the go, from one job to another to another, but tonight, about ten-thirty-ish, I asked my brother where the park was, and I went out, and played on the swing-set for half an hour or so. I had my cd player filled with Christmas music, which, if anyone heard me singing, they probably thought I was crazy, and I waved at the few cars that passed by --proof there IS some type of traffic here!-- and then I got bored with the swings, so I ended up dancing to "Wonderful Christmastime" sung by Demi Lovato, and about halfway through, I did one of my fun spin things, and saw a truck sssllloooowwwllyy driving by...I think they were watching me, but at that point, I didn't care, I was just happy to be out and about and I was having the time of my life...
And then I decided to switch cds and realized that the temperature had dropped...either that, or my heat from being inside the last few days had worn off. So it's back inside I go...
But even an hour later, I'm still cold, and I only hope the hot chocolate kicks in soon...
But, man, I really needed that bit of outside, and I think I'm going to do a repeat tomorrow...except maybe dig up some gloves or something, lol...
This was at the bottom of my friend's email, I'm not sure if it's something he wrote or not, but it sounded kind of funky...though I have to admit I don't quite get it...
Maybe it's the cold that's seeping through my body.
If you read my sister's blog, you may know that we're experiencing a heatwave here in Hicktown, Nebraska, of forty degrees, and they say it's going to be warmer tomorrow...
Well, I've been going a little stir-crazy, I don't know if it's that I'm used to being on the go, from one job to another to another, but tonight, about ten-thirty-ish, I asked my brother where the park was, and I went out, and played on the swing-set for half an hour or so. I had my cd player filled with Christmas music, which, if anyone heard me singing, they probably thought I was crazy, and I waved at the few cars that passed by --proof there IS some type of traffic here!-- and then I got bored with the swings, so I ended up dancing to "Wonderful Christmastime" sung by Demi Lovato, and about halfway through, I did one of my fun spin things, and saw a truck sssllloooowwwllyy driving by...I think they were watching me, but at that point, I didn't care, I was just happy to be out and about and I was having the time of my life...
And then I decided to switch cds and realized that the temperature had dropped...either that, or my heat from being inside the last few days had worn off. So it's back inside I go...
But even an hour later, I'm still cold, and I only hope the hot chocolate kicks in soon...
But, man, I really needed that bit of outside, and I think I'm going to do a repeat tomorrow...except maybe dig up some gloves or something, lol...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Strange Relations...
'In her mind she saw a long stretch of sun-scorched sand spreading bleak and empty before her. She had so much--her job, her friends--but all she could see was the barren sand.'
I have my moments, and believe me, Glitter Baby, I can relate...
But, other than a slight twinge after reading it, I think I'm pretty good.
Time heals all wounds?
Or maybe I'm just better at ignoring the pain...isn't that what you're supposed to do to something annoying that won't go away?
We're doing a little spring clean-up here, throwing out toys, mostly, and then, once that's done, we're vacuuming EVERYTHING...or at least most everything in the living room. I hope Liberty doesn't freak out over any favorite toys...back to work!
I have my moments, and believe me, Glitter Baby, I can relate...
But, other than a slight twinge after reading it, I think I'm pretty good.
Time heals all wounds?
Or maybe I'm just better at ignoring the pain...isn't that what you're supposed to do to something annoying that won't go away?
We're doing a little spring clean-up here, throwing out toys, mostly, and then, once that's done, we're vacuuming EVERYTHING...or at least most everything in the living room. I hope Liberty doesn't freak out over any favorite toys...back to work!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Running out of Options, so we Repeat...
Liberty likes to watch movies. Even midway through the first movie, she'll have another picked out. It's hard to say no sometimes, but you know you have to in order to preserve your sanity. But, I've found that she's also quite willing to watch something I picked out as well --is it because I have good taste or does she like me that much?-- and Jessie admits to not having censored their movies, so I don't really have to worry about it being scary, like "The Nightmare Before Christmas," or being a little violent, like "Walking Tall." However, today, I'm just not in the mood to pore over the many titles my sister has to offer, so I'm letting her take over, and she picked "Monsters, Inc" which, if I'm not much mistaken, we've already watched two times over the last few days.
Do I regret letting her make the choice?
Not necessarily...
Am I sick of the movie, yet?
Not really...
Do I want to turn it off anyway?
Yes, actually, I do...
But she's just so happy watching it, and she gets so into it, I can't bear to have her crying at me...
Is this bad parenting or not? I'm really not sure...but no one can really complain, because she's dressed, she's fed, she's HAPPY. Isn't that what counts?
Time to do a few dishes... :)
Do I regret letting her make the choice?
Not necessarily...
Am I sick of the movie, yet?
Not really...
Do I want to turn it off anyway?
Yes, actually, I do...
But she's just so happy watching it, and she gets so into it, I can't bear to have her crying at me...
Is this bad parenting or not? I'm really not sure...but no one can really complain, because she's dressed, she's fed, she's HAPPY. Isn't that what counts?
Time to do a few dishes... :)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The House Rules...
Okay, so, really, at this point, there's only one, and it was just made today, cuz I have an unfortuante habit of, well...
Rule #1
Do not mention the name James AT ALL while hear, upon threat of being hit in the nose.
That's not a joke. Jessie says this month is supposed to be a relaxed, happy time, which, on the one hand it is, on the other hand...not so much. I'm better during the day, it's just when I shut my eyes...I've been taking small naps in order to catch up on sleep, and even as small as they are, somehow there's time enough for a dream, and guess who's there?
(I can't tell you because I don't wanna get hit, haha)
Maybe it's the fact that my schedule's mixed up. I mean, I went from a seventy-hour work-week to nothing, so...although the dishes did take me about an hour yesterday. One down, sixty-nine to go!! But, no, I'm okay, and life is groovy and all...and I'm excited because, as Jessie said...
TEN DAYS
TEN DAYS
TEN DAYS!!!
(She may have said it one more time, idk)
That's exciting though, isn't it?
Oh, and I bought a book...I know, for shame on me, but it's one of my favorite authors, Susan Elizabeth Phillips, so I had to...or I THOUGHT I had to anyway...so I'll get lost in that.
Also, I've managed to work on my stories --did I mention this before?-- and the ones I picked are coming along quite nicely...sometimes I'm amazed at how good I am...
:P
My only real complaint today?
It's cold outside!!!
And no snow in site...
Bummer...
Hope all is well with the rest of you, love you all and thanks for your good wishes and prayers!!
Rule #1
Do not mention the name James AT ALL while hear, upon threat of being hit in the nose.
That's not a joke. Jessie says this month is supposed to be a relaxed, happy time, which, on the one hand it is, on the other hand...not so much. I'm better during the day, it's just when I shut my eyes...I've been taking small naps in order to catch up on sleep, and even as small as they are, somehow there's time enough for a dream, and guess who's there?
(I can't tell you because I don't wanna get hit, haha)
Maybe it's the fact that my schedule's mixed up. I mean, I went from a seventy-hour work-week to nothing, so...although the dishes did take me about an hour yesterday. One down, sixty-nine to go!! But, no, I'm okay, and life is groovy and all...and I'm excited because, as Jessie said...
TEN DAYS
TEN DAYS
TEN DAYS!!!
(She may have said it one more time, idk)
That's exciting though, isn't it?
Oh, and I bought a book...I know, for shame on me, but it's one of my favorite authors, Susan Elizabeth Phillips, so I had to...or I THOUGHT I had to anyway...so I'll get lost in that.
Also, I've managed to work on my stories --did I mention this before?-- and the ones I picked are coming along quite nicely...sometimes I'm amazed at how good I am...
:P
My only real complaint today?
It's cold outside!!!
And no snow in site...
Bummer...
Hope all is well with the rest of you, love you all and thanks for your good wishes and prayers!!
Friday, January 2, 2009
I Do It to Myself...
So, in a few days, I'll 'celebrate' the one-month anniversary of my being single.
Stupid, and I know Mom says I really need to stop keeping track of dates, cuz that's what really hurts me...Did you know that February officially sucks because of dates? But, well, I can't seem to stop, and so if I happen to look at a calendar, or be in one of those strange phases where I'm actually keeping track of the date, I'll be depressed for at least half the day before I slap myself and snap out of it. I don't know why I do it, maybe I like being miserable, but I don't, really, so why...?
I have this playlist on my MySpace, this new thing where you can put ten of your favorite songs on your profile page, not that anyone would actually be on your page long enough to listen to it all, but it's the thought that counts, right? Anyway, so initially, it was just these fun songs I'd been hearing on the radio lately, or something my sister introduced me to, whatever, and it was pretty cool. But the other day I started thinking about this song, it's called 'Suga, Suga' by Baby Bash, it's actually a sort of hip-hop/R&B/rap -type song, which I normally don't like, but I listened to it one time with James, and he came up behind me, put his arms around me, started swaying me back and forth, and sang softly in my ear...well, it's the only time I found myself liking that song, and I haven't listened to it since, but I looked it up and decided to put it on my playlist. Shortly after, I added "Destination Calabria" with Alex Guadino and Crystal Waters, a song that's a blast to listen to, and the music video is a little more flirtatious than maybe it should be, but it's great and we must have had that song on in his truck at least 75% of the time, if not more. Then I looked up "Fever for the Flava" by Hot Action Cop, a totally crude rude and unacceptable song that I somehow found myself liking...even as I was disgusted by the music video...probably because he introduced me to it, idk...I stopped myself from adding any more songs that I related to him, only because I realized that the other songs, even if we'd never heard them together, somehow reminded me of him anyway.
I also found myself going on his Facebook profile today, as we are still friends on that, even though we haven't talked in a month...
How do you spell PATHETIC??
It's okay, though...
I've got a new favorite song, which, yeah, brings him up, but it's good...
"Fine" by Jaymes Reunion
'You never really loved until you watch it fall apart
And you never really lived until you felt like you can die
And you never really stood until the weight has pushed you over
Your pickin up the pieces just to find
Your doin just fine'
Really, I am.
Stupid, and I know Mom says I really need to stop keeping track of dates, cuz that's what really hurts me...Did you know that February officially sucks because of dates? But, well, I can't seem to stop, and so if I happen to look at a calendar, or be in one of those strange phases where I'm actually keeping track of the date, I'll be depressed for at least half the day before I slap myself and snap out of it. I don't know why I do it, maybe I like being miserable, but I don't, really, so why...?
I have this playlist on my MySpace, this new thing where you can put ten of your favorite songs on your profile page, not that anyone would actually be on your page long enough to listen to it all, but it's the thought that counts, right? Anyway, so initially, it was just these fun songs I'd been hearing on the radio lately, or something my sister introduced me to, whatever, and it was pretty cool. But the other day I started thinking about this song, it's called 'Suga, Suga' by Baby Bash, it's actually a sort of hip-hop/R&B/rap -type song, which I normally don't like, but I listened to it one time with James, and he came up behind me, put his arms around me, started swaying me back and forth, and sang softly in my ear...well, it's the only time I found myself liking that song, and I haven't listened to it since, but I looked it up and decided to put it on my playlist. Shortly after, I added "Destination Calabria" with Alex Guadino and Crystal Waters, a song that's a blast to listen to, and the music video is a little more flirtatious than maybe it should be, but it's great and we must have had that song on in his truck at least 75% of the time, if not more. Then I looked up "Fever for the Flava" by Hot Action Cop, a totally crude rude and unacceptable song that I somehow found myself liking...even as I was disgusted by the music video...probably because he introduced me to it, idk...I stopped myself from adding any more songs that I related to him, only because I realized that the other songs, even if we'd never heard them together, somehow reminded me of him anyway.
I also found myself going on his Facebook profile today, as we are still friends on that, even though we haven't talked in a month...
How do you spell PATHETIC??
It's okay, though...
I've got a new favorite song, which, yeah, brings him up, but it's good...
"Fine" by Jaymes Reunion
'You never really loved until you watch it fall apart
And you never really lived until you felt like you can die
And you never really stood until the weight has pushed you over
Your pickin up the pieces just to find
Your doin just fine'
Really, I am.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Just another lazy-day afternoon...
So, having stayed up late, not to celebrate the day, but to watch a movie --lame or what?-- I didn't get out of bed...or off the couch, that is...until about two this afternoon. And though it's not too far later, can you believe I'm tired already? I'm not sure if it's the whole small-town feel or what, but I just feel so...lazy...maybe a little bored...though I was working on a story or two, so not too much so there...but I feel like I can't get anything done. I'm thinking I'm going through work-withdrawal...I work EVERY SINGLE DAY normally, and yet, due to my vacation, I haven't since the 27th...that's what, four, five days? And already I miss it...wow...
Anyway, so it seems the family isn't well today, myself included. We're all a little cranky, a little headache-y, and I at least have a horrible cough that burns...ouch...but, because I'm trying to be smart and healthy and take care of myself, I found a solution that will actually help my sister...at least in that her house won't be so cluttered. I'm going to finish off a couple bottles of Xango over the next month, and since she's got like fifty of them...maybe only thirty...I'll have to count, but well, needless to say, she'll be happy. And hopefully my body will be too. :)
I keep staring at my fingernails, wondering what color to do...on my right hand, as the left was painted pink and green yesterday. Should I do the same? Or something different? We all know I'm crazy enough to get away with it, ha ha...I was thinking black and silver...but then again I'm really crushing on this blue I've got, too...choices, choices...
I absolutely LOVE the song "So What" by Pink...it's sort of an obsession the last few weeks...it brings me up, it brings me down, and I like it to the point where I took the time to listen to all the words, and I made a dance for it...I remember a few weeks back, I was working late at the restaurant and it came on, and, since there were no customers, I turned the volume way up, and jumped up on the counter...it was awesome, though my manager thought I was crazy, but such is life...
I'm doing just fine.
Thanks for listening to my randomness...
Anyway, so it seems the family isn't well today, myself included. We're all a little cranky, a little headache-y, and I at least have a horrible cough that burns...ouch...but, because I'm trying to be smart and healthy and take care of myself, I found a solution that will actually help my sister...at least in that her house won't be so cluttered. I'm going to finish off a couple bottles of Xango over the next month, and since she's got like fifty of them...maybe only thirty...I'll have to count, but well, needless to say, she'll be happy. And hopefully my body will be too. :)
I keep staring at my fingernails, wondering what color to do...on my right hand, as the left was painted pink and green yesterday. Should I do the same? Or something different? We all know I'm crazy enough to get away with it, ha ha...I was thinking black and silver...but then again I'm really crushing on this blue I've got, too...choices, choices...
I absolutely LOVE the song "So What" by Pink...it's sort of an obsession the last few weeks...it brings me up, it brings me down, and I like it to the point where I took the time to listen to all the words, and I made a dance for it...I remember a few weeks back, I was working late at the restaurant and it came on, and, since there were no customers, I turned the volume way up, and jumped up on the counter...it was awesome, though my manager thought I was crazy, but such is life...
I'm doing just fine.
Thanks for listening to my randomness...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Hard to believe it's 2009...
I'll be twenty-two...
Life's no fun after twenty-one!!
So I better live while I can, haha...
Anyway, so I'm wishing you all the best, and I'm thinking about resolutions and all, so here's a start...
1. Read all my books.
Can I do it? I hope, but we'll see...just don't let me buy anymore!!!
(I'd rather get them as presents lol)
2. Pay off all my bills.
This is totally doable. I'll be free of the large ones by April I'm sure and then all I'll worry about is the phone and insurance...easy!!
3. Stop wasting money.
So I've been better at keeping track of what I spend, and so I'm a lot more aware of how 'Wow' my spending habits...but I keep spending. Anybody else realize how 'ouch' things get when Mommy and Daddy stop paying for things?
4. Be nicer to my family.
Okay so this'll be a hard one, but I really LIKE my family, so it's worth it.
5. Take better care of myself.
Eat healthy, BE healthy...no more junk!!
6.
Okay, so I can't think of anything else, but at this point, I think I can stick with this and be good. :)
As I said, wishing you all the best...
Love,
Emma
I'll be twenty-two...
Life's no fun after twenty-one!!
So I better live while I can, haha...
Anyway, so I'm wishing you all the best, and I'm thinking about resolutions and all, so here's a start...
1. Read all my books.
Can I do it? I hope, but we'll see...just don't let me buy anymore!!!
(I'd rather get them as presents lol)
2. Pay off all my bills.
This is totally doable. I'll be free of the large ones by April I'm sure and then all I'll worry about is the phone and insurance...easy!!
3. Stop wasting money.
So I've been better at keeping track of what I spend, and so I'm a lot more aware of how 'Wow' my spending habits...but I keep spending. Anybody else realize how 'ouch' things get when Mommy and Daddy stop paying for things?
4. Be nicer to my family.
Okay so this'll be a hard one, but I really LIKE my family, so it's worth it.
5. Take better care of myself.
Eat healthy, BE healthy...no more junk!!
6.
Okay, so I can't think of anything else, but at this point, I think I can stick with this and be good. :)
As I said, wishing you all the best...
Love,
Emma
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Having been blasted out of my own little world...
I'd like to apologize for thinking it's all about me.
While I was dating James, I kind of lost touch with the outside world, friends and family alike.
Now that I've found time, I just caught up on blogs, from my sister, my brother-in-law, my cousin Beth, and I'll have to find time for the rest of my friends as well.
But reading all these, hearing about their worries and hardtimes, and triumphs, too, it's not all bad, made me realize just how selfish I've been.
And it makes me feel bad dumping all my sadness and depression on you all.
Not to say I'll stop, because I think we all need an outlet for all of our junk.
But it's sort of given me another outlook, and I'm thinking, "Hey, it's not all bad, there's more to life than this, and if you think you've got it bad, don't worry, someone else has it worse." And so, though I'm sure I'll have more freakouts, more breakdowns, more "Can this girl sound any more suicidal?" blogs (not that I am, but sometimes...), I'll try to be more upbeat about it, find the bright in the darkness, and learn to laugh a little more, so maybe I can share, and make you laugh, make you smile instead of asking you to put so much effort into doing the same for me.
Thanks for putting up with me.
I love you all,
Emma
While I was dating James, I kind of lost touch with the outside world, friends and family alike.
Now that I've found time, I just caught up on blogs, from my sister, my brother-in-law, my cousin Beth, and I'll have to find time for the rest of my friends as well.
But reading all these, hearing about their worries and hardtimes, and triumphs, too, it's not all bad, made me realize just how selfish I've been.
And it makes me feel bad dumping all my sadness and depression on you all.
Not to say I'll stop, because I think we all need an outlet for all of our junk.
But it's sort of given me another outlook, and I'm thinking, "Hey, it's not all bad, there's more to life than this, and if you think you've got it bad, don't worry, someone else has it worse." And so, though I'm sure I'll have more freakouts, more breakdowns, more "Can this girl sound any more suicidal?" blogs (not that I am, but sometimes...), I'll try to be more upbeat about it, find the bright in the darkness, and learn to laugh a little more, so maybe I can share, and make you laugh, make you smile instead of asking you to put so much effort into doing the same for me.
Thanks for putting up with me.
I love you all,
Emma
Theory of a Dead Man says "I Hate My Life"
I'm not quite to that point. :)
Do you ever hear music that totally makes your day...but then makes you want to bawl your eyes out?
I've got a couple of those songs goin' right now...
"At Least We Made It This Far" by Relient K
"Fine" by Jaymes Reunion
"God In This Moment" by Gavin Mikhail
"Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell -- think "Twilight" soundtrack
"Tell Me Baby" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
And, of course, several others but I don't know all there names or have the inclination to find out at this point...
So, I hit a bit of a low point this morning.
I had some dreams, I call them nightmares, but it's only a nightmare that I wake up from the confusion and chaos I sleep with. Which is rather awkward, considering that it's not the recent ex I dreamed about but the first...though the recent was there early on, but for some reason about midway through the dreaming process I switched...but I'm thinking, the reason I preferred the switch over not is that thinking of one is less painful than thinking of the other. Not that I relish the confusion, exactly, but it's easier to handle than waking up in pain, jolted from a faded fantasy, trying not to cry because I don't want to wake anyone up when I inadvertently turn up the volume.
Anyway, so I wrote a poem, then, on my MySpace blog...it's actually quite good, if you get past the whole depression thing, haha...and I was going to make you look for it, but I think I'll be kind and put it right here, if you'll wait just a moment...
[31 Dec 2008 Wednesday]
Just enough to make me wonder...
Current mood: AbMis*
I find it hard to sit
Alone in life's exhibit
The tears pour down
And all around
And I can't wonder why
Is this what it is to die
But I shake it all off
Hide those thoughts in the loft
Of my oh-so-weary mind
That's been cruel to and unkind
For the dreams can't seem to stop
Am I on bottom or on top?
And the funny thing, I know
Is that this entire show
Isn't necessarily about HIM
But rather some silly whim
Of what I'd like to do
To be, to see, and with whom?
And the situation complicates
Making me want to break plates
For it's you and me and they
Can't decide to go or stay
Do you want to play with me?
Or leave me feeling empty
Like a bottle by my bed
I'll stop my aching head
And throw it all out
Even if it makes me shout
Because somehow it seemed
That a single small dream
That could rip me all apart
With one drink didn't start
But just my imagination
The train stops at my station
And it's all even worse
Could my life be cursed?
The sights, the sounds
They're all around
I see his face
In every place
And I get confused
I'm feeling used
This fatal attraction
Might be my last action
But no that's not all
Stories jump out of walls
For there are others as well
And they make time to tell
My dreams what's what
I wish I could shut
Them all off from me
Please just let me be
Get out, GET OUT!
I don't care what you're about!
Just leave me alone!
(I want to go home)
But I sigh because I can't
And it doesn't help to rant
So I'll grab a pen
And maybe then...
But nothing that I write
Seems to leave me whole, not quite
And I wish the silence kept
Before my agile mind leapt
To the only thing that matters
My heart is all in tatters
But my ever-searching mind
Will not stop trying to find
A word that may describe
What's going on inside
Just enough to make me wonder
Would it be better to just go under
Would anybody care?
Would they all sit back and stare?
As if it were a great show?
I think I'd better go...
Before I fall into despair
Oh wait, I'm already there
It is what is is...
I'm feeling 'AbMis.'
*Absolutely Miserable
[9:35 AM]
That's actually a second draft as I lost the first one when I hit a wrong button...go figure...and I almost decided not to write anything...but that made me want to cry more, so...
Feel free to pity me.
God knows I do myself, pathetic as that may be...
But I'm trying.
And I'm sure I'll be fine...
One more song...
"So What" by Pink
Do you ever hear music that totally makes your day...but then makes you want to bawl your eyes out?
I've got a couple of those songs goin' right now...
"At Least We Made It This Far" by Relient K
"Fine" by Jaymes Reunion
"God In This Moment" by Gavin Mikhail
"Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell -- think "Twilight" soundtrack
"Tell Me Baby" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
And, of course, several others but I don't know all there names or have the inclination to find out at this point...
So, I hit a bit of a low point this morning.
I had some dreams, I call them nightmares, but it's only a nightmare that I wake up from the confusion and chaos I sleep with. Which is rather awkward, considering that it's not the recent ex I dreamed about but the first...though the recent was there early on, but for some reason about midway through the dreaming process I switched...but I'm thinking, the reason I preferred the switch over not is that thinking of one is less painful than thinking of the other. Not that I relish the confusion, exactly, but it's easier to handle than waking up in pain, jolted from a faded fantasy, trying not to cry because I don't want to wake anyone up when I inadvertently turn up the volume.
Anyway, so I wrote a poem, then, on my MySpace blog...it's actually quite good, if you get past the whole depression thing, haha...and I was going to make you look for it, but I think I'll be kind and put it right here, if you'll wait just a moment...
[31 Dec 2008 Wednesday]
Just enough to make me wonder...
Current mood: AbMis*
I find it hard to sit
Alone in life's exhibit
The tears pour down
And all around
And I can't wonder why
Is this what it is to die
But I shake it all off
Hide those thoughts in the loft
Of my oh-so-weary mind
That's been cruel to and unkind
For the dreams can't seem to stop
Am I on bottom or on top?
And the funny thing, I know
Is that this entire show
Isn't necessarily about HIM
But rather some silly whim
Of what I'd like to do
To be, to see, and with whom?
And the situation complicates
Making me want to break plates
For it's you and me and they
Can't decide to go or stay
Do you want to play with me?
Or leave me feeling empty
Like a bottle by my bed
I'll stop my aching head
And throw it all out
Even if it makes me shout
Because somehow it seemed
That a single small dream
That could rip me all apart
With one drink didn't start
But just my imagination
The train stops at my station
And it's all even worse
Could my life be cursed?
The sights, the sounds
They're all around
I see his face
In every place
And I get confused
I'm feeling used
This fatal attraction
Might be my last action
But no that's not all
Stories jump out of walls
For there are others as well
And they make time to tell
My dreams what's what
I wish I could shut
Them all off from me
Please just let me be
Get out, GET OUT!
I don't care what you're about!
Just leave me alone!
(I want to go home)
But I sigh because I can't
And it doesn't help to rant
So I'll grab a pen
And maybe then...
But nothing that I write
Seems to leave me whole, not quite
And I wish the silence kept
Before my agile mind leapt
To the only thing that matters
My heart is all in tatters
But my ever-searching mind
Will not stop trying to find
A word that may describe
What's going on inside
Just enough to make me wonder
Would it be better to just go under
Would anybody care?
Would they all sit back and stare?
As if it were a great show?
I think I'd better go...
Before I fall into despair
Oh wait, I'm already there
It is what is is...
I'm feeling 'AbMis.'
*Absolutely Miserable
[9:35 AM]
That's actually a second draft as I lost the first one when I hit a wrong button...go figure...and I almost decided not to write anything...but that made me want to cry more, so...
Feel free to pity me.
God knows I do myself, pathetic as that may be...
But I'm trying.
And I'm sure I'll be fine...
One more song...
"So What" by Pink
Monday, December 29, 2008
On the Road Again...
Happy Holidays to you all...
It's been a busy month...
(Retail sucks!)
(Dry-cleaning sucks!)
(Waitressing sucks!)
Okay, so the first, just cuz I had to stay until four in the morning a few nights to clean up...
The second because it seemed slow until the last half hour when it got super busy and I got out late...
The third because people aren't eating out during the holidays in order to buy presents and such...
But, actually, I love all my jobs, so, well, who cares?
...plus I happen to be lucky enough that I had Christmas off in all three areas...
...that, and they like me enough to let me take a month off...
So I drove down to Nebraska, all by myself, barely getting lost, making GREAT time (eight hours vs. ten), plus I left earlier due to some...complications...n I arrived just after four am this morning.
Ouch.
But I had great music the whole way, n I didn't go off road more than once (!), and after the first two or so hours, I didn't have any issues, no freak-outs, no crying fits, nothing.
A good drive, actually.
And, I figured out why I almost ran out of gas last year when I came down here...
Apparently I didn't stop for gas in Omaha but kept going on to Milligan...
Sometimes I'm such a dummy. =)
I'll be here for about a month, helping out and all, making things easier for Jess n taking care of Liberty and all...I'm totally psyched for the whole thing, actually, and I can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew (for those of you who don't know, despite the fact we're thinkin 'boy,' the nurses actually couldn't tell, one thought 'girl,' the other thought 'boy,' etc.). It's nice to be here for the main event, unlike last time where I didn't mean Berti until Christmas.
Speakin of Berti, it looks like I need to get her cleaned up (think cheesy popcorn!), so I'll end now, but I plan on keepin up with this a lot more, so I'll ttyl...
It's been a busy month...
(Retail sucks!)
(Dry-cleaning sucks!)
(Waitressing sucks!)
Okay, so the first, just cuz I had to stay until four in the morning a few nights to clean up...
The second because it seemed slow until the last half hour when it got super busy and I got out late...
The third because people aren't eating out during the holidays in order to buy presents and such...
But, actually, I love all my jobs, so, well, who cares?
...plus I happen to be lucky enough that I had Christmas off in all three areas...
...that, and they like me enough to let me take a month off...
So I drove down to Nebraska, all by myself, barely getting lost, making GREAT time (eight hours vs. ten), plus I left earlier due to some...complications...n I arrived just after four am this morning.
Ouch.
But I had great music the whole way, n I didn't go off road more than once (!), and after the first two or so hours, I didn't have any issues, no freak-outs, no crying fits, nothing.
A good drive, actually.
And, I figured out why I almost ran out of gas last year when I came down here...
Apparently I didn't stop for gas in Omaha but kept going on to Milligan...
Sometimes I'm such a dummy. =)
I'll be here for about a month, helping out and all, making things easier for Jess n taking care of Liberty and all...I'm totally psyched for the whole thing, actually, and I can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew (for those of you who don't know, despite the fact we're thinkin 'boy,' the nurses actually couldn't tell, one thought 'girl,' the other thought 'boy,' etc.). It's nice to be here for the main event, unlike last time where I didn't mean Berti until Christmas.
Speakin of Berti, it looks like I need to get her cleaned up (think cheesy popcorn!), so I'll end now, but I plan on keepin up with this a lot more, so I'll ttyl...
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Something Like Crazy...
"I'm not your princess
This ain't a fairy-tale..."
Taylor Swift says it so well...
James broke my heart last night.
He sounded so calm and cool while he did so.
Very straight-faced, as well.
And after I thought about it, very logical, too...
Basically, what it amounts to is that there are things I want to do that he's not ready for, and he doesn't think I should have to wait for him to grow up, so...
We're done.
I didn't have the chance to tell him that I'd realized as much as I wanted to settle down and all that jazz, I wasn't ready to be a Mom. I like the title more than the responsibility. And I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I've decided to go back to school, and get some sort of a degree...
But, as frazzled as I was at that point, I couldn't quite explain that to him, and let him know we had a couple years so waiting for him to grow up would be no hardship, and he just sat there, staring at me, calm and cool and...well, suffice to say, I realized his mind was already made up.
So I tried to contain my tears, mostly succeeded, and gave him a hug goodbye...
And hit him, too, for kissing me when he said hello just a little before.
Not that he felt it.
So...
We're done, it looks like.
He said we might get back together, he was leaving that option open...
But even that didn't stop me from nearly screaming with the pain of it as I cried after he left.
Mom tried to be sympathetic, but she's been telling me how he's not right for me, so I think she's a little smug, too...plus she wasn't too enthusiastic about me crawling into bed with her at one in the morning so I'd stop crying...but, as she said, I am twenty-one, so maybe I'm a bit old for that...
Still can't believe it hurts this much, when we were together for less than 1/4 the time Bryant and I were...and it's kind of funny, too, though, cuz, in my head, before I tell people what happened, I have to remember, "James broke up with me, not Bryant." Cuz I never thought he would I guess...
Everyone tells me I'm young yet, but I've never felt older...
Hope everyone else is doing well...
This ain't a fairy-tale..."
Taylor Swift says it so well...
James broke my heart last night.
He sounded so calm and cool while he did so.
Very straight-faced, as well.
And after I thought about it, very logical, too...
Basically, what it amounts to is that there are things I want to do that he's not ready for, and he doesn't think I should have to wait for him to grow up, so...
We're done.
I didn't have the chance to tell him that I'd realized as much as I wanted to settle down and all that jazz, I wasn't ready to be a Mom. I like the title more than the responsibility. And I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I've decided to go back to school, and get some sort of a degree...
But, as frazzled as I was at that point, I couldn't quite explain that to him, and let him know we had a couple years so waiting for him to grow up would be no hardship, and he just sat there, staring at me, calm and cool and...well, suffice to say, I realized his mind was already made up.
So I tried to contain my tears, mostly succeeded, and gave him a hug goodbye...
And hit him, too, for kissing me when he said hello just a little before.
Not that he felt it.
So...
We're done, it looks like.
He said we might get back together, he was leaving that option open...
But even that didn't stop me from nearly screaming with the pain of it as I cried after he left.
Mom tried to be sympathetic, but she's been telling me how he's not right for me, so I think she's a little smug, too...plus she wasn't too enthusiastic about me crawling into bed with her at one in the morning so I'd stop crying...but, as she said, I am twenty-one, so maybe I'm a bit old for that...
Still can't believe it hurts this much, when we were together for less than 1/4 the time Bryant and I were...and it's kind of funny, too, though, cuz, in my head, before I tell people what happened, I have to remember, "James broke up with me, not Bryant." Cuz I never thought he would I guess...
Everyone tells me I'm young yet, but I've never felt older...
Hope everyone else is doing well...
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