Response to Jessie's Air Show

Went to the 'Back to the '50's' car show at the state fairgrounds this weekend...
Both a joy and a disappointment...
Lots of things seem that way lately...
BUT!!
My pictures are kinda cool, so here goes...

In case you're wondering...

I'm so totally okay with everything.
The weight is gone.
I don't feel like crying.
And I kinda feel at peace...
Think this is the right direction.

Love you all...

Just a little Freak-Out...

Seriously.
I stopped crying.
And it only lasted for about a minute or two...
Though, okay, so I'm still thinking about it...

Alright, here's what's going through my head right now.

Yesterday, James came over. Not to see me, though he did, of course, and we chatted a little, but no, he came to see my Mom. See, he got this new job selling knives --salesman? whoa-- and he's been at it a little under two weeks and wanted to give his spiel to Mom to practice, and to my surprise, he's good at it, he's funny, engaging, whatever...they're good knives, too, and it's cool the things you can do with them. There's also a pair of shears that can cut through ANYTHING! To prove it, he cut a penny.
How cool is that?
Of course, he hadn't done that one when I was in the room, cuz I was doing other things, but when I came back in, I admired it, and, since Mom was out of the room taking care of the baby for a moment or something, he took time to show me a trick as well...
He made a flower out of the penny and gave it to me.
And HELLO, what does that mean?
He's never given me a flower before, not while we were dating, and now this?
And he seems happy to see me, which is nice, but I'm confused anyway.
And a little scared too...
Wanna know a secret?
I haven't dreamed of him in two weeks.
And months of nightmares, I've gone back to my normal dreaming habits.
And I'm glad, though a little bit wondering what made it stop, but this is good, it's nice to finally get over someone after...six months?
But then he comes over and confuses me...
And we have last night...
(Insert curse word here!)
And, okay, I know he's not good for me and all, and I've gone over all the reasons in my head, but a girl gets lonely and likes to be admired and starts thinking...
STOP THINKING!!
Wanna know why?
This morning I go on my Facebook account, and big and bold on the side column, guess what's new?
James is in a relationship.
Okay.
Just breathe.
I don't need to freak out.
I mean, I've been telling myself all the reasons why we shouldn't get back together anyway, so it's okay, right?
Right...
But what was with giving me a flower?
The jerk really is a nice guy, I guess...
Whatever, so I'm okay, just a little stunned, thrown for a loop.
But I'm reacting way better than I did when I found out the priest had a girlfriend, so I think this is okay...it's okay...
Say a prayer just in case my brain decides it's not?

Hope all's well with you...

More than wow...

You find the craziest things at a quarter to one in the morning...

Happy Birthday Guitar Cover - The Click Five

Dates4Dorks

Hallelujah

Tyler's Amazing Oreo Trick

Guitar: Backwards

Foothill Freshman Cheerleading Performance '08

If you're as bored as I am, check it out :)

"Summer Again" / "MySpace Girl"

I'm watching the green give into gold
As summer becomes October's cold
Gravity begs
For one final kiss
She drops it to him, as she gives in

Traces of light, linger around
As laces of white fall to the ground
The softest of sounds for the heaviest things
And the pain that it brings

As she falls I try to catch her
For one last touch of warmth from summer
As one thing leaves to becomes another again
I remember when

Don't remember the day, she started to fade
The ground felt a chill as she gave it away
A whisper - a sigh, for the time that she passed
But this winter won't last

As she falls I try to catch her
For one last touch of warmth from summer
As one thing leaves to becomes another again
I remember when
Oh to be with summer again

The days were warm and we wore them like skin
Now I feel the effects of October again

As she falls I try to catch her
For one last touch of warmth from summer
As one thing leaves to becomes another again
I remember when
Oh to be with summer again

I'm watching the green give in to gold
As summer becomes Octobers cold

This song is so not appropriate for June, despite the title...
However...
I'm kinda feeling like this.
Things seem to be falling from my grasp, even as other things fall into place...

So all applications (except one!) have been sent in, FINALLY, after much procrastination and such, and SAT scores will be sent out as soon as they're available --JUNE 25TH-- and here's where we're at...
University of Montana Western
Ursinus College
Clemson University
Rocky Mountain College
North Greenville University
Northwestern College
...and I think that's all?
Maybe one more, my brain seems to think so even while being unable to come up with a name...
I'm really crushin' on the third and fifth option, think the second is probably the perfect school, the fourth is cool mostly because the front cover of the brochure is green, the first just seems so...experiencial? is that a word? idk...and the sixth I'll settle for if none of the above say yes.
LET THEM SAY YES!!!

This is the type of happily ever after I'm lookin for, I think...
But I've got time...

I saw you once, it was enough
You asked me what I wanted, I want you
But I replied, I'll have some fries
So mesmerized, my heart was over driving through

I saw your name and unashamed
I searched within 500 miles to find
Any clue just as to who I've fallen for
Cause you've got me and I've got time

I saw your picture on Myspace
Maybe someday we can turn it into ourspace baby
I don't care how long it takes
I'm saving space in my top 8 for you

The second time you were so nice
I loved the way told me to enjoy my day
But I know what you meant to say instead
Was really that you wanted us to run away

I said let's go, I'll pack my clothes
Just promise me you'll wear that purple dress you have
You look so cute when you're confused
You backed away and asked me how I new about that

I know you're scared
I know our love is crazy
And I'm so crazy
You make me crazy
For you

"Summer Again" and "MySpace Girl" courtesy of The Afters, from their album "NEVER GOING BACK TO OK"

(Which I'm not, I think...)

And one more melancholy-type song for the road...

"Happy Birthday" by The Click Five

Hey you
I know I'm in the wrong
Time flies
When you're having fun
You wake up
Another year is gone
You're twenty-one

I guess you wanna know
Why I'm on the phone
It's been a day or so
I know it's kinda late
But happy birthday

Yeah yeah whoa oh
I know you hate me
Yeah yeah whoa oh
Well I miss you too
Yeah yeah I know
I know it's kinda late
But happy birthday

So hard
When you're far away
It's lame but I forgot the date
I won't make the same mistake
I'm so to blame

Now you know
Don't hang up the phone
I wish I was at home
I know it's way too late
But happy birthday

Yeah yeah whoa oh
I know you hate me
Yeah yeah whoa oh
Well I miss you too
Yeah yeah I know
I know it's kinda late
But happy birthday

It's not that I don't care
You know I'll make it up to you
If I could I'd be there

Yeah yeah whoa oh
Yeah yeah whoa oh
Well I miss you too
Yeah yeah I know
I know it's kinda late
But happy birthday

Yeah yeah whoa oh
I know you hate me
Yeah yeah whoa oh
Well I miss you too
Yeah yeah I know
I know it's kinda late
But happy birthday
To you

C317

Noise.
I never expected so much, especially not at high school, on a Saturday morning, after graduation and the last day of school.
But there you have it.
Noise.
LOTS of noise.
So much that I wonder if perhaps I should take myself out of the middle of this crowd of children and move to the outskirts...but that would be cowardly.
I'm not afraid of crowds.
I'm not afraid of noise.
And I'm certainly not afraid to take a little test...

It gets quieter.
Children are going to their assigned classrooms, and, because this school is HUGE and SCARY and I feel like I might get LOST, I follow the crowd and make it to C-level.
HOW BIG CAN THIS SCHOOL BE?
Big enough.

Now, get in line, and have your IDs ready.
But wait, where's mine?
It's not in the pocket I put it in...
Step out of line, try not to hyperventilate...
But I found it, I'm okay, and let's step back in line, in the back of the line, and file in.

Seat 26?
I like that number.
My first lucky one.
The perfect age, I hope...
But it's okay.

Hand out the texts, don't open anything, keep your purse and calculator under your chair unless you're working on a math section.
Please be math so I can get you out of the way.
Please turn to page one.
You have twenty-five minutes to complete the essay...
NO!!
I hate writing.
I can't do it.
I'm not going to do it.
I have to do it.
Where do I start?
Don't cry.
No, stop, please...
It's just a little essay.
You write fiction all the time, how hard can fact be? Especially when it's your own opinion, right?
Right...
Breathe in, breathe out...
Waste five minutes of time...
Then commence writing kick-ass essay on if there are good things that come of seeing our heroes fail.

Five minute break?
Food?
I brought some...
But I can't eat...
But I can't sit in this desk, either, I'm freaking out, and I'm not really sure why.
Back to the room, sit back down...

No, there aren't any calculators to give out, but don't worry because you actually don't need one for any of the math questions.
Seriously?
Okay, so let's put the calculator down and try it...
Hey, this is easy!
I LOVE MATH!!
Wait, what am I saying?
But it is easy...

More breaks...
More tests...
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
I need to use the restroom.
But FOCUS, you need to do great on this or you'll be stuck at home forever!
I don't want to be stuck at home.
More tests...

Congratulations, you've just finished the SAT.

Now...how do I get out of here?

So...

I feel like I'm neglecting the rest of the world...
I've just caught up on reading about Beth's pregnancy, and seeing all those pictures of my niece and nephew, and I was browsing on Facebook and found out one of my old friends is engaged, and one of my friends just finished her freshman year of college, more are taking finals and then coming home for the summer...
And, somehow, unless it's all right in front of me, I don't care.
I'm very selfish, I think.
Like, I want to tell you all about what's going on in my life, and I want to, for once, check my blog and see that a million people have commented, to give sympathy, praise, support, whatever...
But I can't give you the same consideration.
Yeah, I'm awful...
So, I'll keep it simple.
I went to prom two weeks ago.
I almost lost my job, twice, in those two weeks.
I drank a single martini and it knocked me for a loop, from the first sip.
I dropped a hundred dollars on a guitar that my Dad says is junk.
I gave up mint ice cream to make a friend feel better about hitting the dog.
I stole a soda from one of my best friends.
I decided never again to talk to another friend.
I left my laundry on the closet floor.
I pushed everything under the bed, but the bed itself is made.
I keep taking Sunday shifts when all I want is to hang out at the shop.
I prefer the shirts that remind me of him to the more feminine attire.
I have to air-dry because I'm too lazy to wash towels.
And I think if I don't do something, despite my being calm, I might just freak out anyway...

What's going on in your life?

The Best Thing...

Okay, so today was my day off (yay!) but two people called in sick so I went in to work (not yay!) at about eight in the morning (DEFINITELY not yay!), which might seem late to some, but oh-so-early for me!
Anyway, so that might be part of it, but Mom and I clashed today.
(Am I hungry?)
(Am I PMSing?)
(Am I exhausted?)
Yes to all three!!
Plus, I'm a bit depressed...nightmares...the other night I woke at about two or so, and I was crying, and I yelled at God (rude, I know), basically to the tune of 'It's been almost five months, maybe a little longer! Why is he still plaguing me? Do I need to pray more? Why are you letting this happen? I'm sick and tired of it!'
And probably more...needless to say, I wasn't happy.
But I had the most interesting thought a moment ago...
The best thing about going back to school and moving far, far away?
(Pray for South Carolina to say yes!!)
When I wake up crying in the middle of the night, it will be because I'm homesick, not because of some guy...
Which, yes, is still kind of lame, but not as pathetic as right now.
(Or at least, I'm sure my Mom would think so)
Oh, I can't wait to get out of here...

Disturbingly Real...

The latest dream concerned my brother Eli and his friend John.
The part with Eli (which actually came later) was mostly this big long phone conversation, not with him, actually, but with his boss. We talked about his addictions and how he’d gotten into it and how he was on the mend, etc….it seemed a little awkward, considering I didn’t really know the man but somehow it was clear he was someone I could trust…
The part with John…
A very valid fear.
He came over and wouldn’t go away.
See, the thing with John is, he’s got a major crush on me. Has since I was about fourteen or fifteen, I think…makes me wanna gag…and he can’t quite get it through his head that I would rather die than be anything more than a friend (and sometimes not even that). He’s kind of what you might call a computer genius, and every now and then, when my computer’s on the fritz, I’ll ask him to help and fix it, which he does without question. And even when I try, I can’t pay him back. And he seems to think that my asking for help is a sign that I’m coming around to liking him. Even when I try to explain that I don’t and never will, somehow he convinces himself there’s hope. Like, just recently, I opened his eyes to the fact that I never was the nice sweet girl he thought, that I was actually a rotten spoiled brat, and he’d simply caught my good days. And then he comes back with this stuff about how a person can change, and gives me the reference of 1st Corinthians 13, and how he realized that’s maybe not what he was feeling in the beginning, but he’s working toward it, and I can too…still not getting that I can barely stand him as a friend, so why would I be considering how to love him? It’s just so frustrating…every time I think we can just talk like normal people, he turns it into something more…I’m afraid I may just have to cut him off, and, at the risk of losing a computer genius, not even try to be his friend. I had this conversation with my Dad and he kind of pointed out how John’s feelings are not my problem, so I should pretty much just ignore them, and focus on what I’m looking for in this friendship, but even though that actually makes a little sense, I still find myself feeling guilty that he feels that way about me, as if I did something wrong to make him feel that way…even though I’ve realized that a simple smile could translate to ‘I love you’ in his book.
Poor sap…
But I do think I’m going to have to cut him off, regardless…
In the meantime…
I hope he doesn’t show up in my dreams again, cuz that’s beyond creepy…

And, yes, I did mean that...

Can you believe there's still snow on the ground here?
In APRIL??
Okay, so I hear horror stories of blizzards in May, but honestly...
At least we can put all that global warming junk to rest, haha...

Anyways...
It's been an interesting few days...
I feel myself drifting from place to place, not really paying too much attention to my surroundings, and it's only when something new comes along that I might be willing to take a second look...
April Fool's was not so foolish, unless you consider the joke being the complete and utter lack of customers at the restaurant. It's just been so slow the last week...
And then, Friday I had my last Bible study, finishing the book of James, and I call in to tell them they can now schedule me every Friday instead of every other, and I hear "Well, good, because we have a full house today." If I was more cynical I'd think that they all came in because it's the last time they can without seeing me...but then maybe I am a bit cynical...
Except I can't really even focus on my downed spirits, because after working at the cleaner's that night, I come home to company. A really great couple, Deb n Ron, another one of those family bands we seem to gravitate toward...or maybe they gravitate toward us, I can't tell...but I felt that I couldn't just abandon them to my parents...despite their age...(older than both, I think)...and I ended up chatting with them, and we talked about life and love and God and music --they play in a Celtic band-- and I got an invite to their homeschool prom!! and it was just a great night...complete with chocolate frostys...
They left Saturday while I was at work, but I'm still in a good mood today...
And that's not because I took an extra shift at the restaurant that got me an extra fifty dollars...
(Though I'm sure that helps, haha)
But it kind of broke through the fog a little, meeting them, and now I feel like I can do stuff...

Mom's the coolest, by the way.
She's encouraging me to save money for my junk...
That is, for my recreational delights...
Or something...
And she's a lot easier to talk to when I don't argue with her about every little thing...
Funny...

I'm going to give my sister a call now...
And, Jess, if you don't answer, call me when you read this!!

Black is the new Black...and Red is just awful...

I seem to be having a clothing issue...
Every time I try to find something with color in it to wear, I remember: I work today, and black is the only thing I can guarantee goes with my workshirt. So, I wear black...every...single...day...
I'm getting tired of it...
But I can't afford any new clothes...
And I'll be the first to admit I'm too lazy to dig to the bottom of the dresser to find the rainbow...
So today, I wore a pink ribbon in my hair to offset the lack of color.
I looked so adorable!!

But then some lady came into the shop and complimented me on how the pink, oddly enough, goes really well with my red hair.

When did I become a redhead??
Now, I have nothing against redheads.
I have some friends of that particular set, and they're very awesome people.
But I don't want to BE a redhead.
The closest I get to red is when I dye my hair purple, and that's not supposed to be permanent. But somehow, it's gotten into everyone's head that my hair is naturally red.
IT'S NOT!!
I'm a natural blonde.
A dishwater blonde, true, but blonde nonetheless.
Not strawberry.
Not honey.
Not golden.
Not orange.
BLONDE.
Why is it, then, that every time I try to go natural I end up red?
Now, I can understand if I'm buying some cheap stuff from WalMart that the colors might not like my hair, especially considering I'm always going from dark to light, so avoiding a little red is touch and go.
But when I walk into a salon and ask them to match my roots --which are at least half an inch shown!-- how is it they think I should be auburn? Or strawberry-ish? I'll admit it has it's moments...but when it grows more, you can clearly see...
I AM NOT A REDHEAD!!!

I made an appointment with the salon on Main Street for about two weeks from now.
I specifically told the lady, when I made the appointment, I don't want to be a redhead.
I'll repeat myself when the deed's being done.
But if she can't make me a natural, dishwater blonde...

I'm shaving my head and buying a wig.

NOT KIDDING



Does anyone else have this much trouble with hair or am I just being way too dramatic??

So, it's been awhile...
Things are going well, I suppose. I enjoy work, I enjoy Bible study, I especially enjoy having a week Mom-free...that is, until I have a nightmare and she's not there to help me.
That's where things AREN'T going well.
I still have nightmares.
EVERY
SINGLE
NIGHT
I dread sleeping.
Because when I'm awake, I can do so much, and put a smile on, and find that there are good things in life, and even if I'm bored, I'm okay, cuz God has plans bigger than I know.
Then I sleep, and, as I said earlier, it all goes downhill...

I thought sleep was supposed to be restful...
I think I have a demon sleeping with me.

This is one of my new favorites...

"The Motions" by Matthew West

'This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care
If I break
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way'

I almost feel like he wrote that for me...
The whole 'At least I'd be feeling something' really hits home...
And, whether for God or for the world, I really feel like lately I've just been going through the motions...
I like where I'm at.
But I want something different.
I need something different.
Cuz I'm slowly going insane...
I need to get away, I think...

Any ideas where I should go?

It's the last day of February...

And despite my crazy spending habits, I am NOT broke.
YAY!!
Lol, so Mom's a bit concerned (as she probably should be) that I'm spending money I should be saving for bills and such, and I'm trying to be frugal, but every now and then I crack.
(Note the new futon and the new movies I've been watching)
So, my question is, how am I going to budget this month?
What can I buy, what can I not buy, what do I NEED vs what do I WANT, etc....
I think a bit of extra prayer is needed in this case...which is kind of funny, cuz now I think on it, I don't believe I've ever prayed about money issues, unless it was along the lines of 'Please don't let them subtract from my account until I get to the bank to deposit.'
But, as Luke Bryan so eloquently put it..."Pray About Everything"...
Country singers are sure smart sometimes. :)
So here's hoping that not only by this time next month am I not broke, but also that I'll have learned a little...how do you say...restraint? and not buy everything I think I need but only actually want, and maybe have enough cash to actually pay my parents for my car insurance...
*winces, embarrassed...

Working an extra shift tonight, so in case I don't get on again, here's to a brand new month...
Cheers.